Contents
Any changes cause quite natural anxiety. First for the parents, then for the children. Family therapist Svetlana Roiz – about the secrets of adapting a child to any new teams.
About expert
Svetlana Roiz, child and family psychologist, author of The Magic Wand for Parents (Nika Center, 2005) and Where an Angel Lives (Nika Center, 2008). Author of the project “Child Science” – a training program for parents, teachers and psychologists on child psychology. Head of the Psychological Studio (Kyiv, Ukraine).
My son will meet the new academic year in the 8th grade of the new school. It will be “new”. We made the decision to move not because our son is bad at the old school. Miha studies wonderfully, the school is “child-centric” – it’s just time for changes. The son himself said: “I really don’t want to, but it’s time to leave the comfort zone.” Any changes cause quite natural anxiety. Parent and then child. Each of us has our own experience of saying goodbye to the old team and entering the new one. We will try not to transfer it to our children. They have their own potential, their own tasks, their own history.
Read more:
- Does the child have no ability? Can not be!
What is very important to hear, feel, see for a child in the eyes of a parent (as well as for our adult partner) is “I believe in you. If you need help, I’m there, but I know for sure that you can handle it yourself.
It is important for us to remember that:
There are no ideal systems. Only difficulties, which, of course, are within the power of the child, give him the experience of victory and a sense of strength.
– It is not necessary to have fives in all subjects. A lot of what we ourselves went through at school was not useful to us in adulthood.
“School should not be the whole life of a child. This is just part of life.
– A child who is not sure of the love of his parents begins to fixate on “success” – he deserves attention in a roundabout way, through external successes. This leads to excessive tension and, in the end, neurosis, psychosomatic illnesses.
– What is not arranged, not connected, not said and not lived at home, will be reflected in school life.
“Teachers are not responsible for the soul of our child.
So, the decision to transfer to another school (kindergarten) has been made. What is it dictated by? Is this a forced or “voluntary-evolutionary” decision? Escape from bad conditions, an attempt to avoid conflict or a conscious choice? Does the decision coincide with other changes in the child’s life (moving, parental divorce, having a younger child)? Is this the decision of the parents themselves or is it agreed with the child? If we answered “yes” to the first part of the questions, we will need to make a little more effort to give the child a resource before the new school year. Ideally, if between schools the child rests in the camp, goes to a new circle, section, gets a new positive experience of communication in a group.
Read more:
- How to help study without stress
Whatever dictated the decision, it is important for us (or rather, our subconscious) to “perform the ritual”. When we close one door, we open another. Do you remember how people meet and see off changes in the folk tradition? Either mourning or celebration. This allows you to put an end to it – to release the unlived and unfinished. If the child has good relations with classmates, you can arrange a picnic, a mini-meeting, where our child could be told kind words about what is appreciated in him. It is important to agree to meet from time to time or contact in social networks. Take a group photo of friends. You can cook a small family dinner in honor of the child or just buy a small keepsake. If a child leaves school because of a conflict, it is still important to put an end to it.
Preparatory work of parents
In the old school – talk to the director, class teacher, psychologist. Thank you (if any). Ask what needs attention. In a new school: walk around the school itself, feel the atmosphere, stand under the office (if classes are still in progress), listen to the noise background, look at schoolchildren, how relaxed they are, see how open information about school life is (photographs, plans are often hung on the walls etc). When meeting with the principal and class teacher, talk about why you decided to change schools, talk about the characteristics of the child, his strengths and your expectations.
Preparatory work with the child
Wherever we go, we carry ourselves with us, with all our pluses and minuses. I offer children a thinking game “thorns and magnets”. Magnets are qualities that attract people to us. For example, our wit, our kindness, our reliability. But our thorns can hurt and scare off friends. For example, our temper, touchiness, optionality. Children themselves write several “thorns” and, of course, twice as many “magnets”. “Thorns” is something that could cause conflicts and misunderstandings in the old school. That is why the child said: “They are not friends with me.” If you can make a teaser out of the child’s surname, we ourselves come up with funny options for “calling names” with him. This is how we inoculate against resentment.
Read more:
- Julia Gippenreiter: “Parents should not take everything upon themselves”
There are children with a heightened and “subjective” sense of justice. They are sneaky, sincerely believing that they are “helping society.” It is important to explain the difference between truthfulness and justice and the behavior of a sneak.
I often use the metaphor of transplanting a flower into a new pot to illustrate a child’s adaptation to a new place. He needs time to get used to, get used to, take root. At first, the flower needs more careful care, it is sensitive to any influences. But after a few weeks – a month, he is already strong and strong. Our support, care, trust become fertilizer and moisture for the child. It must be remembered that we can differ in temperament. There are different psychotypes, different body types, tempo-rhythms, peculiarities of information perception. If our child is an introvert, one or two people will be enough for him to communicate. From a long stay in a group, in a noisy place, he will begin to get tired, act up, get sick. An extrovert child, on the contrary, needs contacts and an active exchange of emotions. This is a breeding ground for him. Without it, he gets tired, naughty, sick.
The body of the child should be comfortable. If he does not feel safe, all educational information will be blocked. It is important for a child to know where the toilet is, where the dining room is, where to get water for drinking. He should have wet and dry wipes with him. If the school has a dress code, it is important to follow it, but still choose comfortable and high-quality clothes.
Read more:
- What is bulling?
Memo for the child “What helps to quickly turn from a “newbie” into an “old man”
– friendliness
– the ability to get to know each other
– accuracy
– good posture
– variety of interests
Important:
Don’t expect to be “accepted into the company” right away. The class also needs time to adapt.
– Observe and learn the rules and “laws” of the new class.
– Look closely at classmates, respond to an invitation to contact.
– Do not fawn, do not buy attention with gifts.
– Do not talk about how good it was in the old school.
– Do not boast and do not lie about yourself, do not snitch.
– If there are groups and leaders in the class, if the groups have begun to pull over to their side, it is important to say: “Now everyone is interesting and important to me.”
– Do not change yourself, do not agree to what you think is wrong.
Ask questions and seek advice from those you trust.
– Don’t draw too much attention to yourself.
– If it becomes difficult and lonely, to represent parents, friends, those whom you trust, as if you are leaning on them, like on a wall.
Any changes, any new experience, any contacts with new people make us and our children stronger, wiser, more mature. May all adaptations in the lives of our children be easy and painless. Happy growing up!