Attentive, possessive and protective, the mother hen watches over and overprotects her child at the risk of sometimes damaging his self-confidence and generating unfounded anxieties in him. What are the risks of such excessive protection for the child and what to do to allay his maternal fears and let go of the ballast?

The expression comes from the 19th century and refers to a hen which broods for a long time on its young, prevents them from moving away and does not hesitate to attack those who approach it. Nowadays, this expression is used to designate a possessive, overprotective and particularly worried mother. Whether her child goes to school on foot or goes to school, the mother hen is never at ease. As a rule, as the child grows, most mothers manage to trust the child’s abilities and grant him the necessary autonomy. In mother hens, the reverse is true: the more the child grows, the more the fear increases. This attitude is not only painful for the child on a daily basis but also for the mother herself because she constantly lives in fear. Each separation can be experienced as anguish.

Self-feed your fears

Very observant, on the lookout for the slightest drama conveyed by the media, the mother hen will often be tempted to feed her own anxieties, as if to prove to herself that she is right to worry. Each new news item will strengthen its belief in the dangers of the world and will push it to be more vigilant and protective. Of course, this is a mental process that the mother is unaware of.

Many factors can explain this overprotective attitude, including the following factors.

Anguish

Anxious by nature, mother hens tend to exaggerate the risks and potential dangers of the outside world. The child is seen as a fragile being and unable to defend himself. The mother may also fear that the child will grow, become detached, take off and thus expose herself to more dangers in a world where she will not be there to protect it.

Childhood

A woman who has grown up brooded and overprotected herself risks reproducing the same overprotective pattern towards her children. Conversely, if she had lacked love, she may develop an overprotective attitude to ensure that her child does not lack care and protection.

Lack of experience

Young mothers or mothers of only children are particularly concerned and protective. We see that with each new child, the mother manages to relax and become less stressed, her attention being diluted between several children. At the same time, she gains experience and takes a step back on life. A mother is therefore more likely to be a mother hen with an only child or with her eldest before the arrival of the other children.

A trauma

It also happens that the woman projects (unconsciously) on her child a striking fact or a trauma that she has gone through during her life and from which she wants to protect her child.

The mother’s intention is noble because above all she seeks to take care of and protect her child. Although positive in itself and necessary during early childhood, this excessive and intrusive presence of the mother can hamper the proper development and well-being of the child. Indeed, to develop his autonomy and his self-confidence, the child must explore the world, take measured risks and face difficulties. However, the overprotected child is exposed little, if at all, to the obstacles of life and does not have the opportunity to deploy his resources and develop new skills. He may eventually lack self-confidence.

Unfounded fears

The other possible consequence of this close monitoring is to inspire the child with unfounded anxieties. As a general rule, the child interprets his environment through the reactions of those close to him. Thus, when the mother expresses fear, forbids her to touch the insects or to go alone to fetch the bread, the child deduces that there is a danger. Ultimately, these children can in turn become fearful and anxious.

If the mother cannot overcome her fears and continues to suppress her child’s need for freedom and autonomy, the situation often takes one of two directions:

• the child develops a distorted and anxiety-inducing image of the world around him. He sees himself as a fragile being, unable to protect himself and face difficulties;
• but fortunately the free will of the child often takes over and opens the possibility to a different path. Growing up, the child rebels, asserts himself and manages to detach himself. The mother then has no choice but to accept reality.

The first step to take is to question your fears, to do some soul-searching. For example, in every situation that is a source of anxiety, ask yourself “What am I afraid of”, “What is it that shows me concretely that my child is in danger? », And take a little height. Limiting access to media can also be beneficial.

Observe and know your child well

In Montessori pedagogy, observation is one of the keys to better knowledge of the child and the pillar in the learning of autonomy. If, for example, the mother is afraid of falls when her child is learning to walk, she may decide to observe his progress while staying in the background. This careful observation will help her develop a more objective view of her child’s abilities and learn to trust him.

Go step by step

If giving too much freedom to her child is distressing for the mother, she can take it step by step. For example, if she is worried about leaving her child alone at home, she can first leave it for 15, then 30 minutes and continue that way until both, the child and the mother, arrive. to separate serenely. This progressive acquisition of autonomy will reassure the mother who will see that her child has the necessary capacities to manage this situation and that he is not afraid of anything. The key is to give yourself the intention to let go and trust your child. This is often the most important step.

Being accompanied by a specialist can help the mother understand the origin of her anxieties and defuse fears. It will then be easier for him to grant his child the freedom and autonomy he needs to grow well.