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Stories when a smart beauty brings a «monster» in tattoos and piercings into the house are good for jokes and movie scripts. In real life, everything is somewhat thinner and more complicated. So what to do if your «baby» introduces you to someone who does not suit her or him at all? Readers’ stories are commented by an expert.
“Mom, this is Masha, she doesn’t drink or smoke! — Why? «I can’t take it anymore!» It’s even funny at first. But as soon as we find ourselves in the role of one of the characters in such a story, the sense of humor quickly fails.
Despite all the articles we read on psychology, personal therapy or life wisdom, even if we understand everything about separation, let an adult child go into adulthood and do not cackle at him, we still remain parents. So, we will never stop wishing him happiness and worrying about problems.
We also want happiness for ourselves. Most of us hope that the family, even with a new person, will be friendly, and communication will be pleasant.
Unsuitable chosen ones of children may be for various reasons. In some cases, this is a matter of taste or intolerance of the future mother-in-law (mother-in-law) to some type, habit or behavior. For example, if a new person smokes or dresses, from our point of view, flashy or tasteless.
But there are also deeper contradictions that potentially lead to conflicts in the family or create a dangerous situation for a beloved child. There are a lot of situations. We’ll take a look at three stories that Psychologies readers have shared with us. Psychologist Svetlana Lukashevich comments.
«Demon in the rib»
Mariana, housewife, 44 years old
“Mom, this is Zhenya” — the son finally brought his bride to us for dinner, whom we had already heard about. The pretty girl modestly lowered her eyes and only did not curtsey. I exhaled. For starters, everything is fine. It was alarming that our sarcastic and rather aggressive dad might scare this little angel. But that’s not what I was thinking…
«Twenty five years! I shouted into the phone to my friend that evening. “I have been living with him for twenty-five years and have never seen him be such a bunny!” From the very first meeting, she found an approach to him — and he swam! He laughed at her jokes, smiled sweetly and did not say a word of criticism, not a single caustic remark. Does she have the talent of a manipulator or does he have a devil in the ribs?! God be my judge, but I don’t want to see her in my house anymore! What should I do?..»
Psychologist’s comment
Before trusting women’s intuition and branding the son’s girlfriend as a «treacherous temptress», let’s clear our perception of impurities of another kind of irritants. Here you need to be uncompromisingly honest with yourself and answer a number of questions: “Did I feel encroachment on my undeniable authority in the family?”; “But didn’t it prick me that the “daughter-in-law” was able to unwittingly reveal my rigidity in the perception of my own husband?”; “Are there any signals in my feelings that relationships with the second half require some renewal after 25 years of marriage?”
“Or maybe I’m just sad that the period of my son’s childhood is leaving forever and it is necessary to start writing a new life chapter?”
It is not simple! But all participants in the process are in a vulnerable position. Armed with honesty, patience, readiness for change, you can hear the real quiet voice of your female intuition. And engage in a conscious dialogue with loved ones.
Flashback
Dilya, translator, 43 years old
“When my daughter brought her boyfriend to meet me, I fell into a stupor. He was like two drops of water like her dad, my ex-husband, after talking with whom I had to go through two years of psychotherapy before deciding on a new relationship.
Kolya even resembled him outwardly, but first of all, in his movements, facial expressions, and manner of communicating. It wasn’t even funny because my ex was a psychopath and an abuser. As life has shown, the daughter’s fiancé turned out to be the same. Of course, she did not listen to me — love is blind. Only two years later, she finally broke up with him, retaining unpleasant memories and a scar on her temple from his fist. One can only hope that, like me, this story has become a “graft” from such people for life.”
Psychologist’s comment
In the fairy tale, Little Red Riding Hood begins her dialogue with the Gray Wolf, despite her mother’s orders. Why? There is more than words and warnings. For example, some appropriated far in childhood and deeply stored, not realized model of behavior. She «programs», excites, beckons, and even sometimes makes her go for provocations.
And, contrary to common sense, Little Red Riding Hood does not just start a dialogue with the Gray Wolf. She lies down on his bed (after all, she could not, in her right mind, confuse her grandmother with a wolf in her cap) and studies him in detail, down to sharp teeth. The consequences are inevitable.
Your daughter has already played this scenario once, and now the main thing is to prevent it from happening again and again. And this happens often! After all, as we have already said, it is not a matter of experience and logic. But your «heroine» has an invaluable gift — a saving map of the exit from the dense forest of violence, which was drawn by her mother. And many more allies along the way. I understand that you can recommend the right psychologist if necessary.
View from the back
Irina, editor, 40 years old
“And I unexpectedly somehow turned out to be the very “inappropriate” girl. Once upon a time a young man brought me to meet my mother. «Irina? she asked, wrinkling her nose. «Terrible name!»
The psychologist explains: “For most parents, the situation of getting to know the passion of their beloved child causes stress. And sometimes it is not easy to understand the true causes of your first reactions, but it is important to do this. After all, the choice of a partner is a deeply intimate process, characterized by increased personal significance and a particular vulnerability to external assessments. Sharp disapproval from loved ones, and even more so prohibitive measures, can lead at least to a violation of your contact, up to a break in relations. And as a maximum, injure a son or daughter for many years.
Here it is important to stock up on patience, understanding, a store of wisdom, to be there and be ready to offer all this wealth. But, what is very important, the child himself must become the author of his life.
And although everything, most likely, will not go smoothly and it will not always be possible to build really close trusting relationships with new family members, you will be rewarded with amazing discoveries in yourself and loved ones. You will find new facets of your need and need in the family, and communication with your child will not be limited to ordinary phrases.