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«How to become happy?» — perhaps one of the most frequent questions with which our request for psychological help begins. And it doesn’t matter who exactly this request is addressed to: a professional psychologist, the all-knowing Internet, or a friend playing the role of a “vest”. It would seem that hundreds of books and thousands of articles have been written on this topic, but there is still no universal answer to the question — but there are a lot of myths about what happiness is and how to achieve this state. The most popular of them are analyzed by psychologist Laurie Santos.
It is commonly believed that happiness cannot be bought. Until recently, this was not entirely true: at least you could try to learn it by paying for your studies at Yale University and attending lectures by psychology professor Lori Santos. In class, she taught students how to deal with stress, anxiety, depression, and loneliness. However, her lessons soon began to be so popular, and the number of positive reviews became so great that it was decided to record based on these activities. And this “happiness” is absolutely free.
During ten weeks, course participants study it from a psychological point of view, including all sorts of false concepts of what makes us happy. “Users can not only learn how to become happy in theory, but also put what they learn into practice,” explains Santos.
According to her, often people come to her classes, not quite well imagining what happiness really is. In any case, this word is understood differently than scientists. The latter have a more or less clear definition of this state. «Scientists distinguish two components: cognitive — how satisfied you are with your life, and emotional — the predominance of positive emotions over negative ones.»
Now that we roughly understand what happiness is, let’s deal with false ideas about it.
Myth 1. Happiness is something that never changes.
According to the psychologist, many mistakenly believe that they have some kind of predisposition to this or that level of joy. Yes, studies do confirm that genetics also influence how we experience happiness, but its role is relatively small. “The influence of the genetic component is much less than we used to think. So, we are quite capable of doing something to feel happier.”
Myth 2. External factors influence the level of happiness
The place where we live, the work we do, the level of income, the presence or absence of a partner — we are used to linking our inner state with these factors. And very in vain. “Yes, of course, circumstances affect how we feel, but, again, insignificantly (of course, if we do not take into account difficult situations that threaten our life and health, including mental health),” explains Santos .
“If we do not balance at the poverty line, and our lives and health are not in danger, the influence of external factors is not so great. This means that changing jobs, increasing income levels, and even the appearance of a romantic partner will not affect our emotional state as much as one might think.
Myth 3. Each of us is the (only) blacksmith of our own happiness.
Of course, our happiness is in our hands. But it’s important to interact with others, thank them for being in your life, and make communication your number one priority. “Research confirms that happy people value communication above all else,” says the professor. “Such people are outward-oriented, toward others, and not just toward themselves. They know how to be grateful.»
Myth 4. Happiness is an eternal holiday
And here it is not: happy people allow themselves to be sad. The whole range of emotions is generally given to us for a reason. It is important to allow yourself to experience anger, sadness, grief, and not drive these unpleasant emotions away.
So, studies show that crying properly can be quite therapeutic action. It is also useful to accept your loneliness: yes, in this state we feel bad, but it is important to remind ourselves that it will not last forever. The sooner you allow yourself to experience all these emotions, the faster and easier you will learn to deal with them. But shaming yourself for “bad” feelings means putting spokes in the wheels of your own happiness.
How can all this knowledge help us become happy? First, the next time we try to feel better, we may not go down the wrong path again. Secondly, knowing how not to do it, we may learn to do what is really useful for us: focus on other people, make communication with them our priority and try to become a little more aware.