Mom, Dad, I want to die!

Proven content

The suicide of a child, or even his attempt, is a special tragedy for the whole family and often a surprising discovery of many previously communicated messages hidden in his behavior. Is it possible to imagine such an enormous force and such a state of the soul that push people to take their own life? How great must the suffering and the feeling of helplessness be for this to become the only acceptable solution?

Suicides in the light of statistics

Suicide is the second leading cause of death in children and adolescents (the first is accidents and injuries). This is relatively rare in people under the age of 15, but the total number of child suicides is increasing. In Poland, according to WHO, the number of suicide attempts by children and adolescents is estimated at approx. 4-5 thousand a year. Hence, suicide prevention should be a priority not only for parents and doctors, but also for teachers and school educators.

Suicide as a common problem

Every human being, both children and adults, sometimes thinks of death. It is not a disease, but only an element of development, growing up, learning about the world and an attempt to understand life, death and its meaning. Nearly half of high school students admit to thinking about suicide. But it becomes something disease and risky when the implementation of these thoughts seems to be the only way out of the experienced troubles, when there are real plans to commit suicide, thinking about its consequences …

Monika, 16, talks about herself like this:

My father moved out of the house when I was 8 years old. Mom’s new guy moved in very quickly. Initially, he sought my and my little brother’s favors, bought toys and took them to school. By the time. First, there were quarrels, quarrels about a fairy tale watched or going out to the yard. After that, the reason was no longer important. I felt that I was disturbing him more and more. He never acted like this with my mother or with my brother. When I told her about it, she didn’t believe me. And my stepfather the next day when I was alone with him – he hit me for the first time. The following times it was easier for him. Then he had remorse, he would come, apologize, hug, buy gifts. This has been the case for several years. I stopped complaining about anything. Did mom really not notice anything, did not know about anything ?! I would get up, go to school, come back, get out of his way. I thought that maybe I would hold on for a few more years until I could move out of the house. But after another quarrel and beatings, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I took all the medications out of my home medicine cabinet, found the painkillers and sleeping pills that my mother was taking. I took them all and washed them down with the wine from the cupboard. Later, I lay in my bed, which sometimes made me feel like sleeping more. I started to be afraid… All thoughts started to bum in my head. I just remember that I texted my friend about what I had done … I woke up in the hospital …

The causes of suicides

Growing up is a period of rebellion, creating your own autonomy, experimenting, checking the limits you set. It can be a fascinating adventure of discovering yourself and the world, but for many it can also be filled with difficult events that cause great emotional tension. Mood swings, often lowering it, aggressive and impulsive behavior, and negating reality are not uncommon elements of this stage of life. However, growing up should consist precisely in learning how to deal with these situations and reduce this tension in an atmosphere of acceptance, support, and positive models. When this “science” is lacking, it is easy to resort to destructive stress-coping techniques.

Young people attempt suicide for many reasons. For teenagers conflicts with peers, loss of a parent, separation from a loved one, chronic and severe illness or poor social functioning (running away from home, using psychoactive substances) can enhance suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Difficult family situation, increasing and constant conflict with parentsespecially if it accompanies it violence or harassment, increases the risk of suicidal behavior. The child sees no other solution in such a situation, and the inability to solve it deprives him of any hope for the future. As happened with Monika. Her loneliness and the inability to solve the problem meant that the only way she could say “enough” of this situation was to kill herself. It seemed to her the only possibility of achieving this, so that no one would hurt her anymore. This is a very dramatic way of showing the degree of her suffering. Losing confidence in a mother who didn’t believe her made her stop trusting anyone.

Impulsive, hopeless or perfect children, setting themselves high, difficult-to-achieve goals, may be more susceptible to such a solution to difficult situations for them. In this context, suicide or an attempted suicide can fulfill one or more roles: escaping from an unbearable situation or mental state, “repaying” others by causing them to feel guilty, punishing yourself, taking care of yourself, caring for yourself. and the attention of others or even sacrifice in the name of higher goals. Protection will be here primarily all the ability to find other ways to meet their own needs and to deal with problems.

A risk factor for suicide can also be sexual identity problems – lack of consent to one’s gender and different sexual orientation, resulting in a lack of acceptance in some families and environments.

Mental disorders after suicide attempts

About 90% of adolescents suffer from various mental disorders after a suicide attempt – first of all depressive disorders and behavioral disorders. And the combination of depressive symptoms and antisocial behavior has been described as the most common factor leading to adolescents’ suicide. It is not always easy to spot depressive disorders in a child. They can take various forms: somatic complaints (abdominal pain, headache), irritation, aggression, anger or withdrawal. However, depression is not always associated with suicidal ideation. You can kill yourself without being depressed, and you can be depressed without trying to kill yourself.

How can I prevent suicide?

Can this be prevented? You can. If you are open to what is happening around us and have the courage to react to it. A child’s suicide is usually not a “bolt from the blue”. Children generally give many red flags to cry out for help. It seems that both parents and people working with children on a daily basis: teachers, educators, should be vigilant in relation to certain behaviors that may be a signal of emerging problems. They can be:

1. mentions of suicide, death, a sense of the meaninglessness of life, helplessness (verbally and speechlessly, expressed e.g. in clothes, drawings, musical expression, writing a farewell letter, etc.);
2. behavior changes: e.g. giving away your valuables, isolating yourself from people, neglecting your appearance, overt or suppressed aggression;
3. information about previous self-harm or suicide attempts and impulsive behavior;
4. difficult life situation: e.g. conflicts or failures at school, at home, loneliness, experiencing violence, rejection by a significant person, loss of someone or something;
5. a family history of suicide and mental disorders.

When you suspect or fear that a loved one is suicidal please ask for help. Preferably a psychiatrist, psychologist or family doctor. You shouldn’t leave that person alonesomeone should be there all the time. Often it is not only about their safety, but also that they need someone’s closeness at the moment. It is recommended to remove all medicines, chemicals, sharp objects, weapons from the home. When there is a high risk of a suicide attempt, the sick person should be hospitalized in a psychiatric ward. In such a situation his consent is not required for thisbecause the Mental Health Protection Act allows the patient to be placed in hospital when his life is at risk. This also applies to minors.

It is also very important that all such behaviors – involving both the risk of committing suicide and attempting suicide – are taken very seriously. and not to underestimate them, even if it seems to us that the child “only wants to attract our attention”. It should be a very important message, because it means that for some reason he sees no other option and is in a difficult situation in which he should be helped. This is his way of crying out for help. And ignoring this situation may become an even greater blow to the child and push him to “surrender”, which in a specific case may mean attempting suicide.

Life after a suicide attempt

In the case of Monika, she was taken to the children’s psychiatry ward, where she was taken psychotherapy. It became a very important element in the process of her recovery and learning to cope with the situation that happened in her life. Family therapy was also conducted, but without the participation of the stepfather – the perpetrator of violence, against whom the case is pending in court. The girl’s mother divorced him, blaming herself for everything that happened. In such a situation, all this family needed help. The relatives of those who committed suicide, which could not be prevented on time, also need such help and support.

The helpline

Or maybe you sometimes think about suicide? Or someone from your relatives? Don’t be afraid to talk about it. Nobody’s Children Foundation launched the first free and countrywide TRUST PHONE for CHILDREN and YOUTH – 116 111. It works on weekdays, Monday to Friday, in hours from 12.00 20.00 to. Line 116 111 is operated by qualified psychologists and educatorswho can talk to young people about their problems and are able to give them professional advice in crisis situations. Consultants will talk to your child about any problem they cannot cope with. There are no important and unimportant problems. A similar helpline, also for adults, is run by the Association Actively Against Depression – on Wednesdays, between 16 and 17 pm, a psychologist and a doctor are on duty at 0-22 843 18 75.

Suicide – myths

“A person who wants to commit suicide is not talking about it. If someone speaks, it means that they do not really want to do it, they only scare the surroundings. “

Nothing could be more wrong. As many as 80% of suicides report their intentions to their relatives in advance and visit a doctor in the 24 hours preceding the suicide attempt. Others signal it in a less direct way: they are interested in the subject of death, they talk about the pointlessness of life, about the fact that they are not irreplaceable, about the relief that, for example, a terminal illness could bring them. Sometimes they are nightmares, e.g. about funerals, dying, etc.

“A person who wants to commit suicide shuns company, wants to be alone.”

Sometimes it is. However, more often the fear associated with the decision to take their own life makes these patients seek contact with close people and feel the need for closeness. They visit their friends more often, go to the doctors, even if they have not done it before, report various ailments. In addition to the need to “talk yourself out”, they often have a need to express their thoughts and want to take their own lives. Such people should be listened to carefully.

“Asking a depressed person if he has thoughts of suicide may make him commit the act, and even if he has thoughts of taking his own life, it won’t tell us the truth.”

Whether a depressed person will commit suicide is only his decision and asking about it will certainly not make him do it. Many patients are afraid to talk about their problem, so they even wait for him to ask so that they can talk about it. And it doesn’t have to be done by a doctor. This may be a close person who will be able to help and accompany the patient with treatment. We are often afraid to ask about it, because we do not know what to do, how to react when someone answers: “yes, I have suicidal thoughts.”

“A suicide wants to take his own life, so maybe he should not be saved, because sooner or later he will try to commit suicide again.”

Most people who attempt suicide do so out of a sense of helplessness and inability to cope with their own suffering, and thus cry out for help. Even when someone has a strong desire to take their own life, it is often temporary, and appropriate help and treatment can change that attitude.

Text: lek. Anna Zielińska; Department of Psychiatry of Developmental Age SPDSK in Warsaw

Literature:

1. Nobody’s Children Foundation www.fdn.pl

2. “Suicide Prevention” – a brochure published by WHO, the Ministry of National Education, the Ombudsman for Children, and the Polish Suicidological Society.