In 1998, the whole world learned about the sexual affair of US President Bill Clinton with twenty-two-year-old intern Monica Lewinsky. Now, 17 years later, Monica Lewinsky talks about the feelings she went through and what public shame has taught her.
“When I was 22, I fell in love with my boss. And at the age of 24, I faced the nightmarish consequences of this love. Perhaps something similar has happened to some of you. Unless your boss was probably not the president of the country. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about this mistake, and I deeply regret that I made it. In 1998, I found myself in an incredible maelstrom of political, legal and media battles. In one evening, from a private person, I became the object of everyone’s attention. I have been embarrassed to the whole world. I was actually the first to experience such a massive loss of reputation almost in the blink of an eye. And I would like to share my experience with you, to talk about how this experience has helped me see the world in a new light, and I hope it will help others cope with their own problems.
Monica Lewinsky is a social activist and a former participant in a high-profile public and political scandal that arose over her sexual relationship with US President Bill Clinton in 1998, when she was an intern at the White House. Recorded telephone conversations in which Lewinsky confessed her relationship with Clinton got into the press and became the reason for a public investigation. Lewinsky had to give humiliating testimony in which she described in detail her relationship with the president (down to exactly what kind of sex they practiced). In a short time, she became one of the most talked about women in the world, her name became a household name, and her image was ridiculed in humorous programs, the press and cinema. Due to the humiliation she experienced, Monica Lewinsky did not appear in public for a long time and experienced serious psychological difficulties.
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So, an unprecedented wave of attention and condemnation fell upon me. Thank God, there were no social networks then, but people could share the details of the story by e-mail, discuss them on forums. The news media were filled with my photos to increase sales and keep people’s attention. Recordings of my telephone conversations were broadcast on television, and some important pieces were available online. Life has become almost unbearable. When it happened to me, there was no word yet to describe it. Today we call it bullying. Now, 12 years later, social media has emerged. Stories like mine are no longer rare. Whether they are true or not, the stories of our mistakes end up in front of the eyes of both our friends and a host of complete strangers. And the consequences for some are very bitter.
Life has become almost unbearable. When it happened to me, there was no word yet to describe it. Today we call it bullying.
In September 2010, I was on the phone with my mother. We discussed the news about one of my classmates, Tyler Clementi – a sweet, charming and creative girl. Her roommate secretly recorded a video of her in a moment of intimacy with a man. When the video hit the internet, the flames of cyberbullying flared up. A few days later, Tyler died after jumping off the George Washington Bridge. She was 18 years old. My mom was shocked by what happened to Tyler and her family. At first I did not understand why her reaction was so sharp, but then I realized that it reminded her of 1998, the time when she sat next to me every evening when she made me take a shower with the door open, afraid that I would not survive humiliation – literally.
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Too many parents today do not have the opportunity to save their loved ones. Too many people find out that their child is suffering from humiliation when it’s too late. Tyler’s tragedy, her senseless death was a turning point for me. I rethought my impressions in a new way and began to look differently at the scandals around me. In 1998, we didn’t know where this amazing new technology called the Internet would take us. Since then, she has come up with incredible ways to connect people with each other, helped separated families reunite, saved thousands of lives, launched revolutions. But along with this, the Internet has created a breeding ground for humiliation, bullying and other dirt. Every day on the Web, people – and especially young people who have not yet developed resistance to such things – are faced with insults and humiliation, because of which every day they live turns into torture.
Virtual violence leads to real suffering. In 2012-2013, the number of calls to the ChildLine child support service related to cyberbullying increased by 87%. A data analysis in the Netherlands found that online bullying-related suicides outnumbered live-bullying suicides for the first time. Cruelty is not a new phenomenon. But in the Internet space, the effect of ridicule intensifies, gets out of control and leaves you vulnerable at any moment. Millions of people, often anonymously, can hurt you with their words, and you will be very hurt. And how many people will witness your humiliation? The price of public shame is different for everyone, but the development of the Internet makes this price much higher.
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- Find an antidote to shame
For two decades now, we have been sowing seeds of shame and humiliation in the soil of our culture, both in the real and in the virtual world. Rumor and gossip sites, paparazzi, reality shows, politics, news leaks, and hackers all feed on shame. As a result, the online space has become a sphere of insensitivity and permissiveness, where trolling, violation of personal boundaries and cyberbullying flourish. This shift has given rise to what culturologist Nicolaus Mills calls “humiliation culture.” Here are just a few cases in the past six months. The Snapchat app, which is mostly used by young people, allows you to exchange messages that only last a few seconds. You can imagine the amount of content that goes through it. And recently, the program that Snapchat used to store messages for a short time was hacked, and 100 personal letters, photos and videos were available to everyone. And here is another example. Jennifer Lawrence and other stars’ iCloud accounts have also been hacked, and their private, intimate photos, often in the nude, leaked online against their will. One of the sites that hosted the photo archive received about 5 million views.
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But in a culture of humiliation, there is another kind of cost. It is measured by the profit of those who profit from the humiliation of others. For them, someone else’s shame is just a raw material that can be prudently and fearlessly obtained, packaged and sold. Public shame spawned an entire industry, became a bargaining chip. The more humiliation, the more clicks. The more clicks, the more advertising money. We are in a vicious circle. With each click on a link with another portion of “dirty laundry” we become more and more indifferent to the lives of the people it affects. And the less we are touched by other people’s feelings, the more we click. Every click is a choice. The more we feed this culture of humiliation, the more this situation becomes familiar and acceptable, and the more likely we will continue to experience bullying, trolling, hacking and online aggression.
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Behavioral change begins with a change in attitude. We have seen that this is the case with racism, homophobia and many other prejudices of the past and present. Therefore, as the development of a culture of humiliation in our society gains momentum, we need a resistance movement. We need a cultural revolution. Public humiliation is like a blood sport that needs to be done away with. Change starts with simple steps, but it is not easy to decide on them. We must return to the time-tested value of empathy, empathy, empathy. In online communication, we lack empathy. The crisis of empathy creates an atmosphere of insensitivity.
Psychologist Brené Brown says that the antidote to shame is empathy (1). I have had some really dark days in my life, and always the sympathy and support from my family, friends, colleagues, and sometimes even strangers saved me. Even support from one person can change your state. Minority influence theory, proposed by social psychologist Serge Moscovici, says that even when we are few, but we are firm and persistent, we can change the situation in our favor (2). In the online universe, we can spread the influence of a minority by opposing a trend rather than being a passive participant in it. We can, for example, leave a positive and encouraging comment to someone who is being bullied, or report it to the site administration. Trust me, sympathetic comments can soften the flow of negativity.
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We talk a lot about our right to freedom of speech, but we need to talk more about the responsibility for our speech. We need to keep empathy in mind whenever we communicate with someone, read the news, or simply click on a link. Just try to understand what feelings are hidden behind someone’s status or post on a social network. And the last. Show empathy for yourself first. We all make mistakes, but we can deal with them. I know it’s hard. This process will not be painless, quick and easy, but each of us can ensure that his story has a happy ending.
1. Brene Brown, American psychologist, author of It’s All Because of Me (But It’s Not). The truth about perfectionism, imperfection and the power of vulnerability” (Azbuka Business, 2014).
2. Serge Moscovici – French social psychologist, researcher in the psychology of mass behavior, author of the book “The Age of Crowds. Historical treatise on the psychology of the masses ”(Academic prospectus, 2011).