Is there a so-called midlife crisis? How does it manifest itself and does it affect everyone? Who suffers more from it: men or women? Our experts answer these questions and more and provide reassurance that this turning point in life holds unique opportunities.
Psychologies: Does a mid-life crisis, also known as a “mid-life crisis”, really exist?
Kristof Fore, psychotherapist: A crisis in the proper sense of the word happens only to a few people who “fly off the coils” and do strange things, ruining their lives. The vast majority of the crisis does not occur. Instead, one can speak of a transition process that many experience in silence and even with a sense of shame. Like adolescence, these years are the turning point of life, whether recognized as such or not.
Dmitry Leontiev, psychologist: The point of view of the American psychotherapist Adam Blatner is closer to me. He believes that each of us goes through two initiations in our lives, two moments when we have to rebuild our relationship with the world. The first is when we, having become teenagers, discover that we are able to influence this world, change it. And this discovery is a serious challenge, it takes a lot of effort and time to understand how to deal with it. And at the time of the mid-life crisis, we understand that, on the contrary, not everything is already subject to us, that we are unlikely to have time to realize many of our plans. We are aware of the limitations of our resources, we are starting to treat them more responsibly.
We seem to feel the lack of something necessary to achieve completeness.
Is it true that the crisis affects women more than men?
Dmitry Leontiev: I guess so. If only because the resources that I spoke about are different for men and women. For women, these are mostly physical resources: the ability to bear children, health, beauty. Their finiteness cannot be overlooked, and therefore it is perceived very sharply. For men, things are somewhat different: their resources are socially oriented, and their changes are provoked by life events.
And yet, the main crisis is the same for both men and women: a violation of the balance of plans and resources to achieve them. When this happens, we all have to reassess our capabilities and turn to those aspects of life that are less subject to crisis.
Can this unsettling feeling of ill-being arise without specific reasons?
Kristof Fore: Yes, oddly enough, this is how our deep desire for integrity manifests itself. In the first half of life, it is directed outward, towards creation, this existence through relying on the views of other people: parents, teachers, friends … This is the acquisition of social status, material wealth. By the age of 40–50, we notice a reverse flow directed inward. We feel spiritual needs that go to the very core.
We often enter this transition period when we realize the relativity of all social structures and even the meaning of life. Having reached this milestone, we seem to feel the lack of something necessary to achieve completeness. Jung said: “… what was great at dawn becomes small at dusk, and morning truths become lies in the evening.” Yes, I have a beautiful home and my personal life has developed … but in the morning I wake up with a feeling of emptiness and anxiety.
Dmitry Leontiev: The lack of familiar resources means the inability to achieve what was available yesterday. And this can lead to the depreciation of life, to the loss of oneself. Remember Goethe’s Werther – he committed suicide, having lost his beloved, because his “I” almost entirely consisted of love for her. Or imagine a businessman throwing himself off a skyscraper when he finds out about bankruptcy. Why? Because bankruptcy destroys not only his business, but also his very personality, his “I”.
But if we value ourselves for more than looks, muscles, or capital, then we are more likely to overcome the crisis. The social context is also important here – the perception of age in society. If you’re over 45 and you see job ads on every street corner claiming “under 45,” anxiety can be unwitting. Even if you don’t really care about employment issues.
So what to do?
Dmitry Leontiev: One option is to seek support from other people, including psychologists. But here it all depends on the characteristics of the individual: someone needs an appeal to a specialist, but for someone it may not bring any benefit.
The paradox is that if a person is surrounded by close people, it is easier for him to turn to a psychologist, but he has a lower need for such treatment – he can overcome his problems himself. And if a person is lonely, then he may need the help of a psychotherapist much more, but the likelihood that he will come to an appointment is lower. Mainly because he simply does not have the skill of trusting communication.
Kristof Fore: Some refuse to listen to themselves, to see these internal changes, they stubbornly do not want to change anything or drown out their pain with medicines. And thus they impoverish themselves, and in the worst case, they risk getting sick or being depressed. Behind this feeling – “something is wrong” – there is a deep movement: the most important part of our being begins to manifest itself. After all, the external social “character” is only one of the facets of our real “I”, which now wants to open up to us. We just need to listen to this part of our being and respond to it.
How to respond to this inner call?
Kristof Fore: To answer this call means to reconsider and reevaluate our life and relationships with others, to accept our body is no longer the same as before … and so on. We have to ask ourselves questions that will affect all areas: work, family and personal life, sexuality. Do not be afraid to make a list of questions: for example, “What do I want: work here or leave?”, Or “What do I need?”.
We, like a caterpillar, need to go into our cocoon in order to silently prepare the second part of our existence – in the form of a butterfly. We hear the call from within, and we need to respond to it. But it is also important to realize that we will resist change: we are afraid of losing our former selves, our role, our status – everything that defined us in the first half of life. But, paradoxically, if we do not agree to let go of our former self, then we will lose something more.
Sometimes a crisis helps a person grow up and understand what is happening.
Dmitry Leontiev: Here much depends on ourselves – on the degree of our maturity, on the ability to understand that the rejection of yesterday’s plans does not necessarily mean defeat and that new plans can lead to victories, the taste of which was previously unfamiliar to us. It also happens that a person is not yet mature enough when he is faced with a feeling of emptiness – but the crisis itself helps him grow up and understand what is happening.
Many are looking for additional resources in areas that were previously overlooked. Hence the popularity of turning, for example, to religion in the second half of life. In addition, it is possible to change the criteria for a successful life, as happens, for example, with downshifting: what could be a crisis in one coordinate system is simply not perceived as such in another.
What awaits us if we manage to successfully change? The flowering of our true “I”?
Kristof Fore: Yes, but within the limits of the possible. We should not forget that we have to mourn all the things that we can no longer do: become a horse racing champion or start a career as a violinist. But having come to the realization of our life “here and now”, such as it is today, we will open up a huge space of possibilities. Jung believed that this means moving towards a complete, whole consciousness of myself: the part of my “I” from the first half of life that was in sight must give way to that other part of me that I previously kept in the shadows in order to be able to live and exist. under the eyes of others.
We begin to ask ourselves questions: “What mark do I want to leave?”; “What can I pass on to other generations?”; “How can I become related to myself, take care of myself, my loved ones, and even my own body, which will help me accomplish all this?” It’s time to think about it – not out of fear of death, but because our spiritual side requires it of us. We strive to become internally whole, to achieve vitality. And that is the true meaning of mid-life change.