Mikhail Labkovsky: “Freedom is a matter of psychological health”

Other people’s expectations

For some, it starts from the cradle: they wanted a boy, but it turned out to be a girl, they expected that the heir would be a straight A student, but they got a typical C student, they dreamed that their daughter would play the piano, and their son would receive some kind of sports category, but the children turned out to be not inclined. Much is expected of us from childhood, and even the most progressive parents often do not realize that they are always demanding something from their children.

“You must be the way I want you to be” is a common message that many people receive while still in school. Well, then comes the institute, the arrangement of personal life, the birth of their children. On the «subcortex», like a stamp, the idea remains — to translate into reality not your own, but other people’s expectations.

Many children were simply not taught to choose. Mom decided what to wear, what to have for breakfast, what hobbies to choose (“What kind of games are in the yard?! Go read a book!”). As a result, there are two scenarios: either a person has been trying all his life to become “good”, to meet parental hopes, or he rebels against this dictate and again lives completely different from what he always dreamed of.

What do we see as a result? An unloved job, a family for which a person was not ready. Many even choose their life partners not with their hearts, but with their heads (moreover, someone else’s), although they are ready to swear that this is not so. And from them, too, they begin to always demand something. For example, that the wife, a passionate female scientist, stay at home and raise children, and not spend her days in the laboratory. Or a husband who works as an ordinary manager and is satisfied with everything, certainly made a career and became rich.

Escape

Many of us are unable to listen to ourselves. We could live as we please, if we had at least some idea of ​​what we like. But instead, we adopt other people’s recipes for happiness. And not necessarily from the parents — the media, the media, advertising, the environment are trying. I want to achieve success in the generally accepted sense, or at least keep up with the team. For example, get married on time, get a chair of the head, have children, and so on.

Oddly enough, often our inner nature still takes its toll. People who are psychologically unprepared for a family get divorced after such a “planned marriage” upon reaching a certain age or start running away. Their whole life becomes not an existence in harmony and happiness, but eternal escapism — i.e. avoidance: either they pile themselves up with things to turn off their heads and not think about anything, or they go into computer games, parties, drinking, overeating, and so on.

People need some sort of compensation for living in a self-built prison, and they look for it in addictions. From relationships, shopping, TV shows. And they themselves usually say so: they say, at work, a madhouse, a bastard husband, a vixen’s wife, but when I come home, my favorite program or an unread novel is waiting for me there, and this is at least something. Or “We’ll live to see the vacation, then it will be, albeit short, but some kind of real life.”

Live without compromise

For those who have existed in captivity since childhood, life consists entirely of compromises. They are always ready to object: “What freedom? But what about responsibility? I have a family, children, I just have to pay for water and electricity.” And this is their explanation of why for many years now they have been doing something they do not like and have been building the same gloomy, uninteresting plans for the future.

The good news is that this can be ended. And not sometime later, but right now. Many people ask me: “Mikhail, what if I don’t want to go to work?” I answer like this: “If you don’t want to today, don’t go. If you don’t want to tomorrow either, stay at home, you won’t get anything for it. But if for a whole week you have been breaking down at the thought of an office, then it’s time to think — do you need it in principle?

It is important to understand that another life, the one when everything is high for you, pleasure at work, and harmony at home, is quite real. Moreover, it will require much less effort and expense from you than the one you live now. When you do what you like, you don’t get tired at all. This type of activity does not take away strength, but on the contrary, gives energy. In this scenario, you will achieve more both in terms of money and in terms of status. Because you will be in your place, living your realities, and not serving other people’s expectations.

Path to freedom

It’s really just a matter of getting into the habit of doing what you love, doing what makes you happy, surrounding yourself with people you really enjoy. And always, not from time to time. A habit, as you know, is formed in 21 days, but if you are not used to freedom since childhood, then you will have to make an effort on yourself.

You will go through resistance, the psyche will slip, asking you to return to the usual scenario. But this is a good indicator: if it becomes a little more difficult than before, it means that the changes have taken place, the old neural connections are broken, and new ones appear in their place.

Freedom is not a philosophical question. This is a matter of mental health and well-being. People who live the way they like do not conflict with this world, do not defend their interests in it, fighting with everyone in a row. Moreover, they are not at war with themselves. They just live happily. Their complexes go away, internal contradictions are resolved. Everything becomes smooth and clear.