“Mom, I’m pregnant”: what if a teenager shared a secret with you

It is a great happiness if the child trusts you so much that he is able to tell almost everything. And at the same time, he is not afraid to upset or anger you. Another thing is whether we can correctly accept frankness. After all, it happens that someone else’s secret becomes a heavy burden.

The reaction of mom or dad can seriously affect a teenager. After all, our children depend on us, learn, draw conclusions about the world and themselves, based on parental examples.

“You will become an alcoholic!”

“When I told my mom that I lost my virginity, she called me a whore,” recalls Marina, 39. Although I am already an adult, this incident will forever remain in my memory. For a long time I could not forgive my mother for these words.

Sometimes what a teenager says can hurt a parent, bring up painful personal memories, and open up old wounds.

“My father drank. When I confessed to my mother that I had tried alcohol, she immediately said that I would grow up to be an alcoholic like him. And the story didn’t end there. Every time I came home drunk, she started screaming that I was just as drunk as my father,” says Vladimir, 28. “And even now she can’t stand it when I drink. That’s why I never do it at home.

Their own fears make adults react violently even to relatively neutral news. Having received a similar response to his frankness, a teenager will most likely try not to tell his parents anything in the future. This can be very dangerous, because in a really difficult situation the child will be left without help, without the advice of parents.

“In my school, the principal and head teacher harassed girls. When I came home and told my mother that the director molested me, and the head teacher stroked and hugged me, she replied: “You are a prominent, beautiful girl, so the men pester me.” It was not at all the reaction I was expecting. I didn’t tell her anything else and managed on my own, ”says Ksenia, 43 years old.

Perhaps by the time the parents find out about something serious, it will be too late. A child can make mistakes, and the mother and father will have to deal with them. And it’s good if alienation, loneliness in one’s own family does not push the child to commit a crime.

“Sometimes my mother asks me with resentment why I don’t share anything with her. It surprises me. After all, as soon as I decided to be frank with her, she was either angry or frightened. Therefore, I prefer to share my problems and joys with my best friend,” says Olga, 25 years old.

Help and support

“I got pregnant at 15. And the first person to know about it was my mother. I didn’t even think about going to someone else. We talked, decided that it was better to terminate the pregnancy, especially since I had severe pain. Mom said that she was very sorry for this child and very sorry for me. She did not scold and did not condemn, did not lament, she simply helped me find a good doctor and supported me after. I remember how we even smoked a cigarette when we talked about it,” says Maria, 40 years old.

It happens that a son or daughter shares not a frightening secret, but a joy that is simply difficult for you to share. After all, sometimes we imagine happiness for our child in a completely different way. For example, a son tells his father that he entered a culinary college, got a job in a restaurant washing dishes, because he dreams of becoming a cook. And the father throws a tantrum in response, because he wanted his son to become a physicist or mathematician. How to respond to all this?

“Difficult topics are difficult to talk about, but avoiding them is much more dangerous”

Yulia Schukina, psychologist

It is important to emphasize that in such situations, both parties need support, because it is difficult for both the parent and the teenager. At the same time, many difficult questions and tasks arise.

What I feel?

It is necessary to understand how the parent perceives this news, what emotions it causes (fear, sadness, irritation, guilt, etc.) and what is his attitude to the event and to his feelings.

You can ask yourself the questions: “How do I feel about what happened? How do I feel about being scared? It is normal to experience different feelings, there can be many of them. And anger, and sadness that it doesn’t work out the way you once wanted, and fear for the future.

Often in such situations, fear takes over: “What if it gets worse?”

Through the prism of this fear, what happened often seems more terrible than it actually is. Here it is important to check the real state of affairs. Decide what knowledge about your child can be used to predict the future.

How can I express my feelings?

Find the right form to express your attitude and your feelings. It can be a cry, tears, some words. Which ones are suitable in a conversation with your teenager? For example, in the story of Mary, her mother said that she was very sorry. Or it could be the phrase: “I’m worried, I’m afraid that something bad will happen to you.” Or: “I don’t like this, it causes fear for you, but I really appreciate what you shared, thank you.”

You need to emphasize how much his honesty means to you. If it is important to you that a teenager came with his secret, tell him about it, let him know that you are grateful to him for his trust. The man decided to discuss with you something very important to him. And it depends on you whether it will be accepted or discounted. This does not change the fact that you may not like what happened, but the value of trust is definitely worth emphasizing.

How is my child now? What can I do for him?

What is important for a teenager? Do you need help right now, support in something, care or information? You can find out, for example, by asking directly.

When the issue of the need for emergency assistance is resolved, emotions and feelings are indicated, you can move on to a conversation. We can discuss this experience. Ask the teenager how he feels about what happened. What does he think is normal, acceptable, and what is not? Does he understand what to do next?

Further, if you have any agreements and they have been violated, you can turn to them, remind them of the consequences that will inevitably follow. But only if you agreed on this in advance.

You can also tell your teenager about what is important to know in such situations. It may be worth giving some information, for example, about contraception or how alcohol affects the young brain. Only not in the format of a lecture or moralizing, but out of a sense of care.

Think about it, how do you yourself understand that they are talking to you out of a position of care, and not out of a desire to reproach? What do you pay attention to: special intonations or gestures? Maybe some special, special words are needed? Difficult topics are difficult to talk about, it’s true, but avoiding them is much more dangerous.

In Maria’s example, it sounds: “We talked and decided,” – not mom decided, but “we.” What helped them both to talk about the difficult and find a solution? What created the space and opportunity for this conversation? What do you think, under what conditions is it possible to have a confidential conversation with your teenager?

Maria’s mother does not reproach, speaks about her feelings, offers to find a solution. Most likely, it is so customary for them to share without fear of reproaches and condemnation.

As a reference to parents, I can recommend Nigel Latta’s book Before Your Teenager Drives You Crazy. Latta writes in an accessible language what happens to a teenager’s brain, what he already knows for sure, and what is still being formed, why teenagers can behave illogically from the point of view of adults and how a parent can stand when his child is going through a difficult period.