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Mother’s Day “Feeling judged by a mother questions self-concept, self-esteem and confidence”
Experts explain that if the transition to adulthood of the relationship between mother and child has not been made from love and understanding, the bond suffers and the parties distance themselves
Not everyone has one such a good relationship with his mother like that idyllic duo that Lorelai and Rory formed in ‘Gilmore Girls’, and not all have relationships as complicated as Norman and Norma Bates. In general, most of them move in a gray area, with their pluses and minuses, and it is with work and love that they come to fruition, although from time to time the ship deviates.
As children, in most cases, we all have a good relationship with our mother and it is in adolescence when the first disagreements appear. «In adolescence, the individuation process arises, which consists of beginning to understand separate personal identity
family. For this reason, we tend to make small breaks in the bond with our mother. We try to be different, to differentiate ourselves from her “, explains Irene Lorza Gil, psychologist at TherapyChat. Likewise, Sheila Estévez, a psychologist specializing in emotional conflicts, points out that this moment of adolescence is when the maternal bond changes: it goes from a child-adult relationship to an adult-to-adult relationship. “This often leads to conflict or rebellion. That does not mean that we stop loving our mother; It is a normal, healthy and very necessary process ”, recalls Lorza Gil.
The next natural step, as adolescence is left behind, is ‘reconciliation’ with mothers. The TherapyChat psychologist says that it is the moment when we begin to reconcile with ourselves and with our family. «We begin to understand that our mother is, like any person, someone with her defects and her virtues. And we started value effort and perseverance that our mother has had with us over the years, ”he says.
An adult-to-adult relationship
Once that new relationship is consolidated, in which there is a bond between two adults, new problems arise, such as the difficulty to express what they feel and the effort to understand the other. Estévez comments that if the transition into adulthood of the relationship It has not been done from love and understanding, the bond suffers and the parties grow apart. “If the mother figure continues in the same caregiver and authority role, instead of having an adult-to-adult relationship with the children, the bond becomes obsolete and then problems come,” says the professional.
Furthermore, we are talking about a very complex relational bond. As Lorza Gil explains, if the mother-child bond is formed based on support, unconditional acceptance and love, problem solving is not that complex, but it is not always the case. “Sometimes due to conditions and obstacles in life, due to personal difficulties of our own or of our mother, or due to complex family contexts, this bond may not be so idyllic and, in that case, it may suppose us suffering”, comments the professional, which also adds that there are adult people who decide to break that bond with their mother and “it is equally lawful if they consider it so.” Also, Estévez adds that the mother-child bond is usually a place where trust is forged and therefore, “feeling judged by the mother questions one’s own security and with it self-concept, self-esteem and self-confidence” .
Why is it hard for us to call our mother?
Irene Lorza Gil comments that there are many reasons why calling our mother can be complicated, but most often we do not want to worry, because we need to show ourselves that we are capable of solving things without her help or because we fear that she will judge us. “Mothers are a fundamental support, but it is also very important that we have our own autonomy detached from them,” he says.
One thing that tends to ‘make you angry’ is realize that each time you look more like your mother. It happens that many times the mother figure is idealized and, as she grows up and sees her with an adult gaze, that ‘myth’ that is sometimes created around the mother disappears. “Adult children win in a critical attitude, and they see the good things and the not so good in their mother, often being a reflection of things to improve in themselves”, says psychologist Sheila Estévez. Irene Lorza Gil assures us that it is very common to surprise ourselves doing things that we saw in our mothers and that we swore we would never repeat.
If we feel that the relationship with our mother can improve, this always requires a little effort (on both sides). The TherapyChat professional leaves two tips: understand and internalize that our mothers are people with defects and virtues, accepting the first and reinforcing the second. Also, it talks about the importance of establishing limits with the mother figure, both physical, emotional and communication. For her part, Sheila Estévez recommends, on the one hand, striving to understand that a mother does what she considers best for the well-being of her children, although sometimes we do not understand it. In addition, it points out the importance of not allowing yourself to fall into a regression, or accepting childish treatment, since it will be difficult to expect fairness if an asymmetric link is fed back.