Contents
In the morning he arranged a meeting with a friend or with his beloved, but in the evening he did not come, having stopped responding to messages and calls. This new way of parting “ghosts” is completely satisfied: they themselves do not feel remorse, and do not think about the experiences of others. Why is this phenomenon so common today?
“We were going to go to the Canary Islands together in a month…”, “Next week he promised to meet my parents”, “We met for three months, she introduced me to her friends, and everything was wonderful…” These stories have a different beginning, but they end the same way: “… And then he (she) suddenly just disappeared!”
The Americans came up with a special word for these “disappeared” – “ghost”. There was a close person in your life – and one (not perfect) day fell through the ground. No, he did not go missing, did not become a victim of an accident or a poltergeist. Everything is fine with them, it’s just that without explanation he disappeared from your life: he no longer answers calls and messages, he doesn’t open the door for you, and he is no longer among your friends on social networks. Such a disappearance can happen after a few dates, or maybe after several years of living side by side. “Ghosts” are becoming a mass phenomenon, at least in America, where it is increasingly being written about in newspapers and discussed on social networks. Even stars become victims of ghost lovers. Recently, Sean Penn himself suffered – his girlfriend, no less famous Charlize Theron, suddenly cut off all contacts with him.
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Paradoxes of digital communication
Of course, the “ghost” strategy is not new, but with the advent of new technologies, it is gaining momentum more and more. This is the paradox of our time: text messages, gChat, Twitter, DMs, Viber, Skype, on the one hand, allow you to be in touch all the time and not lose each other. And on the other hand, when all these wonderful opportunities suddenly close tightly and the partner disappears from all radars, this makes the pain unbearable for the one who was left behind.
At all times, men and women have been attracted to each other by passion, reflects the author of the Vox portal Alex Abad-Santos (Alex Abad-Santos). But with the advent of modern means of communication, it has taken on new forms: with partners (real or potential) we communicate online no less, if not more, than face to face. We are constantly in touch – and this provokes difficulties in relationships. Having lost his head, the lover endlessly calls the object of his passion, scribbles text messages and messages on social networks – and with this pressure provokes his partner to flee.
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In addition, digital communication is changing the style of communication between us, it becomes more impersonal. We can spend a day, or two, or three, without talking to a single person “live”, but at the same time corresponding with many people using a smartphone or computer. Many of us literally forget the basic rules of communication. And it’s not at all obvious that you need to somehow explain yourself to the person you no longer want to meet. Anna Sale, a New York Public Radio journalist, develops this idea in The New York Times: “We find it harder and harder to decide on unpleasant explanations face to face, it is much easier to disappear, “forgetting” to tell a partner that you are breaking up with him. , and hoping that over time the problem will resolve itself.
Pavel Basinsky
“Lev Tolstoy. Escape from Paradise”
Pavel Basinsky wrote an investigation of Tolstoy’s departure – balanced, deep, based on memories and documents, infinitely sympathetic to the participants in the events, trying to find the reasons for his suicidal escape in relations with his wife, Chertkov, peasants, followers, literature.
Ghosts and their victims
The New York Times gives the floor to the “ghosts” themselves, and it becomes clear that they can have a variety of motives1. Thus, the actress and active Twitter user, 36-year-old Jenny Molen, told her boyfriend, whom she had been dating for three months, that her grandmother had died; the funeral became an excuse to disappear from his life. Although, in truth, my grandmother died much earlier. “I didn’t know how else to get out of this relationship,” she says. – Once he came at night and began to bang on my door, but I did not open. When you disappear like this, you don’t see how a person suffers.”
Another “ghost”, 25-year-old trading company employee Joe Stahl, admitted that he chose to disappear after one quarrel with a friend whom he had been dating for a year. “I saw that he was irritated in me by those features that I cannot change in myself. It was very bitter to realize that I could not be what he wants me to be. And I just deserted.”
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The press is full of testimonies of those who have been abandoned, telling what suffering their disappeared lovers brought to them. Hojane.com author Victoria Carter even encourages people to join her Citizens Against the Disappeared campaign. “When someone disappears from my life without explanation, all that remains for me is to consider a million versions of why a person does not want to be with me! But I’m not a damn telepath who can read other people’s thoughts! she is outraged.
However, there are those who protect the “ghosts”. For example, journalist Amanda Hess titled her article on slate.com: “In defense of the sneaks: an elegant way to end a relationship.” She herself had to be both in the role of a “ghost” and in the role of his victim. “For me, an unanswered message is much better than a lengthy, reasoned breakup announcement,” she writes with obvious defiance.
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Passive-aggressive strategy
The phenomenon of “disappearing” has also interested psychologists. Moreover, in their practice they themselves encounter “ghost” clients who suddenly interrupt therapy without bothering to warn about it and explain the reason. “To stop seeing a psychotherapist without any explanation is, of course, easier than to disappear from a partner’s life,” says Elisabeth Joy LaMotte, director of the Center for Psychotherapy in Washington2. Not without reason, many psychotherapists sign a contract with clients, which, among other things, spells out the conditions for terminating therapy: if the client decides to interrupt therapy, he undertakes to inform the therapist about this and then come to another final meeting. This is important both for the psychotherapist (after all, in the event of an unexpected disappearance of the client, he continues to bear moral responsibility for him), and for the client, who sums up the therapy at the final meeting, notes Elizabeth Joy LaMotte.
She also has her own observations about the “ghosts” who abandon their lovers. Very often, only during therapy do they begin to realize how much their disappearance can hurt a former partner. And almost always, their behavior is associated with relationships in their parental family. This early childhood experience largely explains why a person chooses the “ghost” strategy.
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At the same time, the psychotherapist admits, in modern society, any separation is becoming more and more a problem. We have forgotten how to say goodbye, this puts us in a difficult position. Even when moving to a new place, not all of us consider it necessary to say goodbye to colleagues with whom we have worked side by side for more than one year. “Our experience of direct, live communication is gradually narrowing,” says Elizabeth Joy LaMotte. – We are ready to tell dozens, hundreds of friends in social networks about ourselves. Meanwhile, it is becoming increasingly difficult for us to build close relationships with real, not virtual people.
Meanwhile, she emphasizes, the experience of ending a relationship is very important for us, it gives impetus to the development of our personality. We express respect for the other person and at the same time affirm our right to make an independent decision. Therefore, the passive-aggressive strategy of the “ghost” is nothing more than a missed opportunity for internal growth.
1 For details, see V. Safronova, “Exes explain ghosting, the ultimate silent treatment,” The New York Times, online publication June 26, 2015.
2 For more information see E. LaMotte “The psychology behind ghosting” at huffingtonpost.com