Contents
A father can take care of children just as well as a mother. What then is its special role in the life of a child? Do parents need to share strictness and tenderness, authority and guardianship among themselves? Let’s try to figure it out.
Perhaps we are no longer surprised that men are present at childbirth, get up at night to a crying baby, change his diapers, bottle feed him, bathe him, and when the child grows up, tell him bedtime stories, check his lessons and go to the doctors with him.
The modern family is unlike the one in which we ourselves grew up, not to mention our parents and grandparents. The distribution of roles has become more flexible. Women are immersed in work no less, and sometimes more than men, but this is not the only reason why their husbands have become more actively involved in children.
Many modern fathers want not only to continue their family, but also to be closer to their children, to build trusting, emotional relationships with them.
It seems that it is time to reconsider the functions of mother and father, especially their role in the mental development of the child. Yes, a century ago, when the model of the patriarchal family was still unshakable, the founder of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, had every reason to clearly distinguish between maternal and paternal functions.
And today in psychoanalysis, the mother is identified with the union, it is she who is “responsible” for the child’s mental balance. The Father, on the other hand, embodies the law. Thanks to him, the child is separated from the mother and learns the rules of life in society, among other people.
But now, when many fathers are included in the care from the first days of a child’s life, and many mothers raise children alone (and therefore take on paternal functions), is the division of roles proposed by Freud fair? Does the father still have a special place?
Between ruler and friend
Of course, even now not all fathers are ready to leave the pedestal. An authoritarian father, as in the old days, gives orders, dictates his rules to the household, forbids and permits, never explaining his motives.
However, it is not easy for such fathers now – they are in conflict with our time. If only because a new concept of education has been established in society: it obliges parents to take into account the wishes of the child and respect his individuality.
“There are public organizations that are trying to defend traditional roles in the family: the father is the owner and breadwinner, the mother is the keeper of the hearth,” comments family psychotherapist Varvara Sidorova. “But their belligerent rhetoric suggests that what they are really trying to do is deny reality.”
Generational differences and accepting limits are fundamental concepts. They build the ability to respect others.
The other extreme: fathers are friends of their children, who communicate with them on an equal footing, as if ignoring the difference in generations. They are always ready to distract the child from lessons or washing dishes to have some fun. But education is not their concern.
If for traditionalist fathers the hierarchy in the family is the main thing, then for fathers-buddies it does not exist at all.
“Such a lack of distance does not benefit the child,” emphasizes psychoanalytic psychotherapist Svetlana Fedorova. – Adults and children are fundamentally unequal, and it is very important for a child to accept the restrictions associated with this.
Generational difference and accepting limits are fundamental to parenting. They build the ability to respect other people, recognize the differences between them and strive for something more. But if the father himself does not know personal boundaries, he cannot give an idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthem to the child.
Authoritarian fathers and buddy fathers have one thing in common: “They perceive the role of a father in a one-sided way,” says psychoanalyst Patrick Avran. “They don’t know how to be flexible, express themselves in different ways, combine different qualities – firmness, tenderness, humor, the ability to educate, convey values, play.”
When a father does not feel “in his place”, this affects the relationship in a couple. If a man behaves like a boss, a woman feels that he denies her role in the family, and she also has to protect the child from arbitrariness. If the husband does not remind about the rules, then the woman lives with the feeling that in her family there are only children who behave badly.
“Meanwhile, the child does not know which parent to rely on, whom to obey, which side to take in conflicts,” concludes Patrick Avran.
“I know too well how important a family is for a person”
“When Masha was born, I was already 42. To be honest, I did not experience euphoria. I was rather confused – I had to do something with this little creature, who in the early days needs a mother more than a father … I had a difficult childhood. My mother died early, my father (Leonid Leonidov – artist of the Leningrad Comedy Theater. – Ed.) was left alone with me.
Then a woman appeared in our house, with whom I did not have a relationship at all. For a while I lived in a boarding school, then with my father. He either took me to the theater with him, then some aunts looked after me, then I was on my own. Wild child. And only when I was eleven did my father marry a woman who could replace my mother.
Therefore, I know too well how important a family is for a person. Now Masha is ten, Lena is six. I try to give them as much warmth as possible. I enjoy watching them play. I will gladly take a break from business if they have something important for me.
Now I am teaching Lenka to swim… In general, we live without whims and tantrums. I can’t say that we are somehow particularly engaged in education, everything happens by itself. Harmony and love in the family is the best education. Recorded by Elena Gubaidullina
Role confusion
How can a father take his rightful place in the house without turning into either a tyrant or a scammer? After all, in any case, the fathers are complained: they are too intrusive or too distant, too powerful or too weak, immature or inert. They are constantly required to live up to the lofty ideal of a father—hero, protector, and savior.
Every man is forced to compare himself with this unattainable ideal and inevitably experience disappointment. Despite this, today we see “new fathers” who are trying, if not to be perfect, then at least to avoid extremes.
The media and the film industry both promote and ridicule the “new fatherhood” at the same time, and this is natural: any new trend in culture is perceived by public opinion ambiguously until it is finally established.
In Western countries, it is no longer surprising when fathers take parental leave. One of the leaders in this sense is Sweden, where there are 90%* of such fathers. In Russia, “maternity leave” for men is still rare, but this may be the only indicator by which our “new fathers” are far behind Western ones. What distinguishes the “new fathers”?
The point is not only that now they are included in the care of the child, as soon as he was born.
“Fathers today are not afraid to show warm feelings, to be softer, gentle, affectionate,” says Svetlana Fedorova. – After all, in every man there is not only a male, but also a female part of the personality, an inner child lives in each. And with whom, if not with children, can you relax and allow yourself to be yourself?
In addition, more and more often, the main instrument of father’s upbringing is not an order, but a contract. But this leads to the fact that in a certain sense the roles of father and mother are blurred.
“Increasingly, parents share authority and emotions among themselves,” states the family therapist. – Not only the father takes care of the child, but the mother also sets the rules and boundaries. If earlier the issues of children’s life outside the home were mainly decided by the father, now the mother can also decide them in the same way.
Equal but different
It turns out that we have moved from a sharp delineation of roles to their complete confusion? So what, in our days, the father can completely replace the mother (as well as the mother of the father)? Has the idea of equality taken us too far?
“Do not confuse the social roles of mother and father and their symbolic functions,” warns Svetlana Fedorova.
A man and a woman are really equal when it comes to their place in society, they are equally capable of doing the same work, including caring for a child, caring for and educating him. Another thing is the symbolic meaning of “male” and “female” in the child’s unconscious. Here distinction is necessary – the formation of the child’s identity and his mental health depend on this.
The father helps the child accept the limitations that need to be learned on the path of growing up
In this sense, the father is as indispensable as before.
“In the first months of life, the child is inextricably linked with the mother. And often the mother is tempted to keep this symbiosis,” says Svetlana Fedorova. – But the baby is growing, and he needs to have a free, non-symbiotic mental space for development. Therefore, the figure of the third, the father, is so important. He stands between mother and child and thus creates this space for development for the child.”
Breaking the mother-child dyad, the father establishes a ban on incest – a fundamental law for humanity, which is forever imprinted in the child’s unconscious. He learns that not all of his desires can be satisfied, in particular – the desire to return to the mother’s womb. Thus, the father becomes a symbol of prohibition for the child.
The father in general, according to the psychoanalytic concept, helps the child to accept the limitations that need to be learned on the way to growing up: the rejection of the mother’s breast in favor of a varied diet, the rejection of the mother’s hands in favor of independent walking, the rejection of the family hearth in favor of kindergarten, school and, more broadly , life in society.
In other words, it helps the child to become an independent person who can live among other people.
Stay a man
How can the “new fathers” not turn into a second mother, preserve their paternal role, which is so important for upbringing? Is it compatible with gentleness, kindness, tenderness, caring?
Our experts are sure that the question is not what we do, but how we perceive ourselves and our partner.
“The main thing is that the confusion of roles should not be in the head of the parents,” Varvara Sidorova warns. “Because the child adopts their view of things.”
The child needs to grow up in an atmosphere of mutual respect of parents when they support each other.
“After all, if the father believes that he is coping with the child better than the mother and can even replace her, he thereby devalues the mother,” emphasizes Svetlana Fedorova. “And vice versa, if a mother says: “The father is good for nothing, I can raise a child without him,” she devalues the father.”
In short, the path to fatherhood is the path to maturity. And he is always unique.
“Each father will have to find his own way, organic only for him, in order to prove himself the way he is,” says Svetlana Fedorova. “Seek, overcoming internal barriers, conflicts and fears.”
Fathers will have to accept that their role is constantly changing. That they will always be imperfect, but that is what will help them find their way. That the traditional model of the family no longer works, and to succeed on all fronts – in education, in work, in society – is in any case not an easy task. That they have age crises ahead and a sense of guilt that can complicate their relationship with children. But that children are ready to forgive them a lot and put up with a lot, if only the father remains a father.
Why are fathers important?
The father is the head of the family, a role model, a source of prohibitions… But that’s not all: 6 scientific discoveries are changing the usual view of parenthood**.
- Paternal and maternal genes manifest themselves differently in the embryo. Maternal limit the nutrition of the child in the womb, protecting the mother. Paternal, on the contrary, require extracting maximum nutrients and energy from the mother’s body, even to the detriment of her health.
- When there is a man next to a woman during pregnancy, children are less likely to be born prematurely.
- Children of fathers with severe postpartum depression are 8 times more likely than other children to have behavioral problems and almost 40 times more likely to have communication problems.
- If fathers pay little attention to their children, they are more likely to exhibit aggressive behavior in the future.
- In the development of speech, fathers play a more important role than mothers. By spending less time with their children than mothers, fathers use more different words and thus enrich the child’s vocabulary.
- Girls who grow up without a father reach puberty earlier and are more likely to become pregnant during adolescence. One hypothesis claims that the daughter’s unconscious perceives the absence of her father as a signal: men do not stay with women for a long time, so she needs to quickly find partners.
* «Why Swedish men take so much paternity leave». The Economist, 2014 July 22.
** More about these studies in P. Raeburn’s book Do Fathers Matter? (P. Raeburn “Do Fathers Matter?”, Scientific American / Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2014).