The son repeats stupid things after the neighbor Sasha, and the daughter copies the cheeky behavior of her classmate Masha? “You shouldn’t blame them for following the example of their friends,” says psychotherapist Isabel Fiyoza. “It’s more useful to teach them to assert themselves in everyday life.”
“Since your son made friends with a new classmate, he has learned to swear, immersed himself in online games and adjusts his whole day to the buddy mode. Does he really lack individuality so much that he is ready to sacrifice his time and interests – just to please another? But everyone is affected, even adults! Scolding a son or daughter for this, we only stick a label that it will be difficult for them to get rid of. Remember that we all learn by imitation. When a child reproduces the behavior of a father or mother, parents are unlikely to reproach him for being influenced by them. Quite the opposite: we rejoice when our musical preferences, for example, coincide with him.
About it
“Your incomprehensible child”, “Anxiety Guard” Ekaterina MurashovaThese books by an experienced Russian psychologist Ekaterina Murashova describe the complex mechanism of relationships between children of different ages. Equally valuable reading for both parents and teenagers (Samokat, 2011, 2008).
Both in early childhood and in adolescence, a child can either follow someone or lead in a company. Because he creates his identity, learns himself, facing various influences, both in the family and outside it. If you notice that he is too easily influenced by peers, is absolutely dependent in his choice, he may need your help. By dressing like someone else or imitating someone else’s mannerisms, your child feels part of the group, feels connected to others. Anyone who has been rejected at least once, humiliated at home or at school, more often experiences this need – to demonstrate that he is no different from others. And another important point: a child is considered suggestible and weak-willed if he cannot say “no”. Did we teach him this? When we scold his “ill-mannered” friend, we relieve ourselves of responsibility. But maybe it’s better to help your child assert himself? Our ordinary life provides many opportunities to teach him to make choices, to ask himself questions, not to obey thoughtlessly (including you), to insist on his own. Let it sometimes be not very pleasant for you to hear the word “no” from him … “
Isabelle Filliozat, Transactional Analyst, Head of the Educational Center “School of Interpersonal and Emotional Intelligence” in Venely (France).
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