Many couples dream of moving abroad. For some, a change of scenery helps bring back their former passion, strengthen relationships. But it happens that a foreign country completely changes the family way of life and leads to unexpected changes.
Among my clients there are many who have changed their place of residence, moving temporarily or permanently to another country. A few months ago, 28-year-old Alexei knocked on my Skype: difficulties in the family. Infrequent, it must be said, a case — usually in a couple, a woman is the first to seek help.
Alexey and Marina got married early, were happy, lived in one of the major cities. He is thoughtful, calm, withdrawn, a programmer by profession. She is a PR person, energetic, sociable, decisive. This is what attracted him once: they successfully complemented each other. But one day Alexei was offered a job in Holland, they discussed it, and the man signed the contract.
The move abruptly and unexpectedly changed the lives of each of them and their lives as a couple. The company provided housing, there were no financial difficulties, but Marina did not have the right to work, and Alexei had everything scheduled. He went to the office, attended events in accordance with the corporate culture, learned the language. And Marina led a secluded life. From this she became irritated, often cried, did not sleep well. Alexei saw that the woman he loved was getting worse, did not understand what to do, and suffered from his insolvency.
Marina needed more attention and participation than he could give. Yes, he was not used to the fact that she needed support, he himself was going through a difficult period: a new environment, a team, performance requirements were different than at home. He had more freedom, but also more responsibility — and, accordingly, anxiety: what if I can’t cope? Previously, the house was a resource where he drew strength. Now, returning from work, he met the reproachful look of his wife.
In this case, the crisis of adaptation was expressed in the fact that the roles in the family changed diametrically. Alexey tried to understand what kind of support he could give to Marina and, no less important, to himself. We worked with him to ensure that he learned to express his feelings, and they were complex and contradictory. Our second task was to make plans for the future, to formulate goals.
Psychology has no task to keep a couple’s life together no matter what
But nevertheless, the crisis in relations reached such an acuteness that the spouses parted. Marina stayed in Holland, Alexei provides her with financial assistance. The advantage is that they realized that the difficulties in their communication are not connected with the fact that there seems to be less love. They learn not to blame each other, but to share experiences, to describe the processes that are happening to them. Here is such a paradox: there was more mutual understanding, but as a result they came to a common decision that they should live separately for some time.
I hope this will help each of them to devote all their resources to solving personal problems, and then try to build new relationships, taking into account the changed circumstances.
Psychology does not have the task of maintaining a couple’s life together no matter what. The task is different — to help the client realize what he is striving for and in what ways he can achieve this (not “relationships at any cost”, but “relationships that please and satisfy me”). Teach him not to panic, not to put himself in the position of a victim or an accuser, but instead to courageously get acquainted with his feelings, no matter how difficult they may be.
The better we understand ourselves, the better we understand others — these processes are interconnected. Work continues.