Wanted or forced, moving is always an internal shock. Leaving our native walls, parting with things, witnesses of the past, settling in a new space — this causes very diverse feelings in us, from emptiness to joyful inspiration.
“When I left the notary, having sold my apartment, fear suddenly came over me, almost panic. Why did I do all this? What have I done? I wanted to scream: “Give me back my house!” recalls 35-year-old Natalia. “But until recently, I was flying on wings from the mere thought that my little son and I would finally move from a cramped one-room apartment to a more spacious apartment!”
According to a study by the TNS Sofres International Institute for Marketing Research, 70% of us experience serious stress when moving. Especially women — 82% of them admit that they went through it with difficulty.
Often we think that it’s all about the power of habit, because of which it is so difficult to part with a house, yard, district
However, psychotherapist Maria Fedorova believes that it is more accurate to talk about attachment: “Attachment implies security, reliability, stability. The house is a settled, fenced area, it is imbued with our spirit, memories. All this is our history. It’s a shell where we hide when we feel safe. Parting with her, we feel very uncomfortable.”
Psychologist Alexandra Suchkova adds: “In general, a person is characterized by a fear of change — whether it is a change of job, place of residence or new relationships. Any new situation increases the degree of uncertainty, and hence anxiety: how will everything turn out now? That’s why moving is so exhausting. But when we make a decision, a new potential appears in life. This is a sign of the desire to live, to change, to move forward.
This is an opportunity to sum up
Today it is difficult to imagine a person who would never change the roof over his head. If earlier the notorious housing problem forced two or even three generations of the family to coexist together, now young people, barely getting on their feet, tend to live separately, at least in a rented apartment. Marriage, the birth of children, career growth, divorce, remarriage — important milestones in the biography are often accompanied by a change of residence
“A change of residence is the end of one life period and the beginning of a new one,” agrees 40-year-old Yana. “This is an opportunity to redefine, renew and get rid of excess burden. I throw away clothes that have been stale in the closet, gifts from former lovers … «
It’s not always a change for the better. Sometimes a divorce, the loss of a highly paid job, a credit trap can force you to move to a smaller apartment, change the center to a remote area. And this also increases anxiety, our image suffers: since I now live in a cramped and cheap apartment, then my “I” seems to be decreasing.
However, any move encourages us to seek our own identity: “Who am I? What am I doing with my life? Are you satisfied?
It is always a summing up of intermediate results, and it is very important, says Alexandra Suchkova, to pay close attention to this procedure: “Farewell to the old house provides a precious opportunity to take an “inventory” of the events experienced here, to figure out what role we played in them, what we did wrong and what we can change in the future. If parting is experienced honestly, being aware of one’s feelings, then these reflections can become a psychological resource for solving new problems.
Agreeing with this, Maria Fedorova adds: “It would be nice to say thank you to yourself, to others, to the house for all the good that was here. And also talk with relatives, compare feelings: what was important for you? And how do you remember it? Such a natural boundary allows us to say something important that we don’t discuss in everyday life, and to understand each other better, to figure out together what we want to change, starting life in a new place.”
Saying goodbye to native walls involuntarily resurrects the experience of past separations, starting from the very first — with the mother’s womb, Maria Fedorova believes. And so a change of residence is always traumatic. The situation is aggravated by all the accompanying circumstances: arrogant or unscrupulous realtors, scammers operating in the housing market, who have to be feared. Finally, a string of potential buyers, whose visits are often painful.
“Our home is a projection of our “I”, this is our protected world. And when strangers come into it, inspect and evaluate it, we perceive it as if they evaluate and criticize us ourselves, ”comments Alexandra Suchkova.
Why do we want to take old unnecessary things with us
The gathering is in full swing, we are packing things, throwing others away… And, looking around, we see that our nest has been devastated. The old house is no more, the new one is not yet. This intermediate point is the most difficult. “Any transition is always a test, a step into the unknown,” says Maria Fedorova. — We see our nest ruined, so cozy, beloved, in which so much effort has been invested. And we ruined it ourselves, with our own hands. This gives rise to a sense of guilt, orphanhood.
At every step, we find ourselves in a situation of choice — what things to take with us, and what to get rid of. And suddenly we begin to cling to seemingly complete nonsense. Some old concert ticket will suddenly seem like a jewel — reminding you of a romantic love story. Throwing something away means getting rid of some part of your past. Putting old postcards from childhood in a trash bag is like moving away from those who once sent them to us.
Torn children’s books, a shabby teddy bear are witnesses to the continuity of our existence.
“I was going to give the neighbors the service left from my grandmother, because I have two more of my own, much more beautiful,” recalls 43-year-old Nina. “But at the last moment, I didn’t dare to part with him. As soon as I realized that now I would lose it forever, it immediately gained value. I wanted to take with me a lot of absolutely, seemingly unnecessary: my son’s school notebooks, a sweater knitted for him 20 years ago by my mother … «
“We tend to have children’s magical thinking,” explains Alexandra Suchkova. “We endow objects with a special power, and they become ‘talking’, acquire ‘added value’ in our eyes.” For the same reason, we are relieved to get rid of things that bring back painful memories.
When it comes to departure, it turns out that even what used to annoy us in the house turns out to be an important part of our “fortress”: a mischievous neighbor, piano scales coming from the upper apartment …
The difficulty of moving lies in the loss of familiar landmarks and in the efforts that will have to be made to create a new living space
We can laugh at superstitions, but nevertheless we are the first to let the cat in through the threshold, then we rush to wash the floor of the new apartment for the first time. These ancient rituals are symbolic acts that help to adapt to new conditions. The cat will «secure» the house from evil spirits, the water will clear the space from the presence of the previous tenants.
“There is no need to drive away sadness and a sense of loss, it is much better to accept them,” says Alexandra Suchkova. “At first it seems that we have destroyed, cut off some memories,” notes Maria Fedorova. — But time will pass, we will use the usual things, look at the photographs we brought with us — and we will find that the memories have remained with us. And it helps to “collect” yourself again. We will build a new coordinate system, “tame” an unfamiliar space, acquire new habits, new acquaintances. These are always new opportunities that open up before us.”