In September, we went to Lefortovo Park: I, my wife Marina and her good friend, let’s call her Ira. Ira took a picture of me and Marina — it seems we look good together!
So, Ira has a great family, her husband is a successful businessman, two children, everyone is cheerful and healthy. But Ira shared a situation that worries her. I recorded the conversation on a dictaphone, here is a transcript of the conversation with minimal editing.
Ira: Nikolai Ivanovich, we have Pasha 10 years old, and now tension has arisen between him and dad. He, of course, is not a gift, but dad is very strict with him, and Pasha recently told me: “I’m afraid of dad!”. How can we deal with this fear?
N.I.: Be proud of what a smart child you have. I’ve always admired Pasha, he’s still a crook! Look how beautiful, with one phrase, Pasha turned the arrows from his outrages to dad. That is, he does not need to somehow obey his parents, but his parents, specifically dad, should be softer towards him, strain him less, and Pasha will have fear! It is curious, did he himself think about fear, or did he copy it from his friends?
Ira: I don’t know, maybe I came up with it myself. But now how to figure out if this is a fantasy or a real fear?
Marina: You need to know something else: any idea in the hands of talented children will become real under one condition — with the support of adults. If you keep Pasha talking about his fears, he will have fears. Maybe he already has a real fear — I don’t know how long you supported him!?
Ira: I didn’t support it… He just recently told me this!
Marina: Ira, pay attention to how this is happening. If the child once said: «I’m afraid,» and the environment swallowed, the mother became worried, then the child begins to cultivate this fear in himself. To be afraid is profitable and cool! A child can blurt out for the first time just like that, you tell him: “You have ice cream on you,” he tells you: “Oh, no need, I’m afraid of the cold!” (Yes, even sticky, white, sweet). But if he looks — it worked, his parents took it seriously, then he starts seriously: “I can’t eat white ice cream, I’m scared. Buy me creme brulee!” And he is already connecting the body, he will soon turn pale and shake if someone with the wrong ice cream approaches him. Fear takes root easily.
Ira: And what should I do now? What should I tell Pasha?
N.I.: Okay, I can show you a variant of such a conversation. I can play for you, can you play for Pavel?
Ira: I’ll try!
So, then there will be two players: Mom (performed by N.I.) and Pasha (performed by mom).
Mom: Great! Pasha, my dear, you told me that you are afraid of dad. Tell me what do you mean? How long have you been afraid of him, are you very afraid of him, in what situations are you afraid of him?
Pasha: I’m very afraid of my dad when he swears at me.
Mom: And you don’t like it, do you? Would you like him to swear at you?
Pasha: Of course, I don’t like it!
Mom: Do you know a great way to do so that dad does not swear?
Pasha: I don’t know… What kind?
Mom: Listen to dad and mom. You have excellent, excellent dad and mom, and if you obey them, do your homework on time and help around the house, then dad will never swear. You’re afraid of your dad because you don’t listen to him.
Pasha: But I don’t want to do anything around the house!
Mom: I understand correctly, it’s not about your fears, but about the fact that you don’t want to do what mom and dad tell you?
Pasha is silent…
Mom: Well, good. You and I found out that our dad is not scary. Only those who disobey him fear the Pope. But the question of your duties at home — I agree, here we need to figure it out.
Then — a separate conversation is a completely different topic.