Together with a psychologist, we understand difficult life situations.
Many letters from our readers come to the editorial office of healthy-food-near-me.com. One of them was especially hooked – we publish it together with a commentary from a psychologist on how best to act in such a situation.
“Before the wedding, my husband and I met for several years. We got married last year. Six months after the wedding, I became pregnant. I was very glad that there would be a full-fledged friendly family, I had wanted a child for a long time. At first, the husband, too, seemed to be delighted, and then he became kind of withdrawn, nervous, walking gloomy all the time. And suddenly he comes and says that he filed for divorce. I thought at first that he had some kind of romance, but he said that he did not start a family in order to spend his youth in slavery by the diapers. I’m just shocked. It turns out that from the very beginning he intended to deprive me of the right to motherhood, but he did not say a word that he would be against the children. Of course, I will leave the child. But I will raise him alone. “
Irina V.
In a situation where a woman gets married and gives birth to a child, and her husband leaves her, there are several reasons. Firstly, this happens because after giving birth, a woman is deprived of internal resources and can no longer fully concentrate on her husband’s needs. Having created a marriage, a man wants to receive warmth and subconsciously energy from his woman, but after giving birth, the newly-made mother pushes the functions of a wife to second place and gives priority to the baby. The man feels this and wants to leave, which he does. The spouse’s desire to leave the family, which he “did not create for slavery” is due to the fact that his priorities have remained the same, in contrast to the changed women, and from his position they are quite natural.
This leads to the second reason for the discord in the family: a woman initially chooses a life partner with whom she has different goals and perceptions of relationships. No matter how sad it may sound, it depends on the future mother whether there will be a family at all, what it will become and what a man will be in it. By marrying a mother’s son, a woman voluntarily takes on the function of a mother in relation to her spouse, and it turns out that the born common child is perceived by him as a competitor.
Why does a woman knowingly choose a husband-son weaker than herself? Due to the violation of the gender hierarchy in her family, where she grew up. Rejection of the mother’s position in life, when she drags everything on herself, or the desire to do it in opposition to what her parents had, push the woman into marriage, where she is both a lover and a mother to her husband.
Having dragged the protracted conflict from the ancestors into her family, a woman is faced with the need to make a choice – she coddles either her husband or the baby she will give birth to. So she has a discord with her husband not because she became a mother in the normal sense of the word, but because of an internal conflict that provoked her to create a family with someone with whom it was not necessary to do this.
The reproductive instinct pushes people to marry. A “love cocktail” is raging in their blood, thanks to which they do not always see who they associate life with, and then a baby appears and it becomes late. The spouses do not get what they hoped for and get divorced.
What should a woman do in such a situation? First of all, work on yourself. If the man still left the family, let go of the situation. Until a woman works out her relationship with her parents, is filled with resources and restores her inner strength, she will not be able to give full love not only to her husband, but also to the child.
A man who has left his family will also have something to do. First, he will have to grow up, go through separation from his parents and become independent, otherwise he simply will not be able to take responsibility for a woman, a child and life in general. So until the man grows up and the woman is full, they simply cannot be together. Therefore, both need to deal with themselves first, and only then everyone else.