English courses, dancing, meeting friends in cafes, traveling… In the busy life of modern grandparents, there is not always time for grandchildren. What is it – their selfishness or a natural desire to finally live for themselves?
“Mom likes to complain that she doesn’t see my children much,” Larisa, 30, says ironically. “However, when I ask her to be with them on the weekend, she has more important things to do – she goes to the pool, then to the premiere at the theater …”
Olga, an energetic 56-year-old grandmother, frankly admits that she is not ready to devote herself entirely to her three-year-old grandson: “My son and daughter-in-law work, get tired, so I try to take my grandson on days off or on holidays to give them a break. But the rest of the time the child is taken care of by a nanny. My husband and I are still quite young, active and both love our work. Why should we leave her? The salary allows you to travel twice a year. We raised two children, now it’s their turn to raise their own. And we want to see the world!”
More and more women and men over 50 are leading active lives today. Especially a lot of them among residents of large cities. Family psychologist Grazhina Budinaite explains it this way: “In Soviet times, most often three or even four generations of a family lived together. And not only because of the housing issue. Wars, repressions, material and everyday difficulties – the family could survive only by uniting. Now many have wealth, it is no longer a rarity when children live separately from their parents and do not depend on them financially.
In addition, the time of old age, the time of illness and helplessness, comes much later. Approaching retirement age, this generation no longer feels like old people. Particularly striking in this sense are the changes that have taken place with women. “They have a higher level of education than their peers in previous generations, they are emancipated, it is already difficult to perceive them in the form of a grandmother from our childhood,” emphasizes Anna Kazakova, a Jungian analyst.
And yet, when parents choose to go on vacation abroad or take evening classes instead of doing homework with their grandchildren after school, their adult children are offended, believing their behavior is selfish. Is it really?
The right to choose
The situation is ambiguous. “Giving up your dreams, desires and devoting yourself to your grandchildren – assuming this, you should understand that we are talking about a sacrifice,” Anna Kazakova is sure.
“For most of their lives, grandparents did not have enough time and energy for themselves, for their interests and hobbies,” says psychologist Marina Kasyanova. “And now, when the burden of caring for children no longer lies on them, they strive to gain what they once received less from life, to realize missed opportunities. And grandchildren are more of a joy, a pleasure. The older generation has the unconditional right to invest in their upbringing as much as they want.”
In addition, experts emphasize that modern grandparents themselves are often in a second or third marriage. They live separately from their children, and some of them spend all their time and energy on the well-being of their new family.
A paradox arises. The older generation wants to live differently, in a new way. And their children uphold traditional ideas about the duties of elders in the family. Marina Kasyanova says that at the meetings she leads at the Parents’ Club, young mothers and fathers often share their grievances: they need help and do not receive it. “I think their expectations sometimes show an unwillingness to take on a new role as parents and be responsible for their own children.” But there are other reasons as well.
The boundaries of devotion
Grandparents have to set the boundaries of intra-family relations and even defend them. At the same time, they often feel guilty, because they are not completely sure of their right to say “no” to their children.
“When my daughter asked me to take my granddaughter to the sports section twice a week, I refused,” says 61-year-old Alla. – Although I am retired, the “obligation” depresses me, and I don’t want to feel like a “servicing staff”. It was not easy for me to tell my daughter about this, but nevertheless we were able to understand each other. In the end, everything was settled: their neighbor quite copes with this work for a small fee. And as a grandmother, I see my task in developing my granddaughter. Taking her to the museum, to the theater – I like it. But then, when it is convenient for me to do it.
For many grandparents, as well as for Alla, it is important to choose how and when they will take care of their grandchildren. It’s one thing to appreciate and cherish family relationships, it’s another thing to take on a new load of obligations and restrictions.
Older family members want to live in a new way, and their children insist that they fulfill their traditional duties
But not all children, like Alla’s daughter, can accept their parents’ refusal to help them. 32-year-old Eva recalls: “When she first saw my son, my mother first cooed over him, after which she said: “I hope you don’t expect me to spend all my time with him now, provide weekends, vacations and the like?” It’s like I got a slap in the face! It’s as if she didn’t even refuse him – from me! And now, three years later, resentment does not leave Eva.
The indifference (real or perceived) of a grandparent to grandchildren can resurrect old childhood wounds, a former feeling of abandonment. According to Anna Kazakova, at the moment when older parents express their conditions for communicating with their grandchildren, their adult children, more often daughters, feel severe pain precisely because this situation reminds them of something experienced a long time ago, in childhood.
“This experience may hide, first of all, the unfinished conflict between mother and daughter. Grandchildren in this case are not a reason, but a cause. Demanding attention to them, the daughter may try to compensate for the lack of love from which she suffered in childhood.
Taking care of their grandchildren, grandparents can correct the mistakes that they once made in relation to their own child, restore balance in the relationship between fathers and children. But if you do not take this chance, the same traumatic pattern will be reproduced again and may provoke a new painful conflict.
Let’s not forget that, having become a mother, a woman is going through one of the most difficult periods in her life. The narcissistic picture of the world is overturned, and she finds herself alone with a new responsibility, which may be beyond her strength. Hence the desire to rely on her parents, who would help her regain faith in herself, more confidently stand on her feet.
Enter into a contract
Without parental support, their adult children may feel left out. But few people realize that the active participation of grandparents in the upbringing of grandchildren is not the best solution to the situation.
“There is a confusion of roles,” explains Grazyna Budinaite. – It is not very clear to a child who a grandmother is: if it is she who brings him up, then for him she is also partly a mother? And his real mother and father simultaneously act as children who must obey the rules dictated by the older generation. Marina Kasyanova also cites this argument when working with young parents: “When I ask them if they want to be in the role of “younger parents”, it turns out that no one agrees to this. And from this it follows that it would still be better for them to take responsibility for the children themselves.
Our experts are convinced that the best way to resolve such a conflict is to establish family rules, negotiate, taking into account the needs of each party and adjusting them depending on the circumstances.
“It is worth discussing together when and under what conditions grandparents will help,” Marina Kasyanova clarifies. How many days in advance do they need to be warned that help is needed, because they also need to plan their affairs. Such clarity in relations takes the edge off the situation.” Responsibility for the upbringing of children, of course, lies primarily with the parents, and grandparents play only a supporting – albeit very important – role. According to the psychologist, spending time on themselves, they are doing the right thing, because “in order to be able to help, you need to be strong yourself, save strength for this.” The better the older members of the family feel, the more secure in the long run their children and grandchildren can count on them.
“Children should learn to feel the fatigue or unwillingness of their parents to do something right now,” adds Grazhyna Budinaite. “They have the right to count on their services from time to time, but not on systematic assistance.” Anna Kazakova calls such relationships the most favorable. And not only for the family as a whole, but also for the grandparents themselves: “After fifty, we often have a desire to realize what we could not do before. A person has a need to understand what he himself is and what his desires really are. And it’s wonderful that modern life gives many of us the opportunity to go in search of ourselves.”