To blurt out offensive words in the hearts, and then repent, take revenge on the offender and suffer from guilt — do you know this? Psychologist Jill Sutty explains how mindfulness can help reduce conflict and make it easier to resolve.
I still remember hitting a friend. This happened many years ago. We were leaving chemistry class, he was teasing me. I asked several times to stop, but he did not stop. I should have ignored him, but instead I slapped his arm. We were both taken aback, then I was very ashamed.
Many allow themselves to release anger and then regret it. Anger has destructive power. When we react with yelling, swearing, or physical aggression, it only exacerbates the conflict and ruins the relationship. The results of new research say that the problem can be solved with the help of mindfulness.
Psychologist David Destino conducted a study in which participants were divided into two groups. Members of the first practiced mindfulness for three weeks: they learned to focus on breathing and sensations in the body, monitor thoughts and treat experiences neutrally, without making judgments. The second group trained to solve problems for the development of cognitive functions. Later, the participants took a test to assess cognitive control, which, among other things, is responsible for the ability to restrain unwanted behavior. After that, they had to give a short presentation about their goals. Participants were unaware that the «random» listener was the researcher. Regardless of the content of the presentation, he made critical comments about the participant.
Next, the researchers measured how angry the participants were at the criticisms, and then asked each person to prepare a tasting sample for the person who criticized their presentation. There were several ingredients to choose from, one of which was a very hot sauce. By the amount of sauce, the researchers assessed whether the participants wanted to cause harm.
If your blood pressure rises during a family quarrel, you will act more hostile
It turned out that those who meditated added less hot sauce to the dish for their critic. At the same time, a psychological assessment showed that participants in both groups were equally angry due to unfair criticism. In other words, the meditating participants were less prone to revenge. It is noteworthy that a decrease in the desire for retribution is not associated with the development of cognitive control. David Destino suggests that mindfulness works «from the bottom up». People do not have to consciously hold back, awareness itself reduces the desire to harm.
Psychologist Jonathan Kimmes decided to find out how this quality helps to cope with conflicts in marriage. The researchers asked couples to complete a questionnaire to assess each partner’s level of awareness. The subjects were then connected to devices measuring blood pressure and recording an electrocardiogram, and then asked to discuss a family problem. It turned out that partners with a higher level of awareness showed better indicators of heart rate variability and lower blood pressure. They were better able to maintain their composure during conflicts, which reduced levels of aggression and health risks.
“If your pressure rises during a family fight, you will act more hostile and express feelings in a more aggressive manner,” explains Jonathan Kimmes. Also, when we are spoken to in a calmer tone and less provocative language, our heart rate slows down. It turns out that reducing the number of conflicts in a relationship is easier than we used to think. Maybe worth a try?
Source: Greater Good Magazine.