Two cease to be husband and wife, but forever remain the parents of common children. What can they do to make change less painful? Recommendations of the child and family psychologist Irina Moroz.
Divorce is parting not only with people, but also with dreams of a desired future for adults and with the usual world order for children. It is, of course, a crisis. “But following the idea that divorce is bound to hurt children, many couples continue to live in a marriage full of conflict, alienation or neglect,” notes psychologist Irina Moroz. Divorce is seen as a greater evil than raising children in an unsafe environment.
“Trauma is not always one terrible event that disrupts the rest of life,” the psychologist clarifies, “sometimes a permanent deficit of something important leads to trauma: emotional involvement, responsiveness of an adult.” On the other hand, is one big event — divorce — always traumatic? What can we do to make divorce become just a part of the child’s story, in which parents remain caring, stable adults, and choose for themselves the continuation of life that meets their values? Here is what Irina Moroz suggests.
Announce the news together. And to all the children at the same time, so that none of them feel like a keeper of a secret, not be isolated from brothers and sisters.
Pick a moment. Do not talk to children immediately before going to bed, on the eve of the test, on the threshold before leaving. Do not leave your child alone all day with this news. Choose a quiet environment, avoiding crowded places. Take enough time for everyone to express emotions (confusion, fear, pain, resentment, bewilderment …), ask questions. But do not enter into a debate with the children about whether the adults made the right decision: it is not useful for the child to think that the relationship of the parents depends on his opinion.
Say they’re not to blame for the divorce. It often seems to children that parents are getting divorced because they did not study well, did not obey, were “not like that”. Reiterate that they are not at fault and have done nothing that could lead to a divorce, and also cannot do anything to keep their parents together.
Check your condition. If you don’t feel strong enough to tell your children about the divorce without anger in your voice or sobbing, take care of yourself first. Not burdening children with your experiences is an important task, not only during a divorce. But don’t pretend that everything is fine: the kids should hear that you’re sorry, but divorce is the best possible solution. Do not disclose personal reasons for the divorce (“Dad has a mistress!”). Children should not become witnesses to the life of a parent couple.
Explain the situation of the children as soon as possible. Tell them where they will live when they see their father, mother. Children need to have guidelines for the future life.
Agree, involving, if necessary, an intermediary (psychotherapist, mediator), about education. There is no joint custody in Russia, so you will need to decide with whom the child will stay and how you will distribute parental responsibilities. With whom will the child live permanently, where, when and under what circumstances will he meet with the second parent? How will you distribute the costs of clothing, food, medical treatment, education and recreation?
Remember things change with timeand the children are growing. It is not worth transporting an infant to another home for the weekend and separating it from the main caring adult. And an older preschooler can go on vacation for a week with one of the parents.
Contact your family for help. They can make life a lot easier for a divorced parent. It is worth weighing the pros and cons of how soon to invite a nanny to your child: a new adult, a new relationship, an additional burden. Although it is very important to invite a babysitter and go to the cinema.
Take your time to introduce your child to new lovers. Often children attribute the blame for the breakup to the new partner of one of the parents. If an early acquaintance cannot be avoided, do not demand manifestations of sympathy from the child; for the first time, politeness is enough.
Set new boundaries. Don’t spend time with your child and ex-partner. This will give rise to the illusion that everything is still the same. But you should not create difficulties for the child when his parents cannot meet at his birthday party (and sometimes at the wedding) without a quarrel.
Share new information about children. Don’t talk about other topics if it’s hard… It can be useful to make a general schedule, confirm plans by e-mail or in messengers (times, dates, clarifications…). The written form often helps to make the dialogue constructive.
All family members need time to process conflict and separation.
Be punctual. If you are late for a meeting or pick-up-return of children, this becomes a source of unnecessary conflicts. It is especially important to make the appointment schedule clear to the child, taking care of predictability. Do not try to make a holiday out of every meeting, at first it is better to gently integrate into the child’s mode.
Show kindness. Don’t criticize your ex in front of the kids. The more the child is included in your conflict, the less likely he is to get away with it. Do not shield, but do not demonize the image of the former partner. The more independent the child’s relationship with each of you will be, the less likely it is to get stuck in the parents’ divorce.
Remember that you can not divorce a child. Divorce is a matter for adults. Avoid phrases like «he left us.» These words inspire the child with guilt for what happened.
Never pass messages through children. They should not play the role of an intermediary between parents: this means assigning them the role of arbiter, imposing an unbearable conflict of loyalties, giving children a place that is not intended for them. Adults should take responsibility, it is not a child’s business to bear it.
Consult with expertsif you observe a persistent change in the mood or behavior of the child. Short-term regression (stopped doing what he had already learned), unwanted behavior (disobedience, whining, whims), and, oddly enough, unusual autonomy and independence — all this can be a reaction to stress.
It is worth contacting a psychologist if the child does not return to his usual behavior after a month. Usually, if the experience is not complicated (by feelings of guilt, conflict of loyalty, a sense of responsibility for the fate of the parental relationship), it takes about a year for the child to fully adapt to the changes.
Give time to yourself and others. All family members need time to process conflict and breakup, so that everyone finds their place in the new family configuration, so that the wounds heal. By reminding yourself of this, you will be able to keep your bearings during this difficult period.