Mom I want to marry you

As soon as the child stopped tormenting you with endless questions about the secret of his birth and the differences between a boy and a girl that shocked him so much, you felt something was wrong, if not entirely, but indirectly related to this problem.

You suddenly felt with all the fibers of your soul, and your intuition is unlikely to let you down that your baby has fallen in love, he is in love. Yes, yes, truly in love, if there is such a feeling in the world. And the main object of love is you, you, and no one else. Moreover, he does not even try to hide it, but puts his feeling on display and demonstrates it, beaming all over with happiness. He is delighted that you are his parents. In his eyes, you simply have no equal. He wouldn’t trade you for anyone for anything in the world. And, having flung open for love, he first of all opened all the «doors» in his heart wide open for you, tearing off hooks, locks and all sorts of shutters. He is truly yours. He is not lying. He is sincerely all yours … But we must remember that the word «all» for the baby has a framework, especially during the crisis of three years. And no matter how strong the love of the child, the desire for «I myself» is even stronger. Therefore, you do not even try to destroy his “I myself” in any way, experiencing the feeling of a baby. Do not force your child to feel himself between two fires all the time and constantly choose between himself and you.

All this duality, a little sooner or later, but will certainly disappoint the baby. And your child will become defenseless, suddenly drooping, like an old man, under the burden of worldly storms and troubles. After all, for him, your love is like a rear, where, hoping for support, at any moment he can retreat. And there, who hugs the baby tighter, warms you more, drowns you in affection … Who else can he cling to so trustingly, sharing doubt and anxiety … You are like a shell for him, his armor. And that’s why the child wakes up with a smile, because he knows you are next to him. And if you are with him, then nothing threatens him. He is completely safe. He is protected.

The kid does not want to choose between himself and you. He does not need this choice.

It is not a secret for him that he is almost “nobody” without you, but he will become even more “nobody” without himself.

Therefore, do not provoke him to this choice. And try to extend the age of admiration of the child before him for the longest possible time. The crisis is passing, and now the child not only loves you like mom and dad, but imitates you in everything to become like you. For him, you are the peak that you would like to climb, and every day of the child is a segment of the ascent to this peak. But the mountain path is so winding and so steep… So get ready for the unexpected.

Against the background of boundless love for the mother, the baby tries to identify himself with the parent of the same sex as him. By identifying, the boy can not take his admiring glance away from his father for hours, striving at all costs to turn into a copy of him. At the age of three, he is simply unaware that a copy cannot become an original. But nevertheless, he strives for this, adopting all the manners and habits of the pope, even when they should not be adopted. He speaks his words, remarks, phrases. He also wears a cap on one side. And he tries on all his clothes, regretting that they do not fit him. The kid dreams of the profession of his father, realizing this dream in games. And the best compliment for your child is when you tell him that he looks like a dad. Dreaming of being like his father, the baby seeks to imitate all other men who, in his eyes, are like the standard of necessary courageous character traits. And the child gradually tries on this standard of features.

Trying to become a man, the boy prefers to be friends with boys, and peers often also exert their influence on him.

And if we sum up the influence of the father, men and peers on the boy, that is, the influence of the communication environment artificially selected by the child himself, then we can even predict what kind of man will grow out of the boy, how courageous he will be.

Identifying herself with her mother, any girl imitates her so much that, forgetting herself, sometimes she really feels like a mother in the house.

She cannot hide her resentment when she is suddenly not trusted with something, especially household chores. And, rehearsing the role of mother, the baby, imitating her, not realizing that she is not yet able to imitate, is only able in a few moments to kill all the dirty dishes that she tried to wash, stain the clean linen that she decided to wash, or raise a column of dust in the house sweeping an apartment with a dry broom.

She wants to grow up and gain independence as soon as possible, but the main condition is to be like her mother. And to bring this closer, the girl flirts for hours in front of the mirror, trying on her mother’s clothes and high-heeled shoes. She is not indifferent to jewelry and uses her mother’s cosmetics, which decorates her mother so much, but for some reason turns her into a small stuffed animal, smeared with mascara and blush. But the girl agrees to be a stuffed animal, if only to resemble her mother.

In addition to her mother, the girl dreams of being like women of ideal beauty, like everyone who is inherent in true femininity. And just like boys, she is not indifferent to peers of her gender, in other words, to her beloved peers.

Having come to terms with all this and understanding what happens to the baby during the first love for you and the attachment to people that swallowed him whole, you suddenly fell into the net artificially placed by the baby for you. Love — the child’s dependence on his parents was suddenly replaced by enthusiastic love, secret love, love with a romantic tinge.

Yes, yes, love-dependence on you has become romantic before your very eyes. And its focus is now only on the parent of the opposite sex. Therefore, the daughter bows before the father, and the son falls in love even more strongly with his beloved mother. He would gladly marry her and even promises to fulfill this, if it weren’t for dad, if it weren’t for his father … The kid sees in him the main obstacle to his plans. The father is an obstacle in the way of the child. Not understanding the exact meaning of the words “love”, “marry”, the baby, blindly imitating his father, who nevertheless once managed to take his mother as his wife, considers it necessary for himself to do the same now, because he, in after all, like dad, he is a man. So why is his own father a hindrance? After all, when dad got married, he did not interfere. Therefore, the father has no right to interfere with him, interfere with his own son.

And, without realizing it, the child is overwhelmed with jealousy for his father, jealous of his mother for his father, who, more than ever, is necessary for him.

And sometimes your child wants his father to leave, disappear from home, or, as in a fairy tale, even look for an excuse to send him to distant lands. The kid is not averse to dad meeting with Barmaley, Baba Yaga and Koschey the Immortal, Serpent Gorynych, he was detained on the way. Indeed, in this case, of course, his mother will only give him her love.

And, having made dad, albeit only in his thoughts, an easy target for the villainy of his unloved fairy-tale characters, the kid all the time feels his guilt in front of his dad, fearing that his father would accidentally read these thoughts, guessing everything and seeing his child through and through …

Well, what if his dad also thinks that his son is bothering him?! Well, if his dad too …

Just like boys, these thoughts haunt girls. Only girls get in the way of their mothers. Well, of course, this is mom — the main culprit of the cool relationship between her daughter and father .. Well, of course, she … That’s when mom suddenly disappeared, replacing her, the daughter would certainly subdue her father, who would finally understand how incredibly lucky to have such a daughter. Daughter, which, perhaps, it is impossible not to fall in love. Even the best princesses are incomparable to her. Such a daughter…

Dreaming of various transformations in order to fully own his love, albeit subconsciously, your child understands that he has no right to this. And fear for these thoughts haunts him. He does not give him rest. He wakes up at night. And it can even become a source of neurosis.

I speak, the romance of your child’s feelings resembles a signature cocktail in which fear, jealousy and ardent love are suddenly mixed together.

However, this all haunts the child, usually in dysfunctional families. When well-being reigns in the family, such feelings in children, as soon as they arise, immediately disappear, as the parents, knowing the psychology of the child perfectly, try to extinguish them much earlier than the flame flares up from the spark. And even in dysfunctional families, the stage of the «Oedipus complex» and the «Electra complex», if it could be called that at all, usually fades by the age of 5-6. It is transient, like all stages of child development. And its essence is to prepare the ground for the future happy relationship of your child with persons of the opposite sex. He can become a model for the future family relationships of the baby.

After all, it is no secret that, having become an adult, the daughter dreams that her chosen one would be like her father and be as extraordinary as her father. Of course, without the unpleasant character traits of her father, which do not satisfy her.

And the son would like his bride to repeat at least something of his mother. And he will involuntarily compare the bride with her.

When we talk about the obligatory stage of a child’s love for his own parents, it must be remembered that the features of this stage depend on the parents themselves.

With the undisguised hyper-custody of the baby, the child does not love mom and dad as much as he is attached to them, since he is seriously convinced by their frequent suggestions that all his well-being is only in them.

Hyper-custody cultivates not a sincere feeling, but false love, which is ready to split into small fragments in an instant from one touch to it in a difficult moment.

Therefore, one should not abuse the fact that the child needs attachments so much, and limit him, like a leash, in them.

After three years, the baby falls in love not only with mom and dad, but often with peers of the opposite sex. And this childish love is gullibility, naivety, purity. The child is covered. And, having taken you prisoner of his stories, he is ready to admire for hours the one he has chosen, dreaming of «making happy» his chosen one in any way. And the main of the ways is the soul of a child, open for another, with all the excess of affection, tenderness and happiness that he needs to give away.

Love has lifted the child above itself. He is all in hope, in expectation, all in faith in a miracle …

The stage of “love tenderness” has passed, and for the umpteenth time your baby suddenly swims away into his “Beautiful Far Away”, similar to a bubbling stream, or rather, a small river … And no matter how madly you want to stop the flow and turn everything back, remember, that the river cannot be directed back to the source, its path is forward .. Keep this in mind when raising a baby.

How Parents SHOULD Behave During the “Children’s First Romantic Love”

• Do not destroy the child’s illusions and become truly worthy of his love and admiration.
• Strive for your own perfection, so that the child, imitating, adopts only your best features.
• Trying to make sure that the baby’s romantic feeling for the parent of the opposite sex is actually romantic. Do not turn a child into a “bone of contention” because of him.
• Always remember that the period of romantic adoration by a child of a parent of the opposite sex is a prototype of the future family relations of the baby, a model of his family life.
• Strive to uproot even the smallest germ of a child’s jealousy towards a parent of the same sex.
• And if jealousy is already evident, reduce the depressing feeling of guilt for this jealousy in your child, guilt, which is the subconscious source of the baby’s nightmares.
• Do not laugh at your child yourself and do not try to turn him into an object of ridicule for others, when suddenly the son tells you that he will marry his mother, and the daughter that she will marry her father. All this is transitory. Consider this situation as you would any other stage in a child’s development.
• Do not abuse the love of the baby or fake it, showing your child that the mother loves the son more than the husband, and the father loves the daughter more than the wife. Even when this happens and in fact, you need to carefully hide everything from the baby.
• Do not laugh at your child when you see that he is in love with one of his peers or with one of his peers, but try to somehow switch his attention to something else. And even if you don’t switch, then remember: “falling in love” at this age is just one of many indicators of the normal development of a child.
• You need to know that no matter how much a child loves you and other people around him, he needs love most of all. And, flaunting his feeling, the baby seems to invite you to follow his example and make sure that love is reciprocated. Please answer baby.

How NOT to behave parents during the «child’s first romantic love»

• Make fun of love.
• Leave romance.
• Highlight the imperfections of the people your child loves.
• Specially sow jealousy and aggravate the guilt of the baby for its appearance.
• Try to turn the child into an «apple of discord.»

Situation for parents:

When Tanyusha unexpectedly ran into the bedroom in the morning, her parents stood at the window and hugged. When they saw the girl, they hugged even more tightly. And the mother, laughing, said: “Well, now you finally see which of the two of us dad loves more?” The daughter, without answering her, hunched her shoulders, with tears in her eyes, quietly went out into the corridor.

1. How would you behave in such a situation?
2. Was Tanyusha’s mother right?

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.