Mothers love their sons more, and fathers love their daughters: is this true?

Parents have a special attachment to children of the opposite sex due to unconscious cravings – this is how some psychological theories explain this phenomenon. Moreover, the children themselves show reciprocal love for a parent whose gender is different from their own.

However, in practice, there are a variety of cases of child-parent relationships that do not fit into this theory at all, psychologist Elizaveta Filonenko clarifies.

Parents, both mothers and fathers, do sometimes admit that they love one of their children more, she says, and gender doesn’t play a decisive role in forming a stronger attachment.

“I AM MOTHER’S FAVORITE BABY”

Victor, 25 years old

My mother never got along with her mother, my grandmother, but she had a wonderful relationship with her father. Now she has two children: me and my sister, who is 10 years younger than me. Mom, of course, loves both me and my sister, but somehow she mentioned that she loves me more.

She often mentioned that she always wanted a son and was sure that she would have a boy. But the father shows more tenderness to his sister.

I constantly felt strong love and care from my mother. In my environment, I have never seen mothers treat their daughters with the same reverence as my mother treats me. At the same time, she is more demanding and strict towards her sister. She helps more around the house: I always just cleaned, and my sister also cooks.

Mom seriously controls her performance at school: she says that she must be an excellent student in order to get a good job in life, because it is more difficult for women than for men. In the meantime, not only fours, but also threes were saying goodbye to me. I’m not saying that I wasn’t scolded at all for my grades at school, but they definitely treated me more loyally.

WHO IS MORE LUCKY?

Girls are indeed more involved in housework than boys, but this does not mean that parents are more reverent about their sons, says the psychologist. Rather, this is the result of tradition – women are more involved in domestic issues.

Mothers raise their daughters by teaching them what they used to do themselves. And less help is expected from sons, because in general, in society, men are less likely to be dedicated to household chores. Women themselves, including the future wives of boys, suffer first of all from such upbringing.

And although sons are in a winning position, their role in the family cannot be called privileged. So, boys are more likely to have difficulties with discipline and control of aggression, so they are more often subjected to strict, including physical punishment.

The role of the “difficult” child also, as a rule, goes to sons, which negatively affects the attitude of adult family members towards them.

As for fathers, they often treat their daughters more tenderly, and behave quite harshly with their sons. Thus, they bring up a “male character” in them and model future relationships in a male team, the psychologist explains.

The father seeks to show that the world will make serious demands on the grown-up boy. And there is a reasonable grain in this.

However, if the father goes too far and never behaves gently towards his son, does not help him, then the child loses the feeling of support and acceptance from the most significant man.

“It is reasonable to stick to the golden mean. A father’s love may not be the same as a mother’s love, but still it should be love, not drill, ”Filonenko emphasizes.

“I FELT INDIFFERENT ON THE PART OF MOM”

Evgenia, 17 years old

When mom and dad separated, my younger brother and I first lived with my grandmother. Then I moved to my father, and my mother went to another city and took my brother back six months later. Dad almost never raised his voice at me and never beat me, unlike mom.

My mother was more nervous and strict with me than with my brother. Dad, in turn, loved us equally. In everyday life, I felt indifference from my mother. For example, I could safely walk in torn sneakers for several months, and my brother bought new shoes as needed.

Now my brother is forgiven what was not forgiven to me. His mother is more forgiving towards him. She closes her eyes to his unwillingness to study, and at one time she demanded good grades from me.

I was often forced to take responsibility for him and his actions. If he broke a cup or flower pot, it was my fault. In general, I think that the fact that I am an older and unexpected child had a big impact on the situation.

LOVE FOR ADULT CHILDREN OF DIFFERENT SEX

With age, the attitude of parents towards children varies greatly, regardless of gender. The tenderness that is addressed to the baby is replaced by other feelings, this happens gradually throughout growing up.

At the same time, in adulthood, close and trusting relationships are still more often established between a mother and her daughter and between a son and his father. “They have similar life challenges and experiences that create a natural context for communication. It is easier for them to find common themes,” says Filonenko.

At the same time, special close ties between the mother and the adult son predominate in heterosexual “parent-adult child” couples. Such relationships can greatly hinder the son in building a prosperous family, since the mother plays too much of a role in his life.

“There are no gender differences in most issues of education,” the psychologist sums up. “Both girls and boys need love and support, approval and praise, discipline and responsibility, autonomy and willpower, involvement in household chores and family decisions.”