Contents
Why do you need a mom?
In the first year of life, the child establishes a close psychological connection with the mother. The lack of maternal love and attention during this period affects then for many years. There are two rules for dealing with a baby. First: “A child is a guest in the house. It can be loved and respected, but it is impossible to rule over it, for it belongs to life,” the Hindus wrote in the ancient Vedas several millennia ago. It provides for a lovingly respectful and at the same time somewhat detached attitude towards the child. Another rule was formulated in psychology already in our century: the baby did not come into this world in order to meet the expectations of his parents. Each child comes into the world with his own goals and must go his own way. And parents are faced with the task of helping their child to reveal their individuality and their capabilities.
The child is hyper-receptive to the mental state of the mother. If the mother is happy and peaceful, then the baby grows healthy and joyful. Please note: when you are calm, then the baby is calm; as soon as you get nervous, the baby becomes capricious and unbalanced. A child is your psychological barometer by which you can determine your mental well-being. The kid needs to feel that he is loved, so do not be afraid to spoil him with love. This is necessary for the child to safely pass all the difficult moments of the first year of life, when a very important psychological formation is being formed — basic trust in the world. If the baby communicates a lot with a calm and affectionate mother, if his needs are regularly and gently taken care of, then the child develops a positive attitude towards himself (I am loved, which means I am good), self-confidence and capabilities (adequate self-esteem), initiative . Then the baby grows cheerful, friendly, inquisitive and active, and he treats other people with sympathy and interest. Subsequently, he will learn to be friends and feel love. If the baby has not developed a basic trust in the world, then he will treat himself badly, grow up anxious, unsure of his abilities, gloomy, aggressive, stubborn, and he will be wary of people, which can be expressed in whims, obstinacy, aggressiveness .
Moms are different
The harmony of the upbringing of the boy to a large extent depends on the nature of maternal behavior. Let’s look at an approximate «typology of mothers» and try to find the type of behavior that we implement in relation to our son.
Anxious mothers, who are constantly in a state of internal tension, which also manifests itself in external anxiety. The ways of raising such a mother are characterized by inconsistency: sometimes she pampers, sometimes she punishes, often for the same actions. With such a mother, the baby will grow up in a restless atmosphere in which it is difficult to understand what he is doing right and what is not. And the child becomes capricious, anxious, whiny and excitable, which does not contribute to his normal mental development.
Owner mothers, who believe that the child was born to solve their life problems. Such mothers, speaking about their child, use the phrases: “I gave birth to a child for myself”, “Let my son have what I didn’t have, let him achieve what I didn’t achieve.” This attitude indicates that the mother seeks to absorb the child, to merge with him, to prevent the child from living an independent life. This attitude makes it difficult to see the individuality of the child, his true needs and inclinations. Often in the behavior of her son that she does not like, such a mother sees the evil will of the baby, the desire to annoy. And gradually disappointment comes to her: she was expecting a completely different son. It is also very important here whether the sex of the child coincides with maternal expectations. If not, then there is a risk that the mother will unconsciously suppress the qualities inherent in the real sex of the child, and try to form in him the features of the opposite sex or some kind of contradictory qualities.
Domineering-authoritarian mothers, who, not taking into account the psychophysiological and age characteristics of the boy, impose their system of requirements on him. Such a mother will force-feed the child at a time when she considers it necessary; will ignore his crying, leaving him alone if he thinks that the child needs to sleep at this time. Unfortunately, such mothers are unshakably sure that they are acting correctly and for the good of the child, regardless of his behavior. And any whim or refusal to obey is regarded as a rebellion that must be suppressed. It is not surprising if such a mother grows up a downtrodden, withdrawn and emotionally dysfunctional boy. At the same time, a colossal internal charge of aggression can form in him, which later develops into open negativity towards his mother or even towards all representatives of the opposite sex.
Pessimistic-depressive mothers, whose condition is most often depressed and tired. They avoid contact with the child; caring for him, they are silent and do not smile. It seems that for them raising a son is a heavy and joyless burden. Such a mother thinks: “This is my cross, which will have to be dragged all my life!”. The baby does not receive the necessary maternal love and warmth, and the feeling of attachment to the mother is not formed. As a result, the need for communication with adults is not satisfied, which can cause mental retardation.
We hope you noticed that in the cases described, mothers do not feel the joy of motherhood and do not see a personality in their son. In contrast to these types, we will draw a portrait of the ideal mother, which is exactly what you will become. Such a woman constantly learns to be a mother, tries to be cheerful, balanced and calm, accepts the child as he is, watching him and understanding his features. She tries as early as possible to feel and understand the individuality of her son and take into account his needs, and not attribute her own to him. She reads a lot of literature on education, but treats it critically, analyzing it and adapting the knowledge gained to the characteristics of her baby. Her system of requirements for the child is realistic, includes a minimum of prohibitions and a maximum of signs of respect and encouragement. Such a mother is familiar with the main psychological condition for proper upbringing — recognition of the autonomy and independence of the child from birth.
How should a mother behave if she is raising a boy without a father?
To raise a real man from a naughty boy, a certain masculine ideal is required, on the basis of which the child will build his behavior. Such an ideal in ordinary families can be a father, uncle, grandfather — in general, all those men next to whom your baby grows up. The more men around the child, the more flexible and diverse he will build his masculine behavior, relationships with other people, including women. If a child does not have a father, he will look for a model in other men, so you need to think about what kind of men surround him.
An impasse is created when single mothers raise sons without men in the family. Initially, such a family is built on the exclusive authority of a woman. The mother is forced to take on the role of the father, as a result of which the boy begins to perceive a woman as an unusually strong being who does not need protection, but, on the contrary, is able to solve any problems.
If the mother is prone to authoritarianism and dominance, then the masculine principle will be gradually suppressed in the boy — the desire to assert himself and be a leader. The fight against maternal dictate will turn into a denial for the boy, a fight against femininity in any of its manifestations. Imperceptibly, this turns into an internal battle with himself: everything that the growing man suspected of a non-male principle, he resolutely suppresses in himself. Any direct, sincere manifestation, even kindness to people, he considers as weakness, as a betrayal of one’s sex, and he considers gust and arrogance to be the main qualities of a “real man”. In those situations when a man is called upon to act as a defender of a woman, he feels his weakness and therefore shows disrespect for her. And when he has to prove himself as a stronghold of the family, he tries to hide under the “female shield”, demanding from his wife the strength and presence of mind that he used to see in his mother.
Many modern women complain: “There are no real men now, only weaklings!” Let’s think: where do weak men come from? The answer to this question may seem paradoxical to you. After all, we educate them ourselves! The fact is that everything in the world should be in balance. The stronger the women, the weaker the men. And strong men grow from weak mothers.
In order not to cross this line, it is necessary that the boy communicates more often with adult men, your relatives, friends. Heroes of books and films can also serve as ideals for him. But not the heroes of melodramas! Carefully select films in your home collection. You don’t want your son to be a ladies’ man, do you? Let it be knights, musketeers and other equally fair heroes who protect their ladies and fight injustice.
Even any boyish game can be turned into an educational situation. Here is the story of one of the authors of the article: at the age of four, the son, like any boy, loved to play war. I was alerted that he runs up and «shoots» at me or at the dog. My remarks that people and animals should not be shot did not lead to the desired result. The son continued to aim at us, but already secretly, from around the corner. It would be possible not to pay attention to it, but the psychological discomfort haunted me. After all, it turned out that the son sees an enemy in me, and this is already potential aggression. I thought about it, but then I made a decision, in my opinion, pedagogically correct. No, I did not punish my son, I did not swear. I, making frightened eyes, offered him to become my protector and guard, explaining that I did not know how to fight and shoot. And while doing household chores, I can not notice how the “villains” will attack me. I could not know how my son would accept my proposal, and therefore I was a little worried. But the result exceeded all expectations! The son, proud and pleased with himself, immediately felt strong. He began to follow me on my heels, copying the behavior of the heroes — the defenders of the weak. Moving from room to room, he said: «Mom, stop, I’ll go check.» And patiently stood at the door if I went to the bathroom or toilet.
We do not propose to follow my example exactly, we simply want to show that mother must never forget that she is a woman.
Unfortunately, our boys, almost from birth, experience all the options for pressure from women. In the first years of life, the boy spends more time with his mother or grandmother, who not only look after him, but also demand obedience. In kindergarten, boys must obey female teachers, who punish for fights and excessive activity, and encourage and praise for obedience and humility. There are so few men in the school that their influence on the boys is almost imperceptible. But there are more than enough authoritarian teachers who regularly humiliate and suppress boys. How can one grow up active, enterprising, confident and independent under such conditions, where can one learn to be strong and decisive?
Of course, we — mothers — are not always perfect, we break down, punish, scold our overly nimble boys. In cases where we are wrong, we should not be ashamed to appear weak. Ask for forgiveness for the gu.e.y tone, apologize, even if the son is still very small, explain your behavior, allow yourself to cry into his vest, ask for advice. And you will see that the boy will not be angry, but, on the contrary, will pity you. So he will learn to forgive, be frank and admit his mistakes too.
If you carefully observe adult men, you can easily distinguish those who were mainly raised by mothers.
Boys often grow up with single mothers to be more sensitive, gentle and even spoiled. The fact is that a child from birth absorbs everything that he perceives, and this happens unconsciously. Most often, children imitate the parent of their gender, imitate his behavior. Whose behavior will the boy copy if there is no father nearby? With a high degree of probability, we can assume that the maternal. Moreover, this is noticeable not only in meaningful manifestations, but also in manners, and even in the intonations of speech. This is explained by the fact that the boy sees only one standard of gender-role behavior. That is why it is so it is important that a boy raised by one mother communicates as much as possible with real men, receiving information about another standard of behavior — male.
Only through communication with other men will a boy master male forms of behavior, ways of solving problems, learn to express his opinion and evaluate events. Therefore, divorced mothers who do not allow the child to communicate with the father are wrong.
While the boy is small, his behavior may not differ much from that of the girl. However, already at preschool age, among peers, the child begins to demonstrate himself as a representative of a certain sex, realizing the sex-role stereotypes received in the family. And if the male stereotype of behavior has not been formed, then the boy can become the subject of ridicule, bullying and neglect. This can be a big trauma for a child. You have probably noticed more than once how cruel boys can be towards boys who cannot resist them, fight back or are prone to tears. The absence of a male example of behavior greatly complicates the introduction to the male subculture and can be a source of neurotic manifestations (enuresis, stuttering, fears, etc.).
The consequences of being brought up by one mother also affect later in life, especially in the son’s marital relationship. Statistics show that such men are less likely to marry, and if they marry, then their chosen one is often older.
This fact can also be explained: the son copies the parental family in his family, i.e., consisting of an adult woman and a younger man. Such a man often cannot become a full-fledged father to his own child, because in his soul he remains a son and is waiting for support and help.
But let’s not consider these situations as a tragedy, because many boys, raised by one mother, found their place in life and realized themselves as men.
How should a mother behave if she is raising her son alone?
First, the it is necessary to give the child the opportunity to communicate with men for a long time. It can be a grandfather, uncle, cousin, friend, coach. If you say that there are no decent men in your environment, then you will be wrong and show your subconscious unwillingness for your son to become a real man.
Second, the focus your son’s attention on the behavior of goodies in movies and books.
Third, Recognize your son’s right to an independent life. At the beginning of adolescence, release your son from you, learn to respect his interests and friends, give him more freedom. The sooner you give him the opportunity to make his own decisions (regardless of how thoughtful they are), the sooner he will learn to be responsible for his actions, primarily to himself.
Fourth, The «dose» of mother’s love for her son should be different at different ages. In adolescence and adolescence, excessive maternal love can become a brake on a boy’s social development. If you do not move your son a certain distance, he will not be able to establish his personal life and will rush between his girlfriend and mother. When a son is emotionally dependent on his mother, it can destroy his own family. And the adult son will remain infantile.
Fifth, don’t act like a father and a mother at the same time. Be a mother woman: weak, affectionate, loving, feminine. By doing this, you will teach your son to feel sorry for his mother, sympathize with her, support, help, i.e. acquire the qualities of a strong, confident man who knows how to make decisions, be responsible for himself and for others, support a woman and become her support.
What are mothers. Mom’s roles
In maternal work, as in any other, mistakes and joys, doubts and successes, defeats and victories are possible. Maternal love, worries and worries are a complex and multifaceted part of a woman’s life. All mothers are not alike, just as children are not alike. See →