It’s a shame, but the child did not inherit our best qualities (or those that we like most in ourselves). Parents are often annoyed by this and they begin to “build” the child – to sculpt their own small copy of it. Why is it useless and what threatens? Consulted by Ekaterina Burmistrova, child psychologist.
It is those of our qualities that we like, to which we are accustomed, he did not inherit … It is difficult for parents to come to terms with this. A sociable mother is annoyed to find that her daughter is shy in front of her peers, and an intellectual father is angry at her son, who is not at all interested in chess. Wanting to correct the “mistake of nature”, parents often “build” a child: they urge a calm one, pacify a very active one, make fun of a shy one … Why is it so difficult for parents to realize that their child is not as (good) as they are?
«Often we expect to see in him not just ourselves, but ourselves “improved”, almost perfect., – explains psychologist Ekaterina Burmistrova. – The one on whom you can transfer the burden of your unfulfilled plans and unfulfilled goals. An adult is warmed by the hope that his child will succeed in what he himself did not succeed. The son must graduate from the university, where his father did not enter, and the daughter must become an artist, as her mother dreamed of. More often, this attitude is characteristic of narcissistic parents, who are essentially unsure of their worth and unconsciously hope that the child, with their appearance, will confirm their significance with success.
To accept in a child not a continuation of one’s own virtues, but oneself, means to see in him a separate personality. And this is as difficult as accepting the other person’s dissimilarity to us in principle. The intolerance of a father or mother towards the “other” in the face of their own child is a sign of their egocentrism and psychological immaturity. The most painful feelings arise when we discover in a son or daughter those character traits that we are not ready to recognize in ourselves.
Read more:
- The child does not want to see his father: what to do?
“First of all, it is worth understanding: this is more a problem of a parent than a son or daughter,” says the psychologist. To accept a child as a whole, with all his qualities, feelings and desires, you need to respect him and be able to put yourself in the place of another person. Understand him not from his own position, but “based on himself”. “Noticing a difference in behavior or character, try to write down these features each time,” suggests Ekaterina Burmistrova. – And then together discuss the dissimilarity between you that causes you the most emotions, noting both the weaknesses and strengths of each other. And if there is more than one child in the family, be especially careful with the “dissimilar”: after all, it is very painful to grow and mature, feeling that something in you causes rejection or anxiety of loved ones. Like in the tale of the ugly duckling: he was different from those with whom he grew up, and no one told him that he was also good – in his own way.
Ekaterina Burmistrova, family psychotherapist, editor-in-chief of the Internet portal “The Family Grows” (semya-rastet.ru), author of several books, among them – “Irritability” (Nikeya, 2013).