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Wealth is not always included in the circle of family values. How do beliefs learned in childhood affect our well-being? The family psychologist reflects on this in his column.
My paternal great-grandfather was rich, he was engaged in medicine and he had his own pharmacy. And he ended his life in a communal apartment, where people whom he had seen only from afar became his neighbors. I did not know my grandfather, he died in 1946 from starvation. About his wife, my grandmother, neighbors said that she walks “like a queen” – I was a little girl then and did not understand what that meant. There are people who can walk with a straight back along the dark corridors of a communal apartment. They maintain a royal posture whether they have money or not. And there are those who behave like a beggar, even when they are rich. Perhaps it is a matter of childhood, and one who grew up in an environment of extreme need forever retains its imprint.
Pass the tests
- How do you spend money?
- What does money mean to you?
We are influenced by family beliefs
The beliefs we learn about money as children govern our lives. It is hard not to notice that money is reciprocated for someone, but someone is not loved, bypassed or flowing between fingers. To unravel the secret, let’s start simple. Let’s remember what our educators said about money, what were the sayings in the family. For instance:
- we never borrow
- we do not lend – let them earn money themselves, you will not wait for gratitude,
- we are poor, but honest and proud (unlike the rich, because “you can’t make a stone choir with the labors of the righteous”),
- money loves an account
- there should always be a reserve for a rainy day.
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- Psychotherapy of family systems: drawing of fate
Confessing your love for money is indecent. At least that’s how it is in our culture. And if you decide to confess, then almost always with excuses and clarifications in the spirit of “Happiness is not in money.” Certainly,
- money is just an opportunity not to think about them,
- money is a recognition of our competence,
- money – aesthetic and cultural possibilities,
- money – status, health, decent communication, secure old age.
And much more. All right. But money is just money. The consciousness that they belong to you, completely irrespective of all these reasons, warms the soul, straightens the back, liberates in any situation, raises in one’s own eyes. It’s better to admit it if you want changes.
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- Superiority…inferiority?
Attitude towards money is changing
When Soviet power staggered, sayings like “If you are so smart, why are you so poor” appeared – these were the first signs of major socio-political changes. The generation of those years received a clear message that from now on, the assessment of the significance of their lives and even their inner world will be money. “These are such cruel and cynical times.”
Or maybe we always loved money, but were afraid to admit it, and money loves to reciprocate those who are used to respecting it, and not being given to the first person they meet.
Of course, in the past, a set was considered wealth: a fur hat, a carpet, crystal, a “grundik” receiver and a familiar butcher. But the feeling of status, confidence from this was no less than now from big business, and the loss of status was heavy, it seemed the height of injustice.
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- How values change with age
When places on the social ladder moved from dental technicians, union workers, PhDs and salespeople to managers and businessmen, it was a shock. Still not experienced. It’s not about the amount of money, it’s about the loss of status and even face. And most importantly, in the loss of reference points. Other personal qualities were required, the whole past depreciated and collapsed. We are not talking about spiritual values now – the rules of the game have changed. But how much there was talk about the loss of spirituality!
I had a friend who, passing by expensive shops and restaurants, liked to repeat that all this was available to him. He was mistaken, life turned out to be so short that he did not have time to buy anything, but probably managed to enjoy the consciousness of possibilities. This sad story happened in the early 90s, after the general Russian equality in poverty.
Read more:
- Why do we hesitate to spend money (and time) on ourselves?
women and money
Russian women prefer to fill their closets with cheap clothes (often with sparkles and out of age) and bypass boutiques, economists have repeatedly reported this. The crisis did not change the thirst for cheap purchases, but reduced the demand for durable goods. This is a compensatory reaction that comes to shopping addiction. At the same time, many find it difficult to afford to go to an expensive restaurant or an expensive store. The question of the seller or the waiter “How can I help?” still makes them blush.
Once, at a training session, my colleague and I asked the participants to imagine an expensive store, in the hands of donated money in any amount. The task is to buy everything that you want as a gift.
Our participants walked for a long time along the “shopping malls” and ended up buying flowers or small things. So the widespread opinion about the commercialism of women was not confirmed. They value restaurant invitations and flowers more than expensive, practical gifts.
They want to afford too much. It is much more difficult to do without the superfluous than without the daily routine, the necessary.
Read more:
- Buyer’s Paradox
Fear of running out of money
Everyone copes in their own way with the fear of poverty, which is so difficult to admit. Among my clients there are virtuosos of consumption of free services, banquets, concerts, exhibitions, training. They turned it into a game, a fun game. It reassures them and gives them confidence. It turns out that in Moscow you can find everything. For a long time, children’s things have been going around in circles, some have ceased to be shy about exchanging things for adults.
Some have learned to use the “I really didn’t want to” mindset. Sometimes it helps, but it can slowly deprive activity, lower self-esteem. Still, the formula “I deserve it”, it must be admitted, is not only a good marketing ploy, but also a successful meditation.
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- We can understand our fears
How to make money love us?
- Do not be afraid to enter the circle that you think is worthy, interesting, desirable in terms of status. (By the way, only there they will appreciate if this is your circle.)
- Try to be yourself everywhere, do not play other people’s roles. Look for what you have that you can be of interest to others.
- Get sincere pleasure from communication, do not envy and do not lie, do not try to agree on everything. It’s boring and noticeable.
- Know how to make fun of yourself, getting into an awkward position, a sense of humor helps out in any situation, it is appreciated everywhere.
- Work on self-esteem, learn how to communicate freely, and even better – know how to listen.
- Do not complain about poverty and do not beg. As Woland rightly said, they will offer it themselves.
- Learn to handle money. While they are gone, confess to them your respect in order to get reciprocity.
- Analyze what attitudes were in the family about money, how they changed you, how you changed them and want to change. Track down the reasons for your limitations.
- Follow the stereotypes of thinking and behavior in situations related to money. Try to understand the connection between your own material well-being and your attitude to money.
- Don’t be afraid to set big goals for yourself and repeat “I deserve it.”