What have I achieved? Is that what I wanted? What will happen next? Around the age of 40, these questions overcome everyone. Men endure the crisis harder than women – society demands results, achievements, success from them all their lives. And here it is, the time when it’s time to take stock. What is the peculiarity of the midlife crisis in men and how to overcome it, psychotherapist Lynn Margolis reflects.
A man going through an identity crisis or a midlife crisis feels as if he is constrained or constrained by the lifestyle he leads. He wants to break free. His ideas about time and about himself are changing. Realizing that there is not so much time left to live, men desperately cling to the last opportunity to feel youth and pleasure from life.
What happens to the man?
During this period, fantasies and old dreams seem much more attractive than reality. The person believes that he seemed to be doing everything right, but is surprised: how did it happen that he gradually turned into an ordinary middle-aged man? Sometimes his value system changes and he rebels against old rules that he thinks are limiting him.
A crisis is especially likely if there is no room for growth or change in a man’s life. He begins to doubt whether he is satisfied with his own way of life and the image that he has created for himself, and wonder: is he in his place? Life seems empty or false.
When a man commits (or is almost ready to commit) rash, radical acts, we can say that the usual internal conflict and reassessment of values characteristic of midlife has turned into a crisis.
As a result, some men have affairs on the side, leave their families, drink more, become irresponsible, or take pointless and unjustified risks.
When it seems that there is no way out, the crisis forces something to change. The result can be both positive (personal growth) and destructive.
How to recognize a crisis?
The surest sign is a feeling of being driven into a corner and a desire to break out, turning life upside down. Usually a man realizes that he is in a crisis when reality conflicts with his “antics”.
Here are some more signs of a midlife crisis:
- withdrawing into oneself, the desire for rebellion, like in adolescents;
- increased interest in the external image, fantasizing, the search for thrills, the desire for risk;
- tendency to flirt, attempts to have an affair;
- a feeling that life has ceased to suit, the temptation to do something unusual or radical, to arrange some kind of “trick”.
How to cope?
Here are some tips on how to survive this crisis without loss and even grow as a person.
Do not
1. Do radical things, that can turn life upside down. See yourself as a teenager who needs to be put in limits so that he doesn’t get into trouble.
2. Take experiences and emotions too literally. Feelings are not facts. If you are overcome with a strong desire to “break free”, this does not always mean that you really need to do it. Perhaps it’s just a symptom that something is going wrong.
3. Get lost in your fantasies. Otherwise, you risk starting to commit rash acts that will only prevent you from gaining the vitality that you lack.
Must
1. Remember that you don’t have to radically rebuild your life. If you are sure that much needs to be changed, do it gradually and consciously in order to mitigate a possible destructive effect.
2. Accept the fact that many opportunities are missed. Think about what exactly you missed and why. Write down on paper everything that you would like to do, but did not. In the same place, describe why at that moment in your life you did not dare to do this.
3. Think about what you value in life and what you don’t want to lose.
4. Reflect on life priorities – past and present. Consider what realistic changes you can make by staying within your current lifestyle.
About the author: Lynn Margolis is a psychologist and psychotherapist.