Money as an indicator of relationships in a couple

Psychologies: Why is it difficult for even strong couples to talk about money?

Marik Khazin: The question is not as simple as it seems. The topic of money is more taboo than sex. Whoever has money has control, strength and power. Whoever has a lot of money is valued more, and he commands the parade. Therefore, a dispute about finances is actually a dispute about power. Any kind of relationship in a pair (democratic, authoritarian or liberal) will also appear in the topic of money. If there is only one earner and all the information about the state of the balance is only with him, he also has the reins of government, and he is unlikely to want to give them away. Any attempt by a potential competitor to obtain information will cause an uproar.

Let’s say we are husband and wife, I have all the money, and you say: “Together we invest in our family 24 hours a day. Why should I ask you for money for a skirt or a cafe with my girlfriends?

I will do my best to avoid this topic: I suddenly need to urgently call somewhere, there are more important things to do, or I will offer to talk later, because I am tired – “I just got back from work.” A familiar situation, isn’t it? But “later” will never happen.

Nobody wants to share power. If you have the money, you will do the same, as long as you do not discuss the financial issue honestly and openly. This is how it works, alas, for most couples. In many families, partners make stash, lie, invent any kind of fable and hide income and expenses in every possible way, downplaying or exaggerating them.

But shouldn’t there be any secrets from each other at all? If a man knows everything about us, we will become uninteresting to him …

As a rule, couples who avoid open conversations about money avoid more important topics: intimacy, confidence in a partner, and true feelings. Such partners have a lot of “stash” and secrets from each other in a variety of areas, including sexual. Often there is little honesty and openness in their lives, and manipulation replaces open dialogue. How many chances does such a couple have for a deep, frank dialogue and an interesting life together?

Men and women come to my trainings who start a conversation with financial claims, and through money they go on to other topics – love, trust, or rather lack of it, a common vision of life, raising children, relationships with parents …

It suddenly turns out that they do not enjoy sex. Working with the topic of money, they can sometimes discover deeper problems. As soon as a couple begins to openly discuss money matters, many other things in life immediately improve. After my “Money” training, the results in sex are more frequent than after the “Sexuality” training. And vice versa – after the training “Money” many find suitable sexual partners …

Are there any good examples? Is everything so hopeless?

There are couples who are completely different. My wife and I, for example, keep a joint account, to which the cards of both are linked, and plan the budget together.

With such an arrangement, when there is mutual trust, there is no need for stash and hidden bank accounts are excluded. This can be achieved only by becoming open to each other. But this is not an easy task, perhaps the most significant one – to jointly invest and build trust in each other, step by step delicately building an atmosphere of security in the house. In such an environment, children grow up mentally stable and healthy. In the future, they have every chance to create an open relationship filled with love and trust, following the model of parents who, without words, showed this example to them.

YOU HAVE GOODS – WE HAVE A MERCHANT

In Russia, a woman often gives up the reins herself: “I’m a girl and I just want a dress.” For some, this is a tribute to tradition: a man hunts a mammoth, and a woman waits at home and keeps the hearth. Now, however, such relationships have transformed into an agreement “I earn money – you take care of your beauty.” But if the couple is happy with everything, what’s wrong with that?

Many men and women develop commodity-money relations. Everything just wraps up in bright and distracting wrappers: “We are a beautiful couple”, “We have a strong and successful family”, “I have such a generous man” – so you won’t guess that one partner buys sex and time from another, and a smile, and housework, and care. Osho once said that marital relations are a kind of prostitution, only long-term. Many men in Russia pay money for love. But this is not a true relationship, but a deal. He brought the prey – she pays. What if she doesn’t want to? Marital duty!

It’s amazing how a wonderful sex session was dressed in a modal form – it is necessary, must, must. Who needs it? Duty in bed is a guarantee of impotence in him and frigidity in her. She is a cold fish, he is a flat tire.

In such pairs, everyone’s contribution, debit and credit are constantly weighed and compared. How much did you bring home? How much of this did I spend on myself? Brought a little – there will be no sex today. Even in tandem, where formally a man manages money, a woman can control him. “Oh, this dress is old (bought two weeks ago), I need a new one.” And try not to buy it. Relationships come down to overt and covert manipulation of everything. Money (and its equivalents – gifts, salaries, bonuses) is manipulated not only at home, but also at work. This is the most popular and “advanced” tool for controlling others.

The location is bought, live communication is replaced by a cash equivalent. I forgot about my mother-in-law’s birthday, didn’t give a bouquet – get a scandal from my wife and a week of “loud” silence (“You wear flowers to your mother not only for her birthday!”). He stayed late at work (in the garage, with friends at the bar) and did not play with the child – he returned home only through a children’s toy store and a jewelry store (or at least a flower shop). Paying off is cheaper than talking.

Gadgets especially help in this matter: at dinner, everyone buried their heads in their smartphones – and there is no need to talk about feelings. Or he slipped a tablet to his daughter – and you are free, you don’t have to play with her, talk, show emotions, help with homework and solve her childhood problems. So the child learns the lesson of isolation and will carry this banner further down the stage.

And if the wife asks, but the husband does not give money … She is offended! But in no case “does not show”, so much so that everyone in the city knows that she is offended by him. Will not cook food for him until he asks ten times. Or put the plate on the table so “quietly” that the neighbors will wake up. Or maybe he will cook, but will not sit down with him (“I’m not hungry”), but as soon as he finishes eating, he defiantly covers himself. Even more convincing is expressive silence all evening.

We do not communicate by text, but by subtext. Text is just the tip of the iceberg.

If such a relationship lasts for years, then maybe you should not stir up the hive? Will things just get worse?

It will be worse if you do not stir. And how could it be worse? There is nothing to loose! And to sit to death with a broken trough … well, it’s a personal matter! Few people dare to cut this Gordian knot and turn to a specialist to work on relationships. Most couples live like this for years, and then they are perplexed that they do not have common interests, talk, that they relax separately and often solve problems that inevitably manifest themselves in such a couple, through alcohol abuse, drugs or through illness.

Partners come to trainings and to a psychotherapist when it’s “locked in”, when the situation is critical and you need to save yourself, your health, and, which is rare, but, fortunately, happens – your family. There is no longer a family as such – there is its appearance, a ghost!

Often I hear from clients: “I think I’m on the verge, a little more and I’ll die.” But you can not bring to this, if you are in open contact with each other, honestly and frankly talk about your feelings.

DEFICIENCY COMPLEX AND DEFICIENT THINKING

Not always both in a pair are ready to go to a specialist. Moreover, a partner who has begun working with a psychotherapist often encounters resistance from the other. In addition, the services of a psychologist are not cheap. One partner, working on himself, can change the situation in a couple?

At trainings, I often come across the fact that people do not value themselves. And my task is to teach them to love themselves, talk about their merits, advantages, and not devalue their own actions and themselves as a person as a whole. Such a person will be resistant to manipulation. Self-perception of oneself as a worthy person affects all spheres. But financial first.

And how does a person’s relationship with money manifest itself in other areas of his life?

More than 36 thousand people from different countries have passed through my hands in 100 years of work as a trainer and psychologist. Many people live in the “I don’t deserve an expensive car or a big house” paradigm, even if they have money. People are not accustomed to declaring their merits, so they are more accustomed to criticizing themselves and others than expressing recognition and giving positive feedback. And when we begin to find out where this belief “I am not worthy” comes from, it turns out that this was accepted in the environment, in the family, that in the history of the clan there were cases of dispossession or theft of wealth out of envy. Such people think scarcely. They are deficient in emotions, in bed, in wasting time, money and attention on themselves and loved ones.

Do you want to know how your new acquaintance will be in bed and in a relationship? Watch him shop. Buying up at a restaurant? Most likely, it will be “stingy” in sex, not giving passion and pleasure.

There is another extreme: to show your wealth on every corner. As a rule, an inferiority complex makes drawing attention to the external signs of the success of men. Knowing this, women can easily manipulate them. A couple came to one of my trainings. He was a rich man, and in order to prove to himself that he was a man, he had to constantly demonstrate his financial capabilities and prove his worth to her.

What is she? “You drive a Mercedes, and I need a Jaguar,” she said. He went and bought her a Jaguar on credit. This was the foundation of their relationship. He completed the kitchen for 300 dollars (in Russia!) What can be done in the kitchen with this money and, most importantly, why? Unfortunately, he did not want to realize that he was being manipulated.

In the end, he lost everything. Once without money, he ceased to be needed by her, she kicked him out. When he came to me for the second time, he worked as a taxi driver. I wasn’t surprised. Now he has corrected his position, but not to the starting positions. Why did it happen? He created a scenario according to which he bought a partner: her smile, her body, the fact that she was sitting at the same table with him. She was there for the money. Only he didn’t realize it. Or rather, didn’t want to realize.

PRODUCER OR INTERVIEWER?

There is a saying: happiness is not in money, but in their quantity. This, of course, is a joke, but how does money and its amount affect the choice of a partner?

There is a stereotype: women choose the rich. It is really important for a woman to have a provider next to her. But not all ladies need palaces and castles. For most women, it is enough that she has enough money to not feel anxious, so that she and her children are fed, clothed, have the opportunity to develop, and can get an education. It is not enough for her to simply carry and give birth to a child, it is important for her to understand that his and her basic needs will be satisfied. That is why many women pay attention to how a man relates to money. For her, this is an indicator of how she and her offspring will be provided. If a man is a spender, do not think that he will improve after the wedding. Everything will only get worse.

For some women, muscle appears to be the breadwinner. But, alas, this does not always correspond to the “internal content” of a strong body. Strong and muscular does not mean a financially reliable person.

Many women, in addition to financial stability, need a friend with whom they could talk. Men don’t always understand this. If they want to win over a modern woman, they will have to learn how to talk, and not silently fill up a companion with expensive gifts. Here is a typical dialogue between a man and a woman.

– How are you?

– Bought a drill.

– What are you dreaming about?

— Buy ​​another drill.

A man who has a sense of humor, knows how to dance and talk, is unlikely to have problems finding a life mate, even if he is not a financial magnate. A modern earner must be creative, able to listen and respond in detail. There is such an Odessa anecdote about sex with two: “Why does Sarah need two men? When the first one falls asleep, it will be possible to talk to the other.” And it is true. A woman needs a partner-interlocutor.

With a sweet paradise and in a hut? But this is the other extreme.

Yes, I agree. Women do not like the poor and mean. For them, it is important to be able to dress beautifully (not necessarily expensive, but beautifully), buy cosmetics and like your man. In general, a woman wants to please others, look young, healthy and attractive. And that’s okay.

Men who do not understand this have a lot of conflicts with their partners. I had a friend who was sure that money should not be spent. That is, you don’t need it at all – neither for yourself, nor for your wife. At the same time, he was 38 years old, she was 18. She had one dress, one trousers. He complained that she always wanted to buy something for herself. I told him that she wanted to please him, and he replied that he liked her anyway. Guess what happened in the end? She left him, far away, to another country, and she did the right thing. But he remained “right”, true to his ideals – and alone.

Men, as a rule, are undemanding in clothes. The vast majority of them have a minimal set of suits, shirts, boots (except, perhaps, representatives of creative professions). The men are polygamous. A smart woman knows that she needs to change her appearance more often, buy underwear, because in the eyes of a man this makes her a different woman. And this requires money. And a woman is just calmer when her man does not change. Changed – alarm: why, for whom?

How to avoid such hidden and obvious conflicts in a couple?

Communicate. We communicate always and everywhere, but we do not use money everywhere. I go outside and it doesn’t cost me a dime. I build relationships with everything around – with the field, the trees, the river. With myself. With people. We swagger and believe that if we have the most expensive car and suit, then we will communicate well and people will be drawn to us. But it’s not.

What am I without a suit, car and wallet? Can I talk without money – without this intermediary hiding my true “I” and needs? How attentive to the needs of a partner?

It’s worth thinking about. If we really communicate, especially at the very beginning of our acquaintance, we will avoid further disappointments and unjustified expectations.