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In everyday life, as a rule, a much greater load lies on women’s shoulders than on men’s. Work, household chores, checking “homework” and educational processes … How to help mothers recover? What do they expect from others in difficult moments? Testimonials from our readers.
After six months without school, many children find it difficult to return to lessons, calls, discipline and full-fledged studies. Parents, in turn, after the worries of the “first wave” returned to work. Public transport is again crowded during peak hours, traffic jams on the roads. Many families experience financial “turbulence”.
Whatever one may say, the isolation of many knocked out of the usual rhythm of life. And returning to him was another stress factor. We talked to moms who have to check their lessons and do household chores after a full day of work and hours spent on the road in the evening. Most of them noted that family members, as a rule, do not understand how tired a woman comes home. But sometimes a little is enough for her to at least partially restore the resource of forces. And then, perhaps, there would have been no unnecessary disputes about “homework” and without “educational” cry, which mother herself would regret.
Yes, of course, taking care of yourself and your boundaries is the responsibility of the woman herself. But how often does she say that she is tired, but she is not very understood? And where is the border between “outweighing the role of a parent for a parent” and normal human compassion, the ability to empathize and the willingness to help a loved one? We have collected revelations from mothers of school-age children who talk about their feelings. So what do they need in order to take a breath and with love and joy to give time and strength to their beloved children?
“Rule of Baba Yaga”
Lera, 36 years old
“I am divorced and live with my sons. My day starts at 6:30 in the morning when I go to wash my face and then wake up the kids for school. In winter, it is difficult for them to wake up, and this process already requires my time and patience. Then I feed them breakfast and escort them to school – until I let one go across the road, but a neighbor picks them up in the afternoon. I go to work, the road takes more than an hour. At home in the evening, in the transport, I read the messages of parental chats that have accumulated during the day. Sometimes it seems that some simply have nothing to do, there is so much “water” there, not to figure out where the important thing is.
And earlier at home, boys attacked me from the threshold with complaints against each other. Either they fought, then they bit one another, then they tore the notebook, then they don’t know what was assigned, then they call me to school … I broke down so many times, and then I always blamed myself – I didn’t have enough patience, well, what kind of a vicious mother I am … But the strength to running out. I told them that I was tired, but these are children – how can you explain? Regret – and then continue …
And then I came up with a rule that they remember. We named it after a fairy tale – the rule of Baba Yaga. Remember? Do not ask a good fellow from the road about anything. First, steam in the bathhouse, then give food and drink and put to sleep. And then start talking. Pictures along with the boys were drawn like comics for each item. Signed and hung in the hallway. And they try, well done! I come – I hug them, then I go to wash, to come to my senses. Let’s eat together quietly, drink tea. Well, then we’ll have to sort out the conflicts, and there are lessons to test the forces.”
“No, I don’t want to do chemo after work.”
Daria, 39 years old
“I have two: one teenager, the second just went to school. Everyone has their own character, their own temperament. My husband is now working at home. It’s convenient, of course, he looks after them. But in the evening I come home from work around 8 – and all three actively want my attention. But first I taught their dad, and then my sons, using his example.
I need to give a cup of tea and allow half an hour to be alone in silence. And after that I am like a cucumber – cheerful, cheerful, ready to play and mess with them. And the lessons … No, I don’t want to do chemistry after work. And physics too. I don’t even understand her. And I don’t want to look at the destruction in the room. I want a cleaned room for my arrival, homework done and cartoons, well, or new videos on Youtube that they are ready to share with me.
Kira, 44 years old
“My husband is often on business trips, mostly I live alone with my daughter, she is already 15 years old. The work is stressful, everyone has solid nerves and deadlines. My daughter has already learned in a few years – for me there is nothing worse than homework that is “waiting” for my mother. I don’t want to do this at all, let her do it herself, and let her get deuces herself, if that. It is better to save your mother’s time for communication as much as possible.
I come home from work and sit down with pleasure to have dinner with her, drink tea, talk about the day. Well, here my requirement is simple – at this time put the phone aside. It is important for me that she does not “hang” in social networks, but communicates, eats – is present, in general, while we are sitting at the table together. Well, if I come completely exhausted … We have a favorite saying for such cases at home for a long time: “Darling, drink some wine!”
Marina, 38 years old
“Sometimes I arrive tired, on my feet all day and communicating with clients, and then I have to plow in the kitchen, make dinner, clean up and so on. And it’s better, of course, not to touch me at this moment, because I’m angry, hungry and tired. I have a husband and two sons. I already understood: of course, you should always talk about your fatigue, especially to men. They may not guess that I am nothing after a working day and a bunch of things. Yes, they always have to talk about everything aloud, they do not know how to guess, they are not always sensitive.
“I’m sorry to waste this joy on all sorts of nonsense”
Svetlana, 42 years old
“But my reflection is rather on the other side. Mom, as an adult conscious person, should plan and organize her coming home in such a way that it would be comfortable and pleasant for everyone, well, or neutral, in extreme cases. Because my deep conviction is that children should not understand anything for an adult. This is exactly the task of an adult – to agree on the rules. Like in that joke in which mom asks: when she has her “hat on her side”, sit in her room and not shine. Or wash the salad vegetables for her every Wednesday…
I even try to eat something on the way home, so that I can mess around with my gavriks. And it infuriates me when my husband says: “Don’t hang on to your mother, she will eat first …” He, of course, shows concern, in our favorite Soviet style. But while they are small and they are so happy about my arrival (how much longer?), That I am sorry to waste this joy on all sorts of nonsense.
“Then I realized for the first time how tired she was.”
Maria, 20 years old
“Mom always worked hard. In the evening, it happened, both on edge and on nerves. We fought, and then both regretted it. But in fact, she just needed a little rest and that no one could stand the brain. Once she came – and there was no face on her … I hugged her. We sat down and talked. She talked about her work day. That was the first time I realized how tired she was. It brought us closer.
Since then, I began to notice when she came exhausted, tried to cook dinner for us or make tea with sandwiches – and only after that dump my school problems on her. Now I understand that my mother taught me to notice the feelings of loved ones. And that’s important, isn’t it?”