My child is different

The reaction of some parents is unreasonably harsh (“Get out of my house!”). Others don’t want to believe it. It seems to them that this is an age-related hobby that will pass. Still others rush in search of psychologists and doctors in the hope that this can be cured. But sexual orientation is not a disease or a passion. Sexual orientation is the more or less constant emotional, romantic and sexual (sensual) attraction of a person to other people of a certain gender. From the point of view of the reproduction of the human race, the only correct sexual orientation is heterosexuality inherent in the vast majority of people – attraction to members of the opposite sex. But at all times there were those who were attracted to people of the same sex. Sexual contacts between individuals of the same sex are often observed among animals.

Sexual orientation may not show up in a person’s actual sexual behavior. Fearing stigmatization and sometimes punishment, as has been the case in the past and still exists in some societies, many are forced to hide their sexual orientation or engage in sexual behavior that is inconsistent with their real inclination. Often, men and women, noticing their attraction to members of the same sex, and even entering into same-sex relationships, do not consider themselves homosexual. They may be married or in a long-term relationship with a member of the opposite sex and perceive themselves as “normal” heterosexual or acknowledge their bisexual orientation. The latter does not mean the same and simultaneous attraction to one’s own and the opposite sex: desires, fantasies and sexual preferences can change over time and depending on different circumstances.

In 1993, the World Health Organization (WHO) removed homosexuality from the International Classification of Diseases and concluded that “sexual orientation per se is not considered a disorder.” This conclusion was preceded by years of research, which showed that among homosexuals, emotional deviations and mental illness are no more common than among people with a normal orientation.

Teen experiments

In adolescence, against the background of physiological hypersexuality, many experiment with homosexuality. Back in 1948, Alfred Kinsey, the founder of sexuality research, claimed that 48% of men and 28% of women had homosexual contacts at least once in their lives *. Adolescents most often discuss sex in a same-sex environment, especially since peers of the same sex are physically more accessible than those of the opposite. The excitement that arises during these conversations can sometimes lead to joint or mutual masturbation, mutual caresses (petting). Practice shows that temporary sexual contacts of varying severity between girls are more common than among boys. Perhaps this is due to a more tolerant attitude of society towards mutual kisses, hugs of girls. If girlfriends ask their parents for permission to go to bed in the same bed to “whisper before going to bed”, this is unlikely to cause surprise and objection. The desire of young men to sleep together, most likely, will cause bewilderment and protest of others. The ambivalent attitude of society towards male and female homosexual contacts is reflected in the laws and law enforcement practice of many countries, including Russia and other CIS countries. In Ukraine until 1991, and in the Russian Federation until 1993, sodomy was punishable by imprisonment, and women were not prosecuted for homosexual contacts.

The concern of adults about the possible homosexuality of adolescents when same-sex contacts are identified or suspected that they have taken place is understandable, but often excessive. One-time or episodic sexual encounters between adolescents of the same sex do not necessarily lead to (and are not indicative of) homosexual orientation. But because of them, some teenagers may have a feeling of guilt and an inferiority complex, an obsessive fear of “becoming gay.” The tactlessness and harsh reaction of adults who have learned about such relationships not only exacerbate the complexes, but can cause acute stress and even suicide attempts. Against this background, depression can develop. Sometimes they try to cope with it on their own with the help of alcohol, drugs.

How does homosexuality arise?

There are quite a few heterogeneous theories trying to explain the phenomenon of homosexuality. Apparently, this indicates, on the one hand, the diversity of the causes of this phenomenon, and, on the other hand, the impossibility of identifying typical personality traits that distinguish homosexuals from people with a heterosexual orientation. When psychologists were presented with information about the lives of men (homosexuals and heterosexuals) who were similar in age, education and intelligence, they could not determine which data related to homosexuals and which to heterosexuals, as a result of which they concluded that “ homosexuality as a clinical phenomenon does not exist”**.

One of the versions explains the emergence of homosexuality by deviations in embryonic development. During the period when the reproductive organs of the embryo are being formed, a failure occurs in the hormonal supply of sexual functions, which turns into a preference for people of the same sex. However, this theory did not receive full confirmation, just as the attempt to isolate the “gene” of homosexuality in order to assert its exclusively innate (or inherited) nature was unsuccessful. Sigmund Freud believed that under normal conditions the psychosexual development of a child goes along a heterosexual path, however, he believed that by nature people are bisexual, which explained the presence of both hetero- and homoerotic fantasies. By the age of 5–6, boys develop an understanding of the impossibility of an erotic relationship with their mother. Moving away from her and having before him an example of the relationship between a man and a woman, the boy begins to search for “his” woman. Excessive tenderness, kisses, hugs, sleep of a mother and son in the same bed can stimulate the boy’s sexuality (which, as a rule, a woman does not notice). At the same time, the formed internal ban on sexual relations with the mother conflicts with sexual desires directed at her, which can disturb the boy and lead to the spread of the ban on sex with the mother to all females, increasing interest in homosexual relationships. By the age of five, a girl must overcome attraction to her father and identify with her mother. If this does not happen, then a violation of her sexual orientation is possible.

Freud considered homosexuality to be a kind of sexual development, he saw no reason to be ashamed of it, to consider it a disease or a matter of pride. He wrote: “Of course, homosexuality cannot be considered a virtue, but there is nothing in it that one should be ashamed of – it is not a vice, not a sign of degradation, it cannot be called a disease; we regard it as a variant of sexual development. To persecute homosexuals is not only extremely unfair, it is criminal and cruel.”***

Read more:

• What if the daughter is a lesbian?

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• “Homophobia is the desire to assert one’s superiority at the expense of another”

In someone else’s role: natural and social

In some children, behavioral and character traits that are not characteristic of their gender may appear quite early. In this case, in the appearance of boys, feminine features are noted, and in girls, masculine features. With age, this becomes even more noticeable: boys have a special facial expression, plasticity of movements, a high voice, while girls, on the contrary, have a rough voice, sharp, powerful movements. The boys, without resisting, wear men’s clothes, but they attach great importance to it, they are very careful. They prefer bright colors, like to adorn themselves, often grow long hair, make their hair. Girls pay little attention to clothes, they like to walk in trousers, men’s shirts, shapeless jackets. At the first opportunity (for example, at a carnival), both of them are happy to “jokingly” change into clothes of the opposite sex.

Boys willingly help their mother with household chores and spend their free time embroidering, knitting, playing with dolls. Many of them are engaged in dancing, figure skating, music. Such boys, as a rule, are obedient, do not cause trouble for the family, but often cause disapproval of adults. Girls have boyish behavior: they prefer to play war with the boys, they choose team sports or those that are mainly practiced by boys (martial arts, shooting, etc.). Tomboy girls are much more loyal, some parents are even proud of them.

Parental and social disapproval and peer ridicule encourage feminine boys to eradicate feminine traits in themselves, writes sociologist and sexologist Igor Kon. Many succeed. “But for those who initially have more “female” inclinations, it is much more difficult to do this, which gives rise to persistent, sometimes for life, doubts about their masculinity. Such boys feel more comfortable in women’s society and at the same time experience intense interest and attraction to the masculine principle, which acts as an unattainable model. During puberty, this hypertrophied craving for masculinity is often eroticized. Some boys are attracted to older, stronger, more physically developed and masculine adolescents and young men, with whom communication, not necessarily sexual, introduces them to the desired masculinity, which, as it seems to them, is denied to them. Others, on the contrary, are drawn to younger, weaker and more tender boys, among whom they feel more confident than among their peers. This creates a favorable emotional background for choosing the appropriate object of affection – older and stronger or, on the contrary, younger and weaker. Homosexuality is the result of the inner development of a teenager”*******.

Depending on the intensity of attraction, personality traits, upbringing, microsocial environment, adolescents react differently to the discovery of an unusual attraction. Some boys and girls do not dramatize the situation. Someone tries to distract from disturbing desires, begins to study hard, play sports, someone does not try to fight his peculiarity, gradually begins to adapt to it. Many feel shame, guilt, fear, consider themselves inferior, experience confusion and anxiety, because they do not know how to live on, and they are afraid or cannot consult with their parents, with older comrades or with a close friend.

Life on the Verge

Is it possible to prevent the formation of a homosexual orientation or change it? Attempts to forcibly “correct” or “cure” homosexuality, neither in the past nor now, did not give and do not give results. However, in some cases it is possible to change the pattern of the child’s behavior if this behavior (as well as habits, interests and inclinations) is considered by adults to be atypical for his gender. As for adults, some experts suggest conducting voluntary, exclusively at the request of the person himself, “reorienting” therapy for homosexuals: it has been shown that in some cases homosexual orientation in men and women is partly changed as a result of such therapy********. A growing body of research supporting the possibility of changing sexual orientation has led former American Psychological Association president Robert Perloff to argue that respect for a person’s freedom to choose their sexual orientation includes respect for the desire of homosexuals to become heterosexual. Perhaps certain therapeutic practices help people who really want to get rid of attraction to members of the same sex. But there is always a great risk of injuring the patient, especially if the “treatment” is carried out under external pressure.

Due to prevailing stereotypes in society, homosexuality is associated with the threat of depression, anxiety and suicidal behavior. “Not daring to live his own, the only life possible for him, the “blue” teenager is forced to care for those whom he cannot love, and love those whom he cannot care for. This makes his life a painful alternation of “inauthentic” and incompatible with each other roles and masks. A little gay or lesbian may not open up to parents, who are often just as prejudiced as fellow students. The child feels like an ugly duckling, the only one in the whole wide world. One of the worst consequences of “blue loneliness” is the so-called “unmotivated” teenage suicides. The risk of suicide among young gays and lesbians is especially high if they: 1) openly reveal their homosexuality too early, 2) are subjected to violence and persecution in connection with this, 3) try to solve their problems with alcohol and drugs, and 4) are rejected by their families . These young people are dying not from homosexuality, but from fear of it and from the cruel attitude of others.

The task of adults is to help grow

Since experts have not come to unambiguous conclusions about the causes of non-traditional orientation and the possibilities of changing it, the task of parents is to create an environment in the family that promotes the natural development of the child, supports his natural aspirations and helps to overcome the difficulties of growing up.

If a boy is not strong enough and physically active enough, avoids sports games and avoids other boys, this does not mean at all that he is gay or predisposed to homosexuality. It is important that parents approve and support male interests and the boy’s behavior. Parents (first of all, the father) or other adults who enjoy his trust can involve him in sports, captivate the “male” hobby, which will make it easier for the boy to communicate with peers. At the same time, the mother should give up excessive guardianship (“you will be blown away”, “you will get tired”, “you need to eat”, “don’t take it, I will inform it myself”) and excessive compassion (“you were offended”, “do not communicate with them anymore” ) so that the boy does not turn into a “sissy” and cultivate self-pity. And the father will have to gain authority from his son, become a significant person for him, which is facilitated by joint trips, trips to the store and to the cinema, housework, wrestling, fuss, in which the father gives in, which allows the boy to feel his strength and train dexterity. If a daughter was born in the family, and dad, an athlete and a fishing lover, wanted a son for joint trips, there is no need to “sculpt” a boy out of a girl. Just like a mother who is unhappy in love, one should not inspire her daughter that all men are scoundrels, discouraging her interest in the opposite sex. Do not be afraid to love and pamper the girl and support the manifestations of femininity in her!

* А. Kinsey et al. «Sexual Behavior in the Human Male» (Indiana University Press, 1948).

** E. Hooker «The Adjustment of the Male Overt Homosexual». Journal of Projective Techniques, 1957, vol. 21.

*** Letter from Z. Freud (1951) cited in: W. Masters, W. Johnson, R. Kolodny Fundamentals of Sexology (Mir, 1998).

**** I. Bieber et al. «Homosexuality: A Psychoanalytic Study of Male Homosexuals» (Basic Books Inc, 1962).

***** Ch. Wolff «Love Between Women» (Duckworth, 1971).

****** W. Masters, W. Johnson, R. Kolodny Fundamentals of Sexology (Mir, 1998).

******* I. Kon “Homosexuality” (article in the Encyclopedia “Krugosvet”, krugosvet.ru)

******** R. Spitzer «Can some gay men and lesbians change their sexual orientation?». Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2003, vol. 32, № 5.