Mother and child are the two closest beings on Earth. It would seem that the relationship between them should be warm and trusting. But sometimes a beloved child literally plunges a knife into a woman’s heart, throwing cruel phrases, confessing to hatred. Where does this anger come from and how to improve relationships, says teacher and coach Galina Narozhnaya.
I think that every mother has heard these words at least once in her life. In my case, however, it sounded softer: “You know, mom, it would be better if I was born to another girl!” But it was no less painful to hear.
Children are our reflection. All the emotions that we experience, but try to hide, suppress in ourselves, they feel good and broadcast in the form of feedback. Sometimes feedback sounds through hatred. What is really behind this? Revenge? Confrontation?
What happens to the child?
Of course, a lot depends on age and the context of the situation, but most likely this is a manifestation of anger. It is he who pushes for such cruel words. This means that the child has accumulated so much of it that he can no longer stand it. Agree, waking up in the morning in a good mood, stretching sweetly in bed, the child does not throw such phrases. As a rule, this is a reaction to your act, words, and sometimes even to tacit agreement with what is unpleasant or unbearable for the child.
What happens to the parent?
An adult person experiences a lot of emotions: resentment, anger, bewilderment, disappointment, and diagnoses himself: I am a bad mother, I raised a monster, a traitor, a moral monster. To act, being in the power of such a cocktail, is contraindicated. At such moments, the child needs a calm, resourceful parent, and not the same bundle of nerves as he himself.
Each family has a standard scenario according to which events develop further. Someone spanks the child, someone drags it into a corner, cries or begins to reproach and remind how much everything beautiful was done for the child (read — sacrificed), and he turned out to be so ungrateful.
What to do?
Calm down all parties. Do not rashly find out why the child said so, punish or try to cause guilt. At such a moment, this will not help in any way to correct the situation, it will not teach a son or daughter anything.
The first thing to do is shut up. No matter how difficult it may be for you to do such a simple action. Try to control your breathing so that it evens out. This will mean that you have taken control of yourself. If the child is small, sit so that your eyes are at the same level. In a kind, compassionate voice, say, “Baby, you are angry. Let me help you deal with your emotions.» It’s good if he agrees to stomp his feet with all his might or, on the count of ten, clench his fists very, very strongly, and then sharply relax his hands. Or rip off the pillow. Let the physical manifestation of anger!
When aggression is directed in the right direction and lived through, it is important to make it clear that your relationship is not over, that you still love the child and know that this is mutual. Hug, caress, kiss. You can silently, you can, saying: «Baby, I love you so much.»
If you have a teenager, it is better to leave for a while in another room. It may be easier for both you and him to calm down without seeing each other. “It seems to me that now we will not be able to calmly talk. Let me go away for a while, we’ll calm down, and then we’ll discuss what happened. I need time to think over your words.» Please say it calmly, without rudeness, harshness or cynicism in your voice.
Then you need to think about what specifically turned out to be the trigger. What have you done that is so unacceptable for a child? Remember everything: step by step go back to the moment when the first misunderstanding began. Watch how it matured. This digression into the history of your relationship will explain a lot. If you can look at the situation from the outside and accept that the child is always doing the best he can at a particular moment, you will hear otherwise. This is not a bad child, it is bad for him. Behind such evil words? as «mom, I hate you», a cry for help is usually hidden: «mom, help me, save me from myself», and sometimes «protect me from you».
When the parties have cooled down, restore the relationship. With a teenager, sometimes it is easier to do this if you honestly ask him what is needed for this. “What do you think we can do to fix what happened?” Usually children suggest making simple changes in life: not to enter their room without knocking, not to rummage through personal things, to allow them to walk an hour longer. Listen to the proposals, express your opinion in response (of course, without slipping into accusations again), come to a consensus and, most importantly, begin to follow the agreements, otherwise the child will not believe you next time.
What’s next?
You need to start working on relationships, become an observer for a while.
- Track what words and phrases you use in everyday communication, what constructions you use. Most often these are “you-statements”: again you didn’t clean the room, you got a bad grade again, you didn’t come home on time again. Practice «I-statements»: I don’t like that you came home late, I don’t like it when the apartment is a mess, I’m upset that you got a bad grade. Start with yourself, instead of the usual accusations, describe what you feel. When you learn to do it yourself, ask your child to express anger in this way as well. Although experience shows that as soon as the parent changes the form of expression of discontent, the child immediately copies everything.
- Evaluate the psychological state you are in at times of conflict. Many women notice that most often conflicts in the family arise when they feel tired. At such moments, they react to any events very painfully, they may not notice the important need of the child, forget to pay attention to him.
- Try to give your child time not only when he behaves badly, is naughty or angry. The practice of introducing family rituals is effective: joint breakfasts or dinners, going to the cinema, excursions, walks. Attention should not be formal, for example, taken to a circle or fed, but real. Your time should be completely owned only by the child, do not be distracted by phone calls, messages or work issues. If you give children half an hour of such real attention, then the rest of the time they will not demand it from you.
- Learn not to exaggerate the child’s mistakes, but to accept them and draw conclusions. The easiest way to do this is with him by answering the following questions:
- What mistake have we made?
- What led to this error?
- What have we learned from the situation that happened due to this mistake?
- How will we proceed next time if this happens again?
It may take more than one month to build new, friendly relationships, but it’s worth it.