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Every day we look in the mirror and evaluate our appearance. We communicate with partners and colleagues and find fault with our own words. We criticize, praise, devalue and often do not understand where this or that opinion comes from. Let’s look into this matter!
From a Jungian point of view, it’s about the complexes that we all have. The main ones are paternal and maternal. When we cannot see ourselves objectively and fall under the influence of our parents’ attitudes, we speak of being captured by the complex. At such moments, we can say that we regress into childhood.
The mother complex, or why people choose codependent relationships
A personality complex is a defense system that we develop after an emotional trauma. Most often for children. It is a set of ideas, attitudes, expectations, behaviors and accompanying feelings that we subconsciously hope will prevent a similar catastrophe in the future.
Even as children, we all consider mother a semi-mythical creature. She manages to do five things at the same time, always looks good and knows the answers to all questions. The stronger our feelings for the mother, the more developed the maternal complex and the more often we will look at our own actions through her eyes.
The second situation in which a strong mother complex develops occurs when the mother does not show enough love and care, criticizes, compares with others, resulting in trauma.
Jung divided the mother complex into positive and negative
And both of them are formed not only through contact with the mother herself, but also through communication with other women: for example, grandmothers or sisters.
The negative maternal complex is expressed in the feeling of inferiority. Such people get used to evaluate their actions critically, in every possible way avoiding praise. Someone in this way reaches career heights, but does not appropriate them for himself, while someone, on the contrary, is fixed on failures, and not on victories. If a mother does not give children a sense of self-worth, they grow up with just such an attitude towards themselves.
According to Jung, the extreme manifestation of this complex happens when a woman is ready for anything, just not to become like her mother. Relations with men are built on the principle of sacrifice: it is these women who often fall into love triangles, because they are unconsciously sure that a different format of relationships is not for them.
Captured by a negative maternal complex, people often do not know how to rest, to stop on the path of achievements. Their whole life is a desire to seek the approval of others. Ideally, of course, mothers.
In turn, a person with a positive maternal complex evaluates himself too idealized. He knows how to enjoy his body, food, rest, money, life. The feeling of love and security received in childhood from the mother forms self-worth. Even if something does not work out, such people are more likely to look at themselves not as the perpetrators of failure, but as a victim of circumstances. At the same time, such people often behave infantile and pay too much attention to the figure of the mother. Men, for example, do not get married for a long time and do not enter into relationships, because in all women they are looking for that very unattainable ideal of a mother.
I remember the hero of the Soviet comedy «The Irony of Fate, or Enjoy Your Bath!» Zhenya Lukashin. Jung wrote about it this way: “To become a conscious, adult man, a man must struggle with his mother complex with all his might, realizing that this struggle takes place inside. Otherwise, he will definitely project it onto relationships with women, either subordinating himself to their desires, or trying to dominate them.
The father complex, or where super-demands come from
Men and women who look at themselves through the eyes of their mother do it in much the same way. Some mom gave a basic sense of security, others — no. Meanwhile, being captured by the father complex manifests itself differently depending on gender.
If the father praises the child, is proud of him, is engaged in his development, then the baby develops a positive paternal complex
These children grow up successful, self-confident and evaluate their actions through the eyes of a loving father.
According to Jung, in men, a positive father complex often creates a certain trust in relation to authority: he is successful both in work and in society, because the presence of a hierarchy and rules means security for him. Such men become great friends, they know how to lead and inspire.
Women with a positive father complex idealize their father and men in general. They often choose jobs and relationships in which a strong «daddy» will decide for them. And such a woman also evaluates herself through the eyes of men. If they give compliments, it means that everything is in order with the appearance. As soon as there is no male admiration, she endlessly looks for flaws in herself.
Both children and adults identify with the adult with whom they see sexual intercourse. Girls often see themselves through their mother’s eyes, while boys see themselves through their father’s eyes. Therefore, the formed negative father complex is more difficult for men to experience. If the father showed no interest in his son or was too demanding, he will constantly seek the attention and praise of his father. A father can mean any male figure: a teacher, a coach, a boss. Such men evaluate their actions demandingly and even cruelly, punishing themselves for failures and devaluing achievements.
How to achieve objectivity?
The task of any adult is to get out of the control of the complex and learn to look at himself with his own eyes.
The first thing to do is to choose between your own life and the theoretical recognition of an important parent. What will your life be like if your mom praises you for another career achievement? Will something change? More likely no than yes.
The second is to learn to trust and build relationships with others. Injuries received in contact with another are treated by the same contact. Women need the image of a loving female figure, which can be an adult friend. A woman can help a man: the attitudes of the father will gradually lose importance if the man shows his masculinity in the relationship.
All this requires emotional effort and time, but once you learn to look at yourself with your own eyes, you will no longer be able to tear yourself away from the reflection.