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Six psychotherapists spoke about what each of them considers unacceptable for a specialist in their field of psychotherapy.
In family therapy
«He sides with one of the family members»
Parents and children, sometimes grandparents, usually come to the sessions together. And there is always a risk that the therapist will give preference to one of the family members, his point of view, his position, considering him, for example, the victim of the rest of the group. In fact, everyone in the family is interconnected, and everyone is not only influenced by others, but also provokes their reactions.
Therefore, it is unacceptable for the therapist to take the side of one of the family members, guided by the ideas of seeming justice: for example, protecting children from their «authoritarian» parents or supporting one of the spouses. By doing this, he will only cause harm, exacerbating the position of family members. The romantic lifeguard in the role of family therapist is worse than the non-professional.
In child psychotherapy
«He blames his parents»
They turn to us to help the child. But his difficulties, his experiences are often associated with the style of behavior of parents, their attitudes towards education.
However, the therapist should by no means blame them for this. Otherwise, they will take their son or daughter out of the office and the child cannot be helped. The goal of therapy is to pinpoint exactly what is causing the difficulties and find a way to deal with them. And at the same time help parents realize the power of their influence on the feelings of the child.
In sexuality therapy
«He gives advice»
The cause of difficulties in the sexual sphere often lies in the difficult relationship between partners. Knowing this, it is completely unacceptable to give «advice» like «Get a divorce!» or «You need sexual experience on the side.»
If you hear this, stop therapy immediately. No specialist has the right to push the patient to make a decision by imposing their values on him. Only the person himself can determine what is useful for him and how he needs to act.
In psychoanalysis
«He manipulates the transfer»
Feeling for your analyst, unconsciously engaging him in habitual relationships… Such transference is a natural part of the process of psychoanalysis. Example: if the patient is prone to seduction, sooner or later this will manifest itself in the relationship with the analyst. And he may succumb to and even emotionally respond to this transference — most often this happens unconsciously — instead of making it the object of an analytical study.
Such a reaction is caused by the personal characteristics of the patient. However, real problems arise when the psychotherapist’s personal «weaknesses» are imperceptibly connected to this, for example, his unconscious desire to seduce, to please. If these «weaknesses» are imperceptibly woven into the fabric of the analytic relationship and seduction on the part of the patient is supplemented or provoked by seduction on the part of the analyst, such transference manipulation is likely to lead to interruption of therapy.
In behavioral and cognitive psychotherapy
«He’s formal»
We invite the patient to try new ways of behaving and communicating, looking for those that best suit his needs. To do this, we recommend exercises and role-plays.
The therapist must understand very well what task is best for the patient at this stage of therapy, what he is already ready for, and what he cannot do yet. If you get the impression that the therapist is not involved in the process and is content with memorized schemas, think about it. It may not be bad therapy, but it certainly isn’t behavioral or cognitive therapy.
All types of psychotherapy
Boris Tsiryulnik: «He is sure he knows the truth»
I once believed that the most educated psychotherapist with many diplomas and regalia should achieve the best results. Now, forty years later, I think we heal far more with ourselves than with what we know. I remember one desperate student who had manic states. Several sessions of classical psychoanalysis with a respected specialist almost brought her to disaster.
Experiencing terrible suffering, she decided to go over to the camp of opponents of psychoanalysis. The behaviorist, in a few sessions and using very small doses of Prozac, clearly improved her condition. She returned to her studies, successfully passed her exams and today continues to explore herself and discover her possibilities … with another psychoanalyst!
As soon as two souls are close, communication arises. But there can also be harmful «setups»: when the patient takes a strange pleasure in pushing his therapist to fail in treatment, when two personalities do not fit together, when the patient feels safe with an authoritarian therapist that another would not tolerate.
The most common vice among psychotherapists is adherence to the dogma “I am the one who knows the truth. If you want to get well, obey.» But more often, affective connections arise in communication, difficult moments that later turn out to be fruitful — this is a mutual “tuning” that needs to be worked out, put into words. And then psychotherapy will be an exciting adventure for you that will help you open up.