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Caprice: a necessary test
The goal of whims: to test the limits and find out if their parents will be able to cope with the demands. Rather of blaming yourself and screaming, it is better to decode and understand them. Between 18 months and 4 years, the small child is subjected to an “accelerated growth”. We ask him a lot: learning the pot, entering school… All these stages, these renouncements, these challenges disturb him and result in uncontrolled mood swings and crises. In terms of essentials, we remember the whims of the table around 12 months that make them sulk vegetables and turn meals into a real ordeal. One piece of advice: try to stay zen and especially not stick to food. Ditto for evening crises. It’s up to you to be firm but also tolerant and to set up new, more reassuring rituals (night light, door ajar, flashlight under the pillow, etc.).
Why does he need to be capricious?
Despite appearances, a toddler in crisis does not seek conflict. He’s only trying to get and grab his mother’s attention. This is called the crisis of opposition and it is a sign that he is growing, that he is asserting himself, that he has desires that he intends to enforce. The problem is, you don’t always have enough perspective to stay calm. When you come home from work exhausted, you inevitably experience very badly the Xth whim of the youngest. A child feels his mother’s lack of attention and will seek to verify, by all means, that she is still there for him. It exploits the slightest flaw. The striking example: the big anger in public because he wants his packet of candy at the corner convenience store. He tries the influence of the gaze of the other, always embarrassing for the parents.
How to anticipate a whim?
With a toddler, you can already temporize your desire, not always be at attention. Saying softly: “Wait a second, mom is preparing the bottle,” teaches her patience and, perhaps, prevents tyrannical behavior. Later, at nursery or school time, we try to avoid very long tiring days, which risk triggering cascading whims. Set the rules straight away: “We’re going to do the shopping, but I’m warning you, I’m not buying anything, I have no money for the candy”, or even: “You can do two rounds of the merry-go-round, not more. And no need to insist! “.
How to react to whims?
Faced with screaming, no need to start screaming louder than him, instead try to internalize and channel his whim, and hug him to help him contain his emotions. Then remains to create a diversion. You can talk to him about yourself: “Me too, you know, I had caprices when I was little.” I’ll tell you. Or: “Hey, we’re going to ask dad if that happened to him too. “. Another option: you remain firm and open at the same time. Example: at the supermarket, faced with his insistence on buying candy, we remain firm: “No, you put this package back”. But he is offered a way out: “Come help me choose the cheese, dad will be happy to know you did.” In short, you have to transform the negative into a positive and give it a pole so that it calms down. If he threw his plate of peas on the floor, he must help us clean up. These are restorative acts that will help him get out of his crisis.
What if you can’t cope with her whims anymore?
Six, eight whims a day … You wonder if it is not worth going for a walk to the shrink … Ask yourself the right questions: how is it between the whims? Playful, cuddly, smart, curious, or sad and constantly depressed? Ask the teacher or the childcare assistant to find out if he is well socialized at the nursery or at school, or if he stays in his corner. Do the whims pass easily? Is he curious? Is he looking to discover the world (that’s a good sign) or does he have no particular desire? And you ? How do you feel ? If whims obsess you for much of the day (to the point of anxiety when you pick him up from nursery), it might be time to consult.