Methods of parenting around the world

“I have two children. The son is finishing school this year, and the daughter went to the first grade just in the year of our move. From the very first day I watched and, willy-nilly, compared, “and how are they?”. Because of my husband’s work, we moved several times and changed three regions of France. Therefore, I can draw some general conclusions about children and French parents, ”says Ella.

“At one time, the book by American Pamela Druckerman, French Children Don’t Spit Food, received a huge response. So much so that even “our answer to Chamberlain” came out. “Russian children don’t spit at all,” this is how Margarita Zavorotnyaya called her book. But, in all honesty, we admit: it is not! Children are noisy, naughty and capricious. The only question is how adults react to it.

The way the French respond to the bad behavior of their children is influenced by the pressure of society to call for tolerance. Yes, I heard a young teacher screaming as she chastised a 6-year-old student in the pool. I saw mother geese dragging their children aside and hissing in their ear. I know of a father who slapped his teenage daughter right in the middle of the street in Nice. But this is an exception. To show open aggression in French society is not only unacceptable, but also punishable.

From the middle grades, children are regularly surveyed, sometimes anonymous. And as soon as the child complains that “my mother sometimes spanks me”, the case is immediately set in motion. The child is sent from school to a foster family on the same day, and the parents have been trying to meet with him for several months. I was told about a woman who came to school every morning for 6 months to see from the salon of her car how strangers bring her daughter to class. She herself could only look after her girl.

When my 15-year-old son returned home from his new high school, he complained that the classroom was too noisy. “And what about the teacher?” – I asked. “Well, once he said ‘strong woo ple!’, But everyone, as noisy, continued.” Discipline in the classroom in French schools is a separate topic. Teachers rarely make comments. Their task is to transfer knowledge, and not to educate your children. Probably, the teachers are not “pressed” from above, even if the whole stream writes a test for 2 points. Progress is a personal matter for students. Paid tutoring does not have the same scope as in Russian schools. Preparation and delivery of the EAC (French Unified State Exam) is stress and a lot of work. But not pumping money out of parental wallets. By the way, I still don’t know how the graduation ceremony will go. But there is a month left before the end of the year! “

“At meetings that are held as individual meetings with each teacher (the recording is made in advance and strictly in time, no more than 15 minutes for each), the child is not scolded. Rather, they give advice. The English teacher puzzled me with the question: “Do you think your son is happy here? Does he have friends? “

As for my daughter, then the surprises began from the first day. It took us 1 working day to get her into school. If you have a child, you need a school. Children must learn! On September 1, a smiling monsieur came up to us and explained that since our girl did not speak French yet, he would conduct individual lessons with her several times a week. I remember this teacher with gratitude. By Christmas, our daughter babbled as well as French women. It didn’t cost us a centime. This is a state program for the integration of children.

At the end of each academic year, the school management asks: “Would you like to repeat this class?” What does it mean: “Do you want to keep the child for the second year?” And 1-2 students from the class “repeat”. Voluntarily. To succeed in the future. By the way, it is also not forbidden to “step over” the class.

The French, as Pamela Druckerman noted, do not bring up, but “raise” children. They are not scolded for torn or stained items. Parents will not yell if a toddler breaks a plate at dinner. They will simply give him the opportunity to remove the fragments himself. Sometimes I got the impression that adults seem to be watching their children from the sidelines. No violent emotions. Moreover, the French are very emotional people!

In the life of French children there are a great many sports sections and other active leisure activities. But all this is a “light” version, compared to Russian music schools, dance or figure skating. A child in France manages to attend 3-4 sections per week, for example, a conservatory, a swimming pool and an ice rink. All classes can be combined and the question of choosing “either-or” is not worth it. Rarely does anyone want to succeed in one thing. The main thing is participation! French mothers do not shift their ambitions to the fragile shoulders of their children. “

“I saw something completely different in emigrant or mixed families. Russian mothers nausea stuff their children with additional exercises and demand as much as possible. Once I watched how a tall blonde in furs “warmed up” her daughter at a regional figure skating competition before a performance. She literally pulled the girl into a split by force, pushing aside the miniature French trainer.

“Put my daughter in jail separately!” – my neighbor “worked out” the mathematics teacher. The essence of the conflict was that for work “in pairs”, when the task is given for two, the girl received 18 points out of 20, while she did the individual tasks invariably at 20. “I see no point in working together if academic performance suffers “, – the mother was indignant.

Of course, all parents are different. There are strict, there are indifferently calm. There are mothers-girlfriends, there are those whose authority is indisputable, even if you cannot boast of your successes, you can try to “build” the life of children in your own way.

Yes, we all want the best for our children. But we are accustomed to the fact that success is a sacrifice, this is when “through thorns.” And for the French, life is life. And they give themselves time to enjoy it. “

Dasha is the mother of 10-year-old Lika. When they arrived in the Czech Republic, the girl was only one year old. Here’s what she says:

“Lika almost immediately went to kindergarten, and now she is attending a school with in-depth study of the English language. I will share my observations of how children are raised here. The first and most important thing is freedom in everything! Czechs are very loyal to raising children! No restrictions. You can do anything: crawl, jump, lick the floor and other pranks.

Young families travel a lot, teach children to go in for sports from infancy. Rollerski, bicycles are a daily occurrence in parks. In winter, most families have the opportunity to go skiing in the mountains. They lead a very active lifestyle.

In the Czech Republic, families have 2-3 children with a small age difference. Therefore, sitting on maternity leave is also a job that stretches over several years. Often, by the way, dads sit at home with their children. Specifically, children are not required to do anything in their studies. Some schools don’t even have homework. According to statistics, a large percentage of Czech residents do not seek higher education. Although education in public universities is free and generally accessible. Nevertheless, teenagers are sent early from home so that they can start an independent life: they earn extra money, pay their own rent. Secondary vocational education is considered quite acceptable. But paid schools and universities are expensive. Comparable with Moscow ones.

But the level of requirements and knowledge is different here at times. Strict control and discipline. It’s closer to us. And the result is: the daughter by the third grade already speaks fluent Czech and English. When traveling abroad, she has no language barrier, she communicates well ”.

A law prohibiting hitting children was passed in Denmark in 1968. For almost 50 years, more than one generation has grown up that does not know physical punishment. “In Denmark, children run their lives from the cradle! This is my opinion based on personal experience. Indeed, children cannot be mentally influenced here or threatened with punishment. Anyway, I don’t mean a belt – it’s a criminal offense, ”says Inna, who is married to a Dane.

However, Danes cannot be called “mama’s sons”. Quite the opposite, education in this country with a “masculine character”. The stronger half is perhaps even more involved in the development of children than women. Dads on maternity leave, male caregivers are common. Perhaps that is why physical development and hardening is not the last place.

For our compatriots, many things seem wild. “Children are allowed everything – you can drink from a puddle, wallow in the mud, pour it on your head, run in socks or barefoot, take off your clothes, even if it’s winter outside. Educators follow the only rule: “you cannot shout at children and physically punish them” – here it is prohibited by law, and everything else is welcome. In general, no one shakes over the children here. Children in summer without panamas, in winter without hats, dressed out of season. A common occurrence is snot or an allergic rash. It is customary for the Danes to sit directly on the asphalt or grass. They don’t really care if they get dirty or catch a cold. Barefoot children are not uncommon, ”Tatyana writes in her blog.

Children leave the parental home when they reach the age of 18. They are considered already independent people who create their own lives. Danish laws, which allow even children as young as 15 to solve housing issues, enable young people to quickly acquire their own housing.

Be that as it may, psychologists say that the Danes are one of the happiest countries in the world.

Canada has a very child-friendly attitude. Anything that is safe is allowed. This is what Svetlana, 45, who has been living in Ottawa for over 10 years, told us:

“Several years ago, when my son was 4 years old, we came to Russia. It was a lot of stress for the child. He was at a loss why everything is “not allowed”? You cannot sit on the grass, you cannot hug other children, you cannot touch something in the store with your hands. Let me give you an example. In Canada, I urgently needed to order new glasses before leaving, and my son and I went to the optics department. Well, can you imagine, all around expensive frames, glass. And then my active boy of four comes in … The consultant reacted instantly – he handed the boy two balloons! The child froze with admiration. Attention, and most importantly, my hands were busy. And I placed the order safely. Not a single frame was damaged! And a completely opposite situation happened to us in a perfume store in Russia. Before we had time to go in, they started hissing at my child, and they looked at me reproachfully. Canadians generally tend to avoid any conflict. In Canada, it is considered unacceptable to comment on other people’s children. We have the same land of advice! It seems that everyone is ready to “educate” other people’s children: in the store, on the playground, in transport. “

Parents support the child’s feelings. For example, a child crumples up his drawing. Most likely, an adult will say to this: “Are you dissatisfied with your drawing and angry that it doesn’t work? I understand you”. Probably reading Julia Gippenreiter’s books and applying the method of “active listening” is part of the mandatory training program for parents ?! School teachers in Israel avoid giving direct characterization to students. No “you’re done”, and even more so “in mathematics, he is slow-witted”. Any neurotic manifestation in the child’s behavior is considered a consequence of overload. A child can behave badly for only one reason – he is not coping with his life. Children’s life consists of family and school. This means that the direct task of adults – both parents and teachers – is to make life easier for the child. If you misbehaved in class, get one less problem home. Paradox? The principal task of the school is the social adaptation of children. The main thing is to teach how to communicate and interact in a team. Children are recognized as having the right to be, for example, a talented speaker and not like chemistry.

Nevertheless, in practice, of course, not everything is so cloudless. The human factor also plays an important role. Here is what Alina, the mother of little Lily, writes about the search for a kindergarten:

“When we decided to send our youngest daughter to kindergarten, the question arose before us: which one to choose – private or state. I went to several preschools. In the first garden, all my terrible memories of my own childhood were immediately resurrected. Already on the way to the garden, we heard the teachers shouting at the children. In the garden there was a hum of many-voiced crying. Of the four educators, two never looked up from their phones during the walk. The other two followed the children as much as possible.

I went to the second garden with a heavy feeling, thinking that I would see the same thing. But the kindergarten turned out to be the complete opposite. The nannies cheerfully shouted some poems, playing with the children, the children laughed uncontrollably. No one cried during the walk. On the walls there are drawings and handicrafts of children. Lovely playground. The manager assured that they prepare fresh breakfasts, lunches and afternoon snacks. Although in most Israeli kindergartens, children are fed with sandwiches, which the parents themselves bring from home.

Our friends have a very interesting situation. For some reason of their own (as I remember, everyday), they chose a religious kindergarten. Therefore, every evening they listened to how, sitting on the potty, their daughter sang prayers and explained how a mother should respect her husband. Because dad is the second person after God. When questions began as to why parents drive a car on Shabbat, the family nevertheless decided to find another garden. “

In Germany, children are treated very loyally. If they shout on the train or bus or start messing around noisily, this is normal, no one will comment on either the children or the parents. Well, so that a mother would give a child in the priest – this is generally unacceptable, God forbid, anyone else around will see and “snitch” for cruel treatment of the child! Screaming and corporal punishment are categorically excluded. But it should be noted that the patience of parents in Germany is trained to perfection!

“The daughter of our friends is engaged in vocals,” says Tatiana. – Several years ago they came to Moscow for one of the competitions. This was their first visit to Russia. “Mom, why do the children behave like that? They seem to be afraid of their mothers, ”the 15-year-old singer asked then.

In Germany, children are treated with great respect and their personal boundaries are respected. Teenagers aged 15-16 already have the right to control their lives. For example, if a teenager decides to drop out of school, virtually no one can influence this. Doesn’t understand what needs to be learned? The time will come, he will understand. There are schools, like our evening schools, where you can come even at 20 years old. In almost any situation, German parents remain self-possessed and patient. Probably the effect of the Nordic character. They not only don’t shout at children, but they don’t hiss, they don’t glare and don’t use other “shouting substitutes” in those situations when for some reason it is suddenly uncomfortable to shout. Germans are generally less emotional when it comes to upbringing. “

In schools, no one will pull the ears for good grades. Three is quite a bearable result. Continuing school after school or going to work is the teenager’s choice. Much attention is paid to early sex education in schools.

“In the third grade, the teacher asked the parents to give the children a condom. The next day in the lesson, they “practiced” putting it on a plastic bottle, “recalls Victoria. As the saying goes, he who is warned is protected!

Mothers sitting on a bench in the park place strollers with children facing away from them. Crying of a child is not a reason to interrupt a conversation, reading a book or playing on the phone. In England, adults do not run after a child on slides, do not climb into sandboxes. And children quickly become independent. Almost from the cradle, the baby already hears the phrase: “pull yourself together!” A child who cries because he falls off his bike is ridiculed by peers and tacitly disapproved by parents. No one will rush to him with consolation.

“Encouraged to be independent, an English child gradually gets used to the fact that, experiencing hunger, fatigue, pain, resentment, he should not complain, bother his father or mother over trifles.” Children understand early that they live in the kingdom of adults, where they are supposed to know their place. And this place is by no means on the lap of the parents.

Here, from birth, children are given to understand that there are certain rules and restrictions. They must be observed. Whims are not welcome. It is customary to stop them by switching the child’s attention to something else. The child quickly gets used to being left to himself and reminding his parents of his existence as rarely as possible. Children should be “seen but not heard” – refers to babies. From school age they are not visible at all. A 13-year-old teenager who commutes to school on his own by commuter train is the norm. Mothers do not work as “taxi drivers” for their children, taking them to classes and circles.

Pragmatic Britons do not spend most of their salaries on children, as is customary in our country. They do not overwhelm them with toys and do not buy expensive things. Children grow up so fast! Why not save some money by buying used clothing, strollers, and more? And after use, they are resold again. In books published to help parents, for example, one can find this advice: “Buy children clothes of one particular color. That way you will save on washing. “

It is not accepted to wrap up children in any weather. Bare ankles peeking out of trousers are the norm in winter. Children are tempered. And they don’t believe in the existence of microbes. A cookie picked up from the sidewalk is just a cookie.

The British categorically suppress the manifestation of cruelty by the child. If a child torments a cat, offends a younger one or damages someone else’s property, he will be severely punished – such are the rules. Children realize early on that any action carries responsibility. By the way, corporal punishment in public schools was officially abolished in England only in 1987. That is, relatively recently.

“From, in my opinion, the huge advantages of Japanese upbringing, I can single out the fact that a person is taught to work and self-discipline from early childhood,” says Anastasia, mother of two daughters, who has been living in Japan for several years. – From the moment the child is aware of space and can hold toys in his hands, he is asked to put them in place after playing, and he does this. In Japan, they often take off their shoes in many rooms, children carefully take off their shoes and put their toes along the threshold or in a special niche in the wall, and I can’t even imagine that my careless three-year-old daughter would act differently.

There are no cleaning ladies in schools. Pupils from the very junior grades clean all rooms, including toilets, and even the school yard. They do not consider it a duty. I think this is due to the fact that teachers do not just lead the process, but participate in it on an equal basis with the students. Despite the fact that Japan, first of all, seems to be a high-tech country with robots on every corner, living here, you quickly join its agrarian traditions. Vegetables are grown in kindergartens and schools. Pupils of even the most prestigious institutions are trying at least once in their lives to be taken to a rice field for planting this cereal by hand, knee-deep in water and mud, as their ancestors did.

I still don’t get used to it, and still am amazed when I see the ability to organize even the smallest Japanese people into groups and synchronize behavior at the same time at mass children’s parties or performances. Restless children of three to five years old dance harmoniously, sing and play musical instruments, calmly wait for their turn at a concert, and this is in the most ordinary kindergartens without special inclinations. It also seems to me that local children have a subtle sense of the moment when you can frolic and scream from the heart, but I almost never see children running around in restaurants, except for my own.

Of the minuses, perhaps the most important is the role of the mother. Japan is a patriarchal country. Until now, the ideal family, what image is presented in advertising, is dad – an employee of a large corporation, mom – a housewife, a couple of kids. Often with marriage and almost certainly with the birth of children, a woman leaves a permanent job. In big cities, life requires a large family budget, and a woman’s withdrawal from maternity leave is considered a forced financial measure. For the sake of a career, sending children to kindergarten before the age of three is considered selfishness.

“Good Mom” cannot be a lawyer, editor, or politician here. She is still allowed to be a teacher or nurse, run a family business (restaurant, small hotel, hairdresser), work on an hourly basis. But a successful woman is still the one whose husband has a high-paying job, the children go to good schools, and she gets up at five in the morning to prepare breakfast and lunch for everyone, embroider the names of the offspring on her own hand-sewn bags for changing shoes. and in his free time from household chores, he attends the ikebana circle. To whom this lifestyle is not very interesting, they still try not to advertise this in the circle of mothers of other children.

The Japanese dad works a lot and often his parental duties include only providing the offspring with an education and walking with them in the park on weekends. Many fathers have never changed a single diaper for their three children in their lives. But the situation is changing. In shopping malls, you can now often meet young fathers with babies in sling while mom goes about her business, and they even know what time to give them a bottle. However, this is all purely my opinion. Someone may think differently. “