Parents themselves strive for this … and yet they are painfully worried when a teenager leaves home. Try to see the new meaning of these relationships, advises child psychologist Galiya Nigmetzhanova. Care should gradually give way to a dialogue of equal people.
When sending their child, usually a teenager of 14-17 years old, to a school in Europe or America, parents are guided by the best intentions: to give him a quality education in a safe environment, to help him become independent … But clear goals do not relieve them of feelings of helplessness and anxiety when a son or daughter leaves home. How will the child adjust to the new environment? Who will help him in an unfamiliar country? His departure (even for half a year) is often experienced by adults as a loss of the meaning of life. All parents feel the absence of the usual worries, their restlessness, uselessness, but the feelings are especially acute in families where life was built around the interests of the child. Many doubt the correctness of their decision, feel guilty for not being able to be around, struggle with the desire to go to the child in order to take control of the situation …
About it
Systemic family psychologist Anna Varga talks about the “empty nest” phenomenon in her book “Introduction to Systemic Family Psychotherapy” (Cogito Center, 2011). A better understanding of your growing teenager will also help the anthology “Teenager and Family”, compiled by psychologist Daniil Raigorodsky (Bahrakh-M, 2002).
Be patient and accept the fact that adaptation to new conditions will not be quick. The first year is especially difficult: at this time, children need constant support. From a distance, it is not easy to understand what the child wants to say when he “falls apart” and asks to be returned home. After all, conversations on Skype or on the phone, as a rule, take place late in the evening, when he is tired after a school day. It is important to avoid extremes: brush aside (“do not invent”) or, pitying the child, (at his first request) offer him to return. Ask him about his impressions, relationships with peers, teachers, calmly sort out difficult situations for him. Many parents say that at a distance their communication with children has become more meaningful, deep, and open. Teenagers bring up topics that have never been discussed before. On the other hand, parental ambitions and pride (“I did everything for him, but he failed!”) should not prevent him from seeing a situation that is unbearable for the child. You can more objectively assess his condition if you try to be calmer about his possible return home. But if a teenager feels apathy, loses courage and interest in life, he must rush to help immediately.
Galiya Nigmetzhanova, psychologist at the Moscow psychological center for family support “Contact”.