«My friends disappointed me»

«I Can’t Trust Her Anymore»

Angelica, 29 years old

“For eight years, Dasha and I were inseparable. She was like a sister to me. And it seemed like it would last forever. Dasha did not meet with anyone for a long time, so my husband and I devoted a lot of time to her. We spent weekends together, holidays, invited her to dinner … Sometimes it seemed to me that this was too much, but I did not dare to tell her this. Now I understand that I had to delineate the boundaries of our friendship. When Dasha fell in love, I was very happy for her. But her boyfriend began to make ironic remarks at me every now and then, this offended me, and Dasha did not even think of interceding. I felt that she was betraying me, and did not know what to do. Finally she said that I was imposing myself, spending too much time with them! It was just a slap! I was depressed, I cried a lot from resentment. Even my breakups with men were not as hard as this one. A few months later, Dasha called me and said that she needed me. But I couldn’t trust her anymore. Three years have passed, but my pain has not subsided. During this time, we both had children, and I wish they would grow up together. But she caused me a lot of pain, and I don’t want to forgive her or renew the relationship.”

• Friendship: forgive or not?

“I forgave and stopped being angry”

Natalia, 45 years old

I met Inna and Kostya at a difficult moment for me. Problems with work, divorce from my husband… We became friends. They offered to rent a house in a village near Moscow not far from their cottage. I dreamed of changing my life, seriously taking up drawing — and they, artists by profession, assured me that I had a talent, that we could work together for a publishing house. Two months later, I took the risk of moving out of town with two children, full of ideas, desires and hopes. But it turned out that they were not waiting for me at all. Either they were ready to communicate, then they were not. Sometimes they called me very capable and promised to give lessons, sometimes they said that I had no talent and the classes were useless. They constantly reproached me for being depressed, made me feel guilty. At the same time, they called themselves my close friends, hinted at how much they had done for me. Thanks to the psychologist, I was able to see the situation from the outside and realized that I was being manipulated. I expected too much from our relationship and opened my heart to meet them. Finally, I calmly told Kostya that my friendship with them had disappointed me, that, in my opinion, they had betrayed me. Soon the children and I returned to Moscow. Inna sometimes calls, but her voice does not evoke the same feelings in me. This is a polite conversation of acquaintances, nothing more. I took control of my life, returned to my old friends, realized the beauty of a sincere relationship. One day I realized that I was no longer angry. I forgave. And even partly grateful to them: it was thanks to this story that I understood the meaning and value of true friendship.

• Friendship at work: a delicate balance

“I quit my job because of her.”

Olga, 51 years old

For two years, Marina and I were just colleagues, and then we ended up in the same sanatorium and, of course, began to go to the beach together, go on excursions. Then frank stories about ourselves began: about childhood, parents, novels … It turned out that we look at the world and people in a surprisingly similar way, we love the same films and books. Thus began our friendship. I am a little reserved person, at work I have always maintained even, but somewhat formal relations with everyone. And then for the first time a close soul appeared nearby, and I felt much more confident. We also talked outside the office, went to cafes, to concerts. There were also difficult situations for each of us, when we helped out and supported each other.

This went on for about three years. And then our departments were merged with her, and Marina became my boss. I was sincerely happy for her — she had been striving for this for a long time, and for herself too: the boss is a friend, like-minded, how great it will be for us to work together! It wasn’t there. No matter how hard I tried, Marina was constantly unhappy with me. At first she complained to me in private, then in front of everyone. I stayed in the office to do everything flawlessly, took work home for the weekend. But she was always guilty. And most importantly, Marina began to keep her distance emphatically: no talk about something that was not related to work.

At night I lay awake, sorting through all her unfair words and reproaches. Every day I lost confidence in myself at work. The day came when I brought her a statement of my own free will, and she signed it almost with relief. Since that day, we have never spoken, although ten years have passed. For a long time I could not understand what changed Marina so much, well, not the same bossy post ?! She wasn’t so ruthless to others, was she? And only years later I realized: I knew too much about her! I seemed dangerous to her, she did not believe in my decency! I no longer cry when I remember this story. But I realized for myself: the betrayal of one person does not mean that one should be afraid of everyone and not open one’s soul to anyone else. Good and sincere relations are the greatest value for me. Now this is my conscious position.