My child is jealous

Jealousy: necessary to build your identity

Each time the family grows, it is the same question: how will the eldest respond to this baby who comes to steal the show ? And then the youngest who, growing up, envies the rights and prerogatives of the great? Yet jealousy is a feeling that cannot be erased with a wave of a magic wand. We are jealous because we love and we are afraid of losing this love for the benefit of another. Jealous children simply wonder about their place in the family : do I always have the same place in my parents’ hearts? Don’t they prefer my brother or my sister, who is so cute, so bright in some areas? It is these questions, and especially the answers they will generate that will allow your child toassert your difference and claim his place, provided he can talk about his jealousy. However, in many families, it is considered that being jealous is “bad”. As a result, the jealous child feels guilty. While it is better to encourage him to say what is bothering him and to set the limits of a natural rivalry that should not lead to a family trench warfare.

Help your jealous child understand their feelings

– Feeling jealousy for his brother, his sister… is disturbing for a child, he can feel guilty. It’s up to you to play down things by explaining that you shouldn’t be afraid of this feeling. It is important to isolate the acts, avoid saying “You are jealous” but rather say “You are jealous of your brother because he had a fire engine and that is normal”.

– Help him express his feelings. It does not matter to talk about it, on the contrary, it is important to say what is on your heart.

Jealousy: don’t blame your child

– Avoid “It’s not nice to be jealous” or “How jealous you are!”… Which have everything to make him feel more guilty. Instead, tell him that you understand his jealousy “but that in life there is no equality. There is always someone who has more than you, but also someone who has less. ” Be careful not to fall into the opposite excess by saying “there are children who have nothing, so don’t complain!”, This will make him feel guilty and he may no longer dare to express his feelings. Choose the right measure: an attitude of openness without being judgmental (a perilous exercise, but one that you will master quickly!).

– Better not to talk about his jealousy to other people in his presence. His feelings are part of his intimate life and a family reunion is frankly not the ideal place to reveal such difficult and guilty feelings!

Jealousy has positive sides (yes, if the shrinks assure it!). “Being jealous is quite natural and even inevitable. The main thing: do not let yourself be “devoured” and come to live with this feeling. In these conditions, jealousy helps to grow, to structure oneself, to develop relationships with others… ”

Accept the differences between your children

Don’t try to explain to them that there is no difference between them and that you like them “exactly the same”. Do not try to give the same to everyone either: it is impossible, because they don’t have the same needs and you will only fuel their rivalry. On the contrary, show them that by taking care of them differently and by buying them different things, you recognize in each one a unique being.

Individualize your children

Avoid comparing their physique, behavior or performance. We banish them: “You are the portrait of your mother, you are the worthy son of your father”, etc., so many small sentences which “catalog” them and deprive them of a whole part of their personality. And we emphasize their strengths in a positive way: “You, Mathieu, you love to draw and you draw very well. You, Thomas, you make superb constructions in Lego ”. Rather than always taking them in groups, try as much as possible to spare them individual spaces of expression : regularly reserve each one a one-to-one time with a parent. Avoid signing them up for the same activities. Organize a vacation for them one without the other: during this truce, they will find that they miss each other!

Help him take his place in the family

In addition, your children will enjoy spending one-on-one time with mom or dad without the little (or big) brother! Of course, there is no question of stopping family activities. Another delicate moment to manage: birthdays. They are often synonymous with frustration for the child who is not in the spotlight. Suddenly, you are tempted to compensate for this frustration by offering gifts to everyone. “But the birthday is a fundamental step in growing up and must remain a celebration for those who blow out their candles,” says the specialist. Giving gifts to all children spoils the fun of the birthday party. It is preferable to teach everyone to take their turn and to postpone the realization of their desires. “

Now it’s up to you to “turn up the sauce”. With a large dose of patience (at times, the jealousy of your children puts your nerves to the test, courage!), A good ladle of love and a few grams of dialogue, you will overcome crises of jealousy!

Jealousy between brother and sister: allow your children to hate each other

Allow them to hate each other: and conflicts, when expressed, are half defused. If they feel free from their feelings, they will appreciate each other better. Do not always stigmatize the same child, nor ask the older one to lead by example. Just because he’s the oldest doesn’t mean he has to be flawless. Do not intervene systematically in their conflicts but give them the opportunity to resolve them on their own, which they usually do faster than you might think. If they do come to blows and you need to intervene, don’t play the referee, but punish them both for fighting, this can only strengthen their sense of solidarity.

Give him confidence … in his qualities and his abilities

Justine (your daughter’s best friend) often stays with Sacha (the new one from the class), which really annoys your little girl. It’s up to you to explain to her that this does not mean that she is not interesting or that she is less funny… Teach her that friendships evolve and that it is possible to appreciate several people at the same time. .

His boyfriend had a better mark than him on the math test, so your child is green with envy. Calm down, it’s not a drama, you can’t always be the best. Highlight your own abilities “you, you succeed better in French …” Avoid so as not to add oil to the blaze of jealousy: sentences such as “Take example from your sister, she eats better than you, or on your cousin, he works better at school… ”

Reassure him about your love

Ouch, since the birth of the youngest, Theo has changed his mind, he is no longer so happy to have a brother. The other day he even asked you if you could “return” it. Your child just needs to be reassured that you love them. Explain to him that he now has a little brother, but that you still love him so much. The love of a mother and a father does not divide, it multiplies!