Midlife crisis: when to expect and how to survive?

I was 35 years old. A couple of years ago, a son was born, the business is booming, her beloved husband and daughter are nearby, her parents are alive and well. But in all this well-being, no, no, yes, an inexplicable longing rolled over, creeping into the most comfortable corners of my life. With a slight touch of grayness, by inertia, I continued my usual life: I raised children, conducted trainings, went on trips.

But the raid spread wider and deeper, capturing not only relationships with others, but also undermining the foundation of the foundations — the prevailing idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthe self. And a couple of years after the birth of another son, despite all the practices that support the spirit and body (yoga, osteopaths, psychotherapy), I found myself in a state of complete surrender to life.

The meaning of all habitual actions was completely lost. I did not understand how I ended up in this marriage, with this number of children, in this profession. Looking back, I saw only missed opportunities and bad decisions. Looking ahead, she could not see a single exciting goal — only a vague prospect of routine work, illness, old age of parents, age crises of growing children. The condition was aggravated by the fact that there was not a single socially approved, respected reason to be dissatisfied. I had a family, work and opportunities to relax, go on trips, meet friends, get treated, after all.

Apparently, you can’t be prepared for this. You can read books about the midlife crisis, diagnose yourself, you can even congratulate yourself on the fact that you are not late in your development and are following the schedule outlined above. But all this does not save you from the feeling of complete personal failure and the meaninglessness of life, which covers you and does not let go.

So when exactly will it cover? In fact, no one knows for sure. Some psychologists believe that from 30 to 40 or 50. Some expand these boundaries to 60. Life expectancy is changing, WHO has changed the boundaries of youth, shifting them to 44 years. So «nasty, brutal and short-lived» is now long. And somehow we need to cope with this, because there are no options for living without a crisis — for those who live to middle age.

What is the meaning of this crisis? In the excellent book by James Hollis, it is called «the pass in the middle of the road.» This is the moment when we find ourselves at the top, from which the path traveled is clearly visible and a picture of the future opens up. The future, as before, is not clear, but now it has become foreseeable. We begin to fully feel that our path has an ending. Life ceases to be infinite, we have to take responsibility for how the rest will pass.

Do you remember that in childhood and adolescence it seemed that we were special? That we will not grow old, we will not die, that the problems that adults around us will not affect us, that everything will be different for us, that we will achieve amazing results and overcome all troubles. Remember? In the middle of the journey, we suddenly realize that we have not been able to conquer age and, it seems, will no longer reach the heights that we claimed in our youth. We make the «discovery» of the finiteness of life, while realizing that the models and values ​​that we previously relied on were received from society and parents.

Having played the usual roles by the middle of life, we ask ourselves a whole series of questions: who am I? What do I really want? What goals do I achieve?

When I tried to answer them, it took me a lot of courage to take an honest look at myself. And along with an honest answer, pain came — the pain of that part of the soul that was in the shadow, not recognized, forgotten, devalued. For some reason it turned out to be insignificant, unimportant. With longing I began to recall unrealized ideas, missed opportunities, plans. I literally thought about the fact that “never in my youth will I live in Paris”, about who I could become, but I definitely won’t become, about who I really am.

It was a painful revision of ideas about herself, a search for her personal, individual values. At the same time, I fell into the devaluation of what had been achieved, typical of a crisis, and only miraculously did not destroy the existing business and significant relationships. Because at this moment, as James Hollis writes, “regardless of our desire, a mysterious process takes place inside us — a return to the self, which is often accompanied by external symptoms: depression, boredom, loss of meaning, depreciation of our achievements.” An attempt to suppress or ignore the ever-increasing internal pressure, to ignore the birth of a «new self» leads either to anxiety or depression.

What is it that requires our close attention? What is trying to reach us? In the Jungian approach, this part of the personality is called the Shadow. Shade is not necessarily a bad quality. This is all unrealized, unclaimed, including our creative abilities or strong emotions that are outside the field of consciousness — anger, aggression, resentment.

If a person begins to unconsciously «release» them, it can be traumatic for him and those around him. But with conscious elaboration, the Shadow can become a source of creative energy and new discoveries. It is the Shadow that causes anxiety when it is realized and depression when it is suppressed.

Jung explains the existence of the Shadow by the uneven development of the personality. In the process of becoming, some of our qualities turn out to be more in demand and developed (dominant), while others are not used or used little. These Jung calls the subordinate function.

In fact, the midlife crisis is the time when it is time to release the subordinate function. It is sad, but it is the successes achieved at this moment that can become a limiter for the holistic development of the individual. That is why we see cases of a sharp rejection of the usual way of life, career changes, the collapse of the family.

Often a person does not understand how to integrate what he has already achieved success into new tasks, and simply gives up his successful part in the name of a shadow part.

I think the main thing for us at this moment is to find a meaningful goal for the rest of the way. This search can take a long time. In my case, it took about five years to crystallize the goal, during which I studied chaotically: either decoupage, then singing, then body practices, then coaching, then yoga. It was as if I was getting to know myself again — I suddenly started writing lyrics, then I remembered that I had already done it in my youth, suddenly I sang, played the violin, returned to psychology and along the way acquired a lot of new interesting acquaintances in various fields.

I am still in a crisis, but I am gradually emerging from it, integrating chaotically acquired knowledge and skills into the practice of a psychotherapist, journalism, and creativity in training work.

James Hollis writes that the task of every person at the moment of crisis is to find for himself the meaning of what is happening to him, to see the value in it and try to use it for the benefit of the birth of his renewed personality. It is necessary to answer the question: “Who am I really and why do I live?”. But first, it is important to recognize that there is no going back. There is no way back to youth, there is no way to turn to your parents so that they somehow fix everything. You need to find the real you. What can help? What is important to remember?

• Introspection. It is important to recognize the unjustifiedness of some expectations and boldly face reality. Yes, there will be no more «adults» who will come and save. Now you are an adult yourself. First of all, for yourself.
• It would be good to turn to a psychotherapist who will support you, help you go through a difficult emotional stage and cope with the main task — “to know yourself”.
• It is important to avoid total devaluation and the desire to destroy everything at once.
• Remember that life is a process. Yes, we need to sum up, but we also need a new plan.
• If possible, find the type of physical activity (any) that brings you real pleasure.
• Do not forget that the crisis has a positive moment. It is the death of the old personality and the birth of a new one, using the possibilities that have gone into the shadows.
• For a marriage, this can be a difficult test, but if you interfere with a partner in changes, you will either get a depressed person next to you, or accelerate the breakdown of the marriage, which will obviously begin to slow down the personal growth of one of you.
• It is ineffective to analyze someone else’s experience, to imitate a certain guru. Each of us has our own individual path, because our goal is to start living our own life. Ask others less, ask yourself more.

You can console yourself with the fact that the second half of life makes it possible to rely on the mistakes and conclusions of the first. We can already consciously choose, we know exactly what works for us and what works against us. We still have the strength to fight for ourselves and for the life that interests us — for the life in which we will meet ourselves real, whole and satisfied.