“Mom was crying, and I considered health problems to be the payment for the reflection in the mirror”: Yulia Savicheva for the first time talks about anorexia and a weight of 37 kg

Today I am happy with how I look, although no, no, but the critic wakes up in me. One way or another, it stays with you for life: it seems that you figured out yourself for a long time, you know all your pros and cons, but the worm inside does not give rest.

As a child, we consider ourselves beautiful by definition, we are happy with what we see in the mirror, and nothing bothers us.

And then society begins to exert its influence. Equally important is how parents behave towards their child. My dad was very strict. He criticized me a lot and mercilessly: on the one hand, this is motivation and a down-to-earth attitude towards oneself, on the other, these are complexes that are acquired from the outside and put pressure on you.

I was 12-13 years old when I was vacationing in the summer with my grandparents in Kurgan. I have never been a child, as they say, “in the body,” because from an early age I danced, moved a lot. About me it was impossible to say for sure, they say, “Oh-oh-oh, it’s time to go on a diet.” In no case. But that summer we took a picture with my second cousin, and because of the angle (or maybe grandmother’s pies were involved) I got chubby cheeks. Soon one of the relatives, seeing the picture, said to me: “Oh, Yul, what kind of cheeks you have here.” And that’s all.

From that moment on, I got stuck. I began to consider myself fat and … I stopped eating – literally.

Psychologically, she suppressed the feeling of hunger, which over time began to weaken. My diet consisted of a negligible amount of food. For example, yogurt in the morning and afternoon – a pack of chips. And that’s all. I came up with my own diets: today I ate only cucumbers, and tomorrow – only fruits. Sometimes I would choose a favorite product – the same chips, glazed cheese or a donut – and eat it in those one or two meals a day. It came down to hunger strikes: I only pretended to eat.

My parents, of course, tried to fight me. Mom cried, persuaded. I don’t remember dad taking drastic measures: he probably thought that the situation had not yet reached a critical point. Mom understood that everything was really bad, but I did not obey. I was not a rebel, rather, on the contrary, a very obedient child. My teenage rebellion was expressed in nutrition. I put my parents before the fact: that’s it, I don’t eat. It was impossible to come to an agreement with me – she was stubborn.

And by the time I was 15, I had developed anorexia. My minimum weight was 37 kg – with a height of 160 cm.

How I did not end up in the hospital, did not collapse somewhere in the subway on the way to classes, remains a mystery. In this regard, I’m lucky.

In addition to school, I was engaged in ballroom dancing, and, of course, during periods of intense physical exertion, I felt bad – I felt sick, dizzy, darkened in my eyes, the pressure was very low. Once I even had to call an ambulance at home – I just could not get out of bed.

Hair has become dull and brittle due to useless nutrition. There was a hormonal failure, which was reflected in the emotional background: I constantly felt unhappy, depressed. Did it scare me? Not at all! You are completely absorbed by this state, it seems as if you already have no control over anything.

I considered all this to be the price of success, some kind of payment for what I see in the mirror.

I experienced happiness only when they told me that I was thin. Terribly pleased with this fact, I cut my food even more, and then enjoyed the sight of protruding bones. This is a real mental disorder, dysmorphia is a condition when you cannot soberly assess yourself. You look in the mirror, but you see something completely different there – not what it really is.

I stubbornly pursued an ideal, although I myself did not know which one. There was no question of self-confidence then. On the contrary, it was an endless humiliation of oneself. Difficult period. I remember, being 15 years old, I came to Kurgan again. Grandmother, seeing me, cried. She tried to influence, fed me, offered to cook anything – if only I ate. Attempts were largely unsuccessful. Every morning, right after I woke up, I did a 5 km run, then I had something to eat (that my grandmother would shove in), and then I went in for sports during the day. She kept herself in tight-knit gloves.

Problems began like a woman: I didn’t care, but my mother was very worried.

And today I want to warn all girls, girls and say that this is very serious. Anorexia and any nutritional problems primarily affect our women’s health. I began to disentangle the consequences of my actions when I already had a family, a spouse: for a long time we could not become parents. I almost deprived myself of the opportunity to become a mom. It’s very hard.

Then 15-year-old I, of course, did not think about motherhood. But the boys wanted to like it. But, alas, I did not have any relationship at all, because of which I suffered a lot. It was so offensive. I didn’t look for the reason in myself: my intention was still to be as thin as possible.

At school, as far as I remember, despite all the weighing and medical examination, no one raised the alarm. Although, who knows, maybe the doctors talked to the parents. But no one talked to me. Classmates looked at me and said: “Savicheva, you are like a robot.” I don’t know why such a comparison. They also called me “Thin”, “Worm in a spacesuit.” I was not offended. On the contrary, she waged an unspoken struggle with a classmate – she was the thinnest of all of us, despite the fact that she ate well (I saw). It’s just such a constitution.

At the weigh-in, I always approached her scales, looked at the figure, and if I weighed less, for me it was a victory.

I don’t know how long I would have held out like that. Star Factory 2 saved me. When Maxim Fadeev saw me so thin, he said: “You must eat well and eat right, otherwise we won’t take you.” Everything. There was no need to say anything more: I immediately listened. Participation in such a project was a great incentive for me.

Perhaps this is where salvation should be sought. Agree, it rarely happens that teenagers consider their parents to be friends. All the same, there are misunderstandings, friction. Mom tried to reason with me, but I just didn’t believe her. In such cases, a person who is influential for a teenager should come to the rescue, an authority in his eyes, an example in everything. For me, that person was Max.

True, I was lucky: the atmosphere at the “Factory” contributed to the fact that I quickly threw all the nonsense out of my head.

Attention instantly switched: there was no time to think about food – everyone eats, and you eat, and then running to class. Slowly, I began to get better, although at first it was difficult for me to accept. Then the body recovered at the hormonal level – I did not attach much importance to this, but my mother was very happy. In general, when she saw me, she kept repeating how pretty, wonderful I had become. 

At the “Factory” there was a re-understanding, an absolute reassessment of values ​​and a restructuring of internal sensations. For me it was a kind of psychotherapy. I was doing what I loved, so many interesting things were happening around that it changed me. In many ways, Star Factory has become a fateful project for me: it has given me the work of my life, listeners, and also saved me from irreparable mistakes.

Every week, month, I believed in myself more and more. I saw the results, and my confidence grew.

After the “Factory”, the internal struggle with my demons continued, but I already understood that it is possible to control food without fanaticism, but for health. Of course, sometimes I fell into this state of absolute dissatisfaction with myself … But what is there: this happens even today. But my husband doesn’t let me not get bogged down in this. And my mother-in-law. These two people helped me to look at myself from the outside, to build confidence and love for myself.