“My child is afraid to make a mistake”: what to do

“My 8-year-old daughter goes to training with tears every time,” says 39-year-old Marina. – She has been doing rhythmic gymnastics for 4 years, making noticeable progress, but she herself believes that nothing comes out of her. Before the competition – solid tantrums: “I will perform the element incorrectly, I will drop the ribbon, I will be the worst.”

There is no longer any strength to calm and persuade. Maybe quit this gymnastics? There will be no sports – one less headache. But, on the other hand, does this mean that we gave in to difficulties? How will this affect your daughter when she grows up?

A child who grows up with the feeling that other children are better at something than him is very difficult to live. After all, every step for him, whether it is mastering a new element in dance, a concert at a music school or a test work, is a painful presentation of himself.

He wants to learn, to master the unfamiliar, but this desire comes up against the fear of making a mistake and not meeting the expectations of an authoritative adult. He perceives any critical remark of the teacher as a sentence: “I can’t do it, and I’m the worst.”

Easily coping with their studies, such children do not pass exams well: “it was very difficult”, “fog before my eyes, buzzing in my ears, I can’t read the question of the task carefully.” Often they give out a high temperature and fall ill on the eve of important events.

Reach for the plank

“Such situations arise, oddly enough, in very good families, where parents are attentive to the child and respond to all his messages,” says developmental psychologist Galiya Nigmetzhanova. – These parents, as a rule, are excellent students in life, “achievers”, they know how to make efforts to overcome difficulties. And they unwittingly set a high bar for their child.

Successful and self-demanding adults do not even have to specifically pronounce the rules. The child himself reads from the atmosphere of the family: I must be impeccable, this is expected of me at home, there are simply no other options. This attitude is formed from the first years of life.

“When I come to consult parents with 3-4-year-old children at their home, I always offer the child to play,” says Galiya Nigmetzhanova. – In the game it is easier to determine how well the child can communicate, cooperate, handle objects, set goals. These are the most common games: pyramids, boards with geometric shapes.

And often I notice: the child and I begin to play, and one of the parents, more often the mother, sits next to us, and with great excitement watches every action of the child.

As soon as he breaks the rule – he starts stringing the rings on the pyramid in the wrong order, his mother immediately begins to make excuses: “He can do everything, he just didn’t sleep well / was tired.” I can see her anxiety and guilt for the fact that she did not educate, did not work well and did not provide her child in the best configuration. And we just play with him!”

The child easily reads the stress of the mother and adopts it. And when he enters some new social environment – a kindergarten, a development group or a sports section, he develops anxiety: he meticulously monitors his actions and feels guilty for his imperfection.

It mirrors the behavior of the parents. No one at home told him that it was impossible to be perfect when you first started learning.

act together

How to change this pessimistic scenario? “Changes cannot be expected until the parents themselves recognize themselves in these situations, relate these experiences to themselves,” explains Galiya Nigmetzhanova. – I suggest that such parents remember: how do they feel when they find themselves in a new situation, with what feelings do they go to the exam, casting or expect revisions, how is it all for them?

It would be very useful to look for this answer together with the child, in parallel – to share with him your experiences, fears that the work will not work out, and the exam will not be passed. Are you embarrassed to enroll in a dance studio, although you love ballet and dream of mastering some of the moves?

Or go there together. Tell your child about how you are coping and how you overcome the desire to hide yourself and hide your imperfections. And his tension will subside.

Here are some more guidelines.

• Pay more attention not to the mistakes of the child, but to what he succeeds. He collects a puzzle or a pyramid – find a reason to rejoice at his dexterity and ingenuity. “You did this, and it’s great!”
• Set up the child to be good not for others, but for himself, to evaluate himself. Ask more often: “How do you see it yourself? What did you like the most?” Every time he says that he is not succeeding, slowly look over the path he has traveled, remind him of what he has already done, that he has done good.
• Capture the meanings of a child! It’s not about blindly following him and condoning any of his desires. No. It is important to pay attention to what drives him when he is doing something. Does he enjoy doing things where he can be first? Or is his main meaning – to meet friends, he has fun with them? Having correctly caught this interest, it is necessary to discuss it, to speak out, to support it: where did you feel first? How did you feel? Were you satisfied?

It is easier for a child who sees that he is understood to continue difficult activities and find personal meanings in any other business. He is more courageous to try and start something new, without fear of criticism and depreciation.