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Many films have been made and even more books have been written about the fact that in old age you can live brightly and fully. But what if your elderly parents are convinced that their life is over – to accept their choice? Or try to change the mood? Cognitive psychologist Yulia Zakharova answers.
My mother is 75, and she leads a very active lifestyle: she goes to the pool, goes on excursions to different cities, and goes to exhibitions. Her father is not much older than her, he is 79, but since he retired a year and a half ago, all he does is sleep and watch TV. The sister says: let him do what he likes, leave him alone. He himself admits that in recent years he has not been sleeping well and that waking up in the morning is just a nightmare for him. Says his age is a good enough reason not to do anything. We offered him various activities, but all to no avail. And so I would like to see that he enjoys something, at least something to please him. It seems to me that he, in fact, no longer wants to live.
Tatyana, 42 years old
“HELP YOUR DAD GET A NEW MEANING IN LIFE”
Yulia Zakharova, cognitive psychologist:
Tatyana, you pay attention to how parents behave differently in their old age. You compare your father with your mother and think: he could be just as active. Together with your sister, you made a number of attempts to awaken a zest for life in dad – unfortunately, without success. But the fact that you are so attentive to your father and worried about him is very good.
If I understand you correctly, you are trying to figure out if your father’s condition is normal, whether to leave him alone or to take some action. Let’s see why this happens and what to do about it.
Many perceive old age as a series of losses.
It is important to know that different people may react differently to the same events. Probably, your mother perceives the retirement age as a time of new opportunities: the children have grown up, there is no need to go to work, but you can travel, be interested in art, play sports. Perhaps you did not pay attention, but, most likely, even before mom positively perceived various life changes.
But not everyone perceives old age as a period of opportunity. For many, this is nothing more than a series of losses: children live their own lives, health deteriorates, they have to leave work. Feelings of worthlessness, uselessness and loneliness come to the fore.
Your parents may feel differently. You write that the father is not much older than the mother, but the difference of four years at that age can be quite significant.
Make an appointment for your father
Your fears are justified: in old age there can be many reasons for such symptoms as sleep disturbance, indifference to life and unwillingness to do anything – from a sharp deterioration in the functioning of the nervous system to depression. Therefore, it is very important to convince dad to visit a psychiatrist.
It is difficult to motivate many people to see a psychiatrist, people resist, they say: “I am not crazy!” But if you explain to your father that the doctor can pick up drugs to improve sleep, most likely he will meet you halfway.
DON’T LEAVE ATTEMPT TO KEEP CONTACT
Try to help your father feel needed, useful.
1. Regularly set aside time to communicate with him.
Talk to your father about things that interest you or him. Let him know that you need his company.
If you have children, ask for advice on parenting. Ask his opinion about what is happening in politics and economics. Tell about interesting events in your life. Discuss books and art. Since your father likes to watch TV, invite him to the movies. Invite him to go to an exhibition or theater.
2. Be Patient: Older people are often grouchy and irritable
Sometimes you really want to leave them alone – it is so difficult to find the strength to cope with irritation.
If you feel tired and losing your temper, take care of your spiritual comfort first of all.
3. Teach your father to use the means of communication: Skype, social networks. So he will be able to communicate more with relatives in other cities, find friends whom he has long lost sight of.
4. Make some more attempts to find something for your father to do.
Often older people are ready to take on simple tasks related to their grandchildren: draw together, help with math, check English.
5. Find out about the district social service center
On the basis of such centers, there are often free clubs and sections for the elderly, where they can communicate and learn new skills.
6. Ask your father if he will agree to have a pet.
He will not be so lonely, and the responsibility for the animal will bring additional meaning to his life. A small calm dog will give the father a reason to take walks at least twice a day.
Finally, watch the tragicomedy of German director Til Schweiger “Honey in the Head”. This is a film about how a family learns to cope with the illness of an elderly father. Love, humor and acceptance help the heroes get through hard times.
About the Developer
Yulia Zakharova – clinical psychologist, member of the Association of Cognitive Behavioral Therapists, works at the Doctor Nearby clinic. Read more on her .