A close relationship with parents is considered an ideal that every family aspires to. At the same time, when we destroy the border that separates us and turn into best friends, we lose something important. Our reader Elena spoke about her relationship with her mother, and psychoanalyst Marina Myaus commented on her story.
Mom was always proud that we were very close and could share everything with each other, she called me her girlfriend. When I turned 14, she considered me old enough to talk openly with me about men, the intricacies of relationships, and the pitfalls she faced. My father divorced my father quite early, and although she did not let me in on all the details of her sex life, I was uncomfortable with the fact that I knew so much about her romantic interests.
My friends envied me: from the outside it seemed that I had the best mother in the world. When we were teenagers, she could invite them to visit, communicate on an equal footing, allow them to use her cosmetics. In high school, many girls were banned from dating boys and from coming home after XNUMX:XNUMX p.m. All this was allowed to me. Once my friend even shared her first love experiences with her. Mom listened and gave advice. I was embarrassed: I would have preferred that we discussed all this with a friend in private.
When I had a young man at the age of 16, the first open conflict took place between me and my mother. I was not ready to talk about my feelings as frankly as she used to. It offended her. She believed that since she was open with me and trusted in everything, then I would behave the same way. But in relations with her, I seem to have a block to such conversations. I love my mother and expect warmth and support from her, but when she wants to know everything about me, it confuses and alienates me from her.
“A mother for a child is not a confidant, but a reliable rear”
Marina Myaus, psychoanalyst
It is no coincidence that the girl mentions that the lack of distance does not make her mother closer. Excessive frankness with a daughter breaks the necessary parent-child boundaries that give a sense of support and security in childhood and support adults while their parents are alive. When touching on the topic of sex, it is important to talk about protection, but not to touch on the intimate details of the life of either the mother or the daughter.
There can be many friends, but the mother is alone, and it is important for the parent to concentrate on becoming a reliable shoulder for the daughter, to provide support. The roles of mother and best friend are often confused by women who have given birth before the age of 25. The maternal instinct developed while the daughter was young, but now that she looks like an adult, and the mother is still young, it is difficult for her to accept that this is still her child who needs psychological protection.
The child finds himself on the same psychological level as the parent, understands that from now on he has no right to be weaker
The transformation of a daughter into a friend is also characteristic of divorced mothers. In this case, the mother often shares her experiences with the child, and for him it is too hard both in adolescence and in his youth. The child finds himself on the same psychological level as the parent, understands that from now on he has no right to be weaker, must take a position in the family conflict and is obliged to support his mother.
It is important for children, both girls and boys, to see in their mother not a confidant with whom one can share the intricacies of relationships with the opposite sex, but, above all, a reliable rear, a person who can always find peace, kindness and consolation.