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Children’s independence is a necessity.
Almost all parents know about this, while often neglecting this rule. Why? We adults are often in a hurry, there is not enough time, and sometimes patience: “Well, why are you fussing?! Let me dress you quickly, give you shoes, otherwise we’ll be late!” Familiar? And now the child is growing, perhaps he is already dressing himself, but the parents solve the math problem for him, because it is high time to go to bed. They prepare a briefcase for tomorrow and clothes, because he will surely forget something.
As a result of such “help,” the child finds it difficult to adapt to school, and even more difficult to change situations. Is it possible to insure in advance against such undesirable consequences? Of course, if from early childhood (1,5 — 3 years) you follow certain rules:
Even if the child is difficult to cope on his own in some situation, but already has certain skills, calmly give him time to solve his problem. Stumbled and fell, the reaction of the parents, not — oh, horror! What a bad carpet, let’s beat it, wise one.
«Come on, get up, baby.» You can already do it yourself.
If you don’t like what the child is doing, instead of the instructive “well, what have you done!” it is worth getting involved in the process and changing the activity of the child imperceptibly, effortlessly.
Independence develops when interest in the world around you awakens by the method of “look”, “touch”, “feel”, “stroke”.
And most importantly, learn to trust your child. From an early age, we give the installation: “You are doing great!”, “You are doing well!”, “Cool, you did it in an original way!”
An independent child is one who is able to set his own goals and achieve them himself, able to solve his problems at his own expense: understandably, in accordance with his age.
The two main aspects of independence are the freedom of one’s own choice and the ability to pay for this freedom.
At 3 years old, an independent child ties his own shoelaces, at 7 years old he can make his own breakfast and wash his own things, at 8 years old he can independently do his homework.
The first and simplest thing in cultivating independence is not to educate lack of independence. Yes, unfortunately, many parents, and more often mothers, do this very persistently. Dependence is brought up in the same way as any other skill and character trait: primarily with the help of suggestions and reinforcement of dependent behavior.
«Do not go! Do not run! But who asks you, idiot! You can’t be trusted with anything” — well, what to expect after this?
If a mother is afraid of everything, her child will not grow up to be independent. And what to do? Recognize that male upbringing is more productive, stop hindering it and, on the contrary, support the upbringing activity of the husband.
The story of a participant of summer trainings in Sinton. Next to us in a tent lives a boy named Danila, he is 6 years old, always lively, energetic and independent. I ask him: “- Listen, Danila, can you know the firewood? — Certainly can. — And feed sister Nastya? — I feed her anyway. — How about setting up a tent? — And I can put up a tent, my dad already trusted me. — Danila, why can you do everything? Well, I’m a man!
Danila is self-confident and self-sufficient. I ask my mother, how did she achieve this? She says: “I am no longer a problem parent, but not an advanced one either. Danila is brought up primarily by my husband, for which he has great respect from me. My task is not to sabotage, just to follow him, not to interfere.” And what does a husband do with a child? “He does two things that are difficult for me to do: he is not afraid to give the child more freedom and at the same time teaches him unquestioning obedience. I’m afraid to let Danila play with a big sharp knife or steal firewood, but Kostya allows him. On the other hand, Danila does not always listen to me, but he executes Kostya’s commands immediately, and this calms me down.
An important point of independence is the habit and ability to make independent decisions. Yes, but at the same time, parents need the child to make the right decisions. How to combine it?
I grew up on my own. Now I understand that independence, of course, was controlled. And yet, since childhood, I was taught to do everything myself. And they always gave me a choice, creating the illusion that I myself make the decision. Yes, the choice was often uncontested, and having mastered it at the subconscious level, I now use this choice with my children: “Katya, will you have rice porridge or buckwheat?”, “Katya, are we going for a walk in the park or in the forest?”, “ Katya, will you go skating or skiing?
“Teaching to swim by throwing a child into the water” is a mistaken tactic. Stages of developing the skill of independence: 1. The child participates in the work that the elders do, helping them and under the full control of the elders. 2. The child does a new business together with the parents. 3. The child does the job, the parents help him. 4. The child does everything on his own!
The most important question is the division of responsibility: in what situations should parents help the child, and in what situations should they put him before the fact of the need to solve his own problems?
In order for a child to get used to acting independently, three conditions must be taken care of: 1. The child’s own desire. 2. An obstacle on the way to the object of desire, which the child can overcome. 3. Lasting reward! This idea is brilliant, but how to implement it in life is not always clear right away.
In order for our children (and sometimes already quite adults) to stop being children and become independent, it is important:
- Teach children to be obedient. It sounds paradoxical, but it is true: the surest thing you can do to raise your child is independent if you first teach him to obey you. See →
- Indulge in independence. If before the eyes of a child there are beautiful and vivid examples of independent, successful children, the child will want to be like them.
- Create situations where independence is possible and they can do it. Give the child at the mercy of some areas in which he can master unfamiliar, unusual actions for him. How will we outline these areas, for example, for a five-year-old child? Write down what your child should be able to do independently and well at age six. For example, set the table, keep toys in order, and so on … Thus, you create the opportunity for him to do this on his own day after day and hone his skills to the point where the child can control this area of new actions for him completely himself.
- To create situations where independence and adulthood are prestigious and become attractive,
- To create situations when independence is obligatory and simply forced. Children just need to be taught to adult life, responsibility and independence, including in adult life, deeds and worries. In Africa, children herd cattle from the age of 3, as soon as they learn to walk well. In the village, children have adult responsibilities from the age of 5-7. «What year are you? — The seventh passed … «(Nekrasov, A little man with a fingernail).
The main corrective measures are depriving the psychological infantile of his usual cozy comforts, placing him in a situation of real difficulties, and placing ever-increasing demands on him. Stop (or consistently reduce) the financial content, require (oblige) to study and work, serve yourself (go to the store, cook your own food, clean up after yourself). Take care of family and friends. — All these things are extremely simple, everyday, but it is precisely from this that adult life consists, and it is the fulfillment of these deeds that begins to turn an infantile into an adult.
How to help your child become independent
What needs to be done so that the child learns to make meaningful decisions and be responsible for the consequences of his actions? See →
Free education and education of independence
Contrary to popular belief, free upbringing, giving the child complete independence does not at all lead to the development of independence. A child to whom you have given complete independence is just a child left to any other influences. And who is responsible for what they will be?
Army style of education and education of independence
One of the ways of upbringing independence worked out in culture is the army style of upbringing. See →
Mastering the house: a plan of affairs for an independent man
Letter to a young man who has decided to start learning to live independently: “I am sending you a plan of what I think you need to do every day. You can adjust it to suit your other circumstances. After that, your task is to complete all the points every day. And every day in writing to sum up: what you did, what you didn’t do … ”See →