A friend of 36-year-old Lisa tells her that he values uXNUMXbuXNUMXbtheir relationship and is afraid of losing her, but continues to meet with his ex. Lisa suffers from jealousy, but does not interrupt her romance. Why? With this question, she came to the psychotherapist Robert Neuburger.
Lisa, 36 years old, computer layout designer
“The last five months have been terrible. A year ago, I met Boris, and we immediately began dating. But from the very beginning, he warned me that he did not want to rush and that sometimes he needed to be alone. He was very painful about his past relationships and did not want the mistakes to be repeated. I didn’t mind that we lived separately. But in the spring, I found out that he was still dating that woman.”
Robert Neuburger: How did you know about it?
Lisa: I had doubts from the very beginning. Something was bothering me, but I didn’t listen to my intuition. One late evening I called him once, twice, but Boris did not pick up the phone. Then I got into the car and at two in the morning I came to him, but he was not at home. I knew the address of his ex-girlfriend — I saw it in his address book. And went to her. His car was parked near the house. I went into the entrance, went up to the third floor and persistently called. Boris opened the door a few minutes later. From surprise, he was simply dumbfounded, and I had the feeling that the world had collapsed. All the following days, we only did what we discussed our relationship. The hardest thing for me was that we continued to be together. He cheated on me, but I could not be angry with him, I was not even offended. On the contrary, she began to reproach herself for what had happened.
R. N .: How did you meet?
Lisa: In surf competitions, we are both fans of the sport. Probably, my love for this sport on the waves is hereditary, because my mother managed the sail alone.
R. N .: Are your parents alive?
Lisa: Yes, but they don’t live together. When my mother was forty, she left her father, taking three children with her. I was then 10 years old. She was left alone, and her father remarried. I often see my mother, but I practically do not communicate with my father.
R. N .: Did you have a friend before meeting Boris?
Lisa: Yes, and our relationship lasted 10 years. But we didn’t live together. I didn’t want this, because I understood that he didn’t suit me, I wouldn’t want to spend my whole life next to this person, but I couldn’t leave him either. The moment we finally made the decision to live together, he was offered a job at a branch of his company in China. It seemed obvious to him that I would go with him. But I didn’t want to leave my job, my friends, I didn’t want to leave with him, and in the end we broke up. Two years later I met Boris.
R. N .: Now, after you found out about his double life, you still communicate. How does this happen?
Lisa: At first we decided not to see each other in the summer. But very quickly he returned to me and was very convincing, saying that I was the woman of his life, that he understood everything and knew what he wanted … I was happy. And after some time, he again began to meet with that woman. Now that he says he wants to be with me, I think he still loves her. He is tormented by feelings for her, and I’m tired and I don’t understand why I still haven’t sent him to hell. If my ex had caused me a tenth of the suffering that Boris brought, I would not have tolerated it.
R. N .: Are you not considering connecting your life with someone else?
Lisa: No.
R. N .: Are you so drawn to him because he is torn between you and his ex-girlfriend?
Lisa: He doesn’t rush about. He says he wants to be with me. But when he talks about their relationship, which lasted 10 years, I understand his suffering. It took me two years to start another relationship.
R. N .: Except you didn’t date someone else at the same time. This is a big difference.
Lisa: You are right.
R. N .: You do not feel angry, although you have had enough reasons for this?
Lisa: That’s for sure. But now I no longer have that anxious foreboding as at the beginning of our relationship. Maybe because Boris started going to a psychotherapist and is trying to clarify everything for himself.
R. N .: Do your loved ones know?
Lisa: Several of my friends and my mother. They all advised me to leave him, but, seeing that we are still together, they no longer insist. And I myself feel that we are suitable for each other. I trust my feelings and that’s why I’m still with him. We’ve had a bad start, but we both think we should try again.
R. N .: So now you are ready to start all over again?
Lisa: Yes, although it will probably be painful: it is necessary that he bury his old love and be able to switch to a new feeling. He believes that I was made for him and does not want to lose me, but at the same time he has not said goodbye to his past.
R. N .: Have you resumed your sexual relationship?
Lisa: Yes, but rarely — feelings for that woman haunt him.
R. N .: Does he usually have a hard time making decisions?
Lisa: I think yes. In everything. When making a decision, he is not sure that it is the right one, and all the time he doubts whether there is another way out. Even when we choose where to go on the weekend, he pulls to the last.
R. N .: Does this threaten your relationship in the future?
Lisa: I think not, because Boris is undergoing psychotherapy.
R. N .: You are sure that it suits you. Why?
Lisa: We immediately liked each other. We have the same hobbies, similar outlooks on life. I have a very good idea of our future together.
R. N .: Are you planning to start a family with him?
Lisa: I did not seriously think about the family, about the children.
R. N .: Do you love challenges?
Lisa: I always note in my resume: I am not afraid of difficult tasks! I traveled alone in Asia with a backpack on my back. Sometimes I feel like I should stop. But at the same time, I still want to prove something to myself.
R. N .: Craving for difficulties — isn’t this a family trait? Your mother left your father and was left alone with three children. Have there been similar stories in your family before?
Lisa: I do not know.
R. N .: Try to figure it out. Everything that happens in families has a reason. On the one hand, you have difficulties in relations with Boris. On the other hand, you like to overcome obstacles and win in sports … I don’t think your love of difficulties is something bad, but perhaps it is the obstacles in a relationship that attract you to Boris.
Lisa: No, my heart decided for me.
R. N .: He is a difficult person, keeps you in suspense all the time. But what if he comes to you with words of repentance and asks for your hand? Will he interest you then?
Lisa: Hope so. But I’m not waiting for an offer from him. It doesn’t interest me. Although if he made it on top of the Himalayas! ..
R.N. (laughs): Here you see! When difficulties arise in a couple at the beginning of communication between partners, this is not at all bad. Relationships based only on trust often do not withstand difficulties, any accident can easily undermine each other’s confidence. Whereas in your couple, trust is the experience you are trying to build together. This is a challenge for both of you, as if you are conquering a mountain peak. Lisa, have you thought about psychotherapy sessions?
Lisa: I think I need them.
R. N .: That would be good. Your family history is more complicated than you think. Why do the women in your family take on the challenges of life so boldly? This is not a drawback, but this behavior is unusual. I think psychotherapy sessions should not immerse you in problems, but, on the contrary, contribute to an internal reassessment. I don’t have enough information about you to figure everything out. You may want to ask your mom about her past and your family history.
For privacy reasons, we have changed names and some personal details. The recording of the conversation is published with abbreviations and with the consent of Lisa.