Mothers and sons: why such love?

“I didn’t even think to look for a life partner who looked like a mother. But it turned out that after two unsuccessful marriages, I am finally happily married to a woman, both in type and in character, reminiscent of my mother, ”says 40-year-old Sergey. “Mom, like a telepath, feels my problems at a distance. If something goes wrong with me, she immediately calls, ”says 21-year-old Igor. “Sometimes I laugh at myself: it’s like I’m already a big boy, the boss, I have more than 30 people under my command, and in difficult situations there is a desire to share with my mother,” says 32-year-old Yaroslav.

It is worth thinking about the relationship of mothers and sons, as memory throws up a whole set of clichés. About the Oedipus complex, about the fact that a mother is the first woman in a man’s life, that, as an adult, he will look for her traits in women and that he will forever be haunted by a feeling of guilt before his mother … Is this true or a myth, but the idea that the relationship of mother and son is special, lives firmly in our minds.

“Neither she nor he has anyone else in this world who would be so loved. This is almost physically tangible love, the edge, the limit of love, behind which only something real is hidden … ”- this is how director Alexander Sokurov describes this inextricable connection in the annotation for his film“ Mother and Son ”.

“All writers in one way or another conduct a dialogue with their own mother in books: they argue with her, prove their love to her, or take revenge for childhood insults,” says French psychoanalyst Jean-Bertrand Pontalis.

They either remain silent, or enthusiastically begin to idealize the mother. But what about mothers? Many of them will never say that they love their son more than their daughter. But the majority with obvious pleasure and pride talk about their sons.

“I dreamed of a son and I am happy that fate gave him to me,” says 39-year-old Natalia. – This is a novelty of sensations, because what a growing girl is, I already know for myself. It’s more interesting for me with a boy, his horizons are wider than those of girls of his age, he is open to the whole world, which he will have to conquer in the future.

Hope and Pride

“From time immemorial, a woman who gave birth to a son enjoyed special respect,” says psychologist Ekaterina Mikhailova. – In the Novgorod Republic, for example, a widowed mother who raised her son had distinctive rights. In the Russian village, the boy’s mother had the prospect of getting a daughter-in-law under her command and, at least at a late age, gaining power and authority, which she was deprived of when she herself “went under her mother-in-law.”

The expression “be proud of your child” in most societies referred to sons: they had more social opportunities. Sons got married – daughters were attached. It was the son who was perceived as the heir to the surname, craft, title, as the successor of the clan. Hence, perhaps, the idea of ​​serving the son arose. Finally, there was a pragmatic moment: in old age, it was the sons who provided help and support to the mother. The son was hope, pride and provided the mother with social status.

“It is not for nothing that in the folklore of different nations there are many anecdotes in which mothers brag about the successes of their sons, and not a single similar story about mothers and daughters,” adds Ekaterina Mikhailova. But why is it still difficult for a modern woman to part with the ideas of our ancestors?

What does it mean to raise a boy?

There is an opinion that it is more difficult to raise boys – it is more responsible and difficult. Is it really? “There is always another concern for the boy, another control over him,” says psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. – But the son, who is completely under control, from the point of view of the mother herself, is somehow “wrong”. Any reasonable mother understands that at some point he must say: “no”, “I myself”, “this does not concern you”. And such secession, independence, and even protest are not only acceptable, they are almost obligatory.

Another point: the boy does not have to be like his mother. That is, of course, he can inherit the features of her appearance or her abilities, adopt her weaknesses. But he is fundamentally different – a boy, as a creature of the opposite sex, is arranged differently and does not identify himself with his mother.

This is probably why mothers and sons are so interested in being together. Their communication is often not limited to everyday life, they, much more likely than with girls, can have conversations about the structure of the world, about books, about God … And if the son asks a question on some serious topic, the mother cannot laugh it off – she will answer seriously . Somewhere in the depths of her soul, she suspects that her ability to be an interesting companion for her son is the key to the strength of their contact in the future. In this sense, sons keep mothers in good shape.”

The need for a merger

If a woman tried to imagine that she was born from her father’s belly, that for several months she fed milk from his chest, that he caressed her and that she bathed in the smells of his body, she could get an idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbwhat is happening in the mind of a boy.

Perhaps the “feature” of the relationship between the boy and the mother is due precisely to this initial merging with the mother’s body. The temptation to keep the symbolic umbilical cord is great for both mother and son.

“Both of them are equally bewitched by nostalgia for the monistic paradise of unity and harmony. He wants to return to the wonderfully sweet fragrance of motherly depths, and she (again and again) – to be this wonderfully sweet fragrance, ”writes Milan Kundera about the relationship between mother and teenage son.

“However, fantasies about a merger, about ideal relationships, about owning a mother more often arise when the father’s role in the child’s life is greatly underestimated, deformed, or he is completely absent,” says psychoanalyst Tatiana Alavidze.

“It’s good when the father is loved and appreciated by the mother,” psychologist Natalya Evsikova agrees. – And his image (if a woman brings up her son alone) is based on the best that was in this man. But more often in an incomplete family, the mother connects her hopes for the future with her son and becomes painfully attached to the child.

Sergei, a 20-year-old student, is grateful to his mother for letting him go early: “My mother and I were together all the time. But in the 10th grade, I moved to another school. She was so far from our home that I moved in with my grandmother – and began to communicate with my father a lot. Both of them are completely unwilling to patronize me. I made friends, and recently a girlfriend. I still love my mother, but I understand: if I had stayed with her, I would have lived attached.

In order to break the feeling of such a “fusion of bodies”, the child must understand that he is not an extension of the mother’s body. “If he doesn’t realize this, then he runs the risk of feeling his responsibility for what happens to her all his life, he will forever be torn between the desire to escape from her – and overprotective,” comments French psychoanalyst Serge Efez.

A boy and only a boy

Some women dream of having a boy. Why do they choose such an object for their fantasies?

“The wording “I want a boy” (or a girl) implies some kind of internal conflict in a woman, explains Tatyana Alavidze. – The need for a daughter can speak of the desire to “give birth to yourself again” and bring up taking into account the mistakes of your life, “reissue” a successful version of yourself and close relationships with your mother …

The desire to give birth to a boy often arises from the need to change everything, for example, to realize oneself in a male – more influential, free – incarnation, to embody the fantasy of duality, which is unrealizable in reality.

“If the presence of a penis and the opportunity to feel full for a woman are mutually conditioning factors, then the birth of a boy will be a way to feel whole, to feel your omnipotence,” notes Serge Efez. “But, fortunately, most women objectively perceive the difference between the sexes and do not experience such problems.”

Traps of love

“From birth to about three years old, the attitude towards the mother of a boy and a girl is similar: she is the closest person, the one who cares and protects,” says Tatyana Alavidze. “But then comes the Oedipal complex. From now on, the girl turns her love to her father: “I will marry dad!” The boy is different: he continues to love his mother and competes with his father for her love.

Sons (especially first-born) in a sense satisfy the ambitions of a woman. But the lower the mother’s self-esteem, the more likely she is to use the relationship with her son to strengthen her.

“But who does such a woman really love so passionately? Alas, she loves herself and protects her son from all the dangers of life because she is unconsciously afraid of losing this wonderful inner state of comfort and peace, ”says Natalya Evsikova. Often, mothers use love for their son in order to compensate for their love disappointments: he is an ideal man who will never betray! Here is a love that will never pass!

“Sometimes it seems to me that my son appeared in my life only for me to know: I can be loved,” admits 33-year-old Veronica.

“In this case, the relationship between mother and son can be viewed as a “psychological marriage,” explains Tatiana Alavidze. “In this way, a woman gets away from her real problem – the inability to establish a partnership with an adult man.” As a result, she “closes” her personal life for herself, but her son’s personal life becomes almost impossible.

“When a man is overly emotionally attached to his mother, he doesn’t need anyone else,” agrees Natalya Evsikova. By the way, the second and even more so the third boy in the family is less threatened by the danger of suffocating maternal love.

“As a rule, parents want variety, and after their son they are waiting for the appearance of their daughter. Therefore, if the first boy usually evokes a feeling of delight, then in relation to the next, a hint of disappointment is mixed in the mother: why not a girl? And their relationship is developing more calmly, ”notes Natalya Evsikova.

A source of strength… and frustration

34-year-old Igor, in a playful and slightly condescending tone, says: “I remember the caustic remark of my younger sister:“ If I didn’t know that your name is Igor, I would think that your name is “My son”. The enormous pride that my mother felt for me greatly oppressed me in my teenage years. But now I understand that her enthusiastic love charged me with self-confidence for 10 lives ahead!

Mark, 36, a successful lawyer, believes that his career is largely due to his mother: “She always kept saying:“ You have great potential. Whichever path you choose, I believe you have a great future.” Mom never put pressure on me, but at the same time she programmed me for success.

However, the same Mark regretfully admits: “The problem is that I still have no family. I expect women to love me like my mother, unselfishly, and that I won’t have to work hard to earn their love.” Not all “adored” sons dare to such recognition, and not all mothers will agree with this.

To believe in a child, but not to impose a certain path on him – this is the secret of true maternal love, which becomes a source of strength and self-confidence for the son.