Contents
Methods of upbringing must be selected «according to the growth» of parents, taking into account their characteristics, attitude towards children and their level of culture. Parents really are very different: there are smart and loving, there are simpler, there are — absolutely nowhere. It is not true that all parents take care of their children; It is not true that all parents love their children. It is difficult to call homeless people parents, although many of them have children, including those in different cities. On the other hand, there are such names as Janusz Korczak and Anton Semyonovich Makarenko, Maria Montessori and Rudolf Steiner: teachers from God who love children and know how to love children. The main mass of parents is between one and the other pole, it’s just ordinary parents. Thus, all parents can be divided into three categories: «problem», «ordinary (average) parents» and «advanced parents».
How to teach the education of problem parents?
Problem parents do not cope with the tasks of upbringing, nor with the children themselves. They do not raise children, and because they do not know how, and to a greater extent because they do not care about children at all. Children are more of a hindrance to them in life, and when children fall under their feet, they take out their mood on them.
How to teach the education of problem parents? The answer is no. More precisely, as it is done now, when articles are written for them and conversations are held with them, it is useless to work like that. These people do not read books, do not listen to lectures and webinars, it is useless to invest in such parents. Writing articles to them and talking to them about not beating children is pointless, they won’t hear it. With regard to problem parents, education is not required, juvenile justice is required, and this is quite a conversation that goes far beyond psychology. If you can take away their influence on children, educate their children in addition to their influence, some results are possible. At the same time, these investments are unprofitable: they are expensive, the output is small or directly negative.
Today criminals, alcoholics and drug addicts are leaving children’s homes, where more than twenty billion dollars are invested annually into Russian society. According to official data from the Prosecutor General’s Office of the Russian Federation, only 10% of graduates of Russian state orphanages and boarding schools adapt to life, 40% commit crimes, another 40% of graduates become alcoholics and drug addicts, 10% commit suicide. In Singapore, this problem was solved in a different way: mothers who produce and abandon children are offered sterilization in exchange for solving the housing problem. They provide public housing. 20 years have passed — the problem was solved.
Note that in fact it is possible and necessary to work with children of such parents, but in other ways. What? The only successful approach known to us is the approach of A.S. Makarenko. He turned juvenile lazybones, thieves and bandits into decent and worthy people, but more on that below.
What to teach ordinary parents?
Average parents manage their children, but situationally and unevenly: sometimes more successfully, sometimes less, in different situations in different ways. Children are brought up stupidly, according to their mood, vaguely, not really understanding what is happening, “who am I with, what am I, how am I”, how the card will fall. And, most importantly, in fits and starts: I sort of bring up, but now I’m distracted by TV, talking, other things and chores. In a good mood, children have fun, and when they get them, they swear. It is the parents themselves who know that it is impossible to beat children, but it doesn’t work, the nerves can’t stand it. If the children got them hard, they can knock, then they worry. However, there is no real interest in the matter of raising children, it is more interesting for them to talk about cooking (if they are women) and sports (men).
What to orient such, average parents? What to talk to them about when it comes to raising children?
Setting the task of raising children for such parents is inadequate and not worth it. It should be taken into account that inept parents under the upbringing of children understand reading lectures and menacing shouts: “Stop immediately!”. They think they are educating: when they get angry, they ask “why did you do this?” and «why didn’t you remove it.» “Stop educating me,” the children shout back at them. The more they make noise on children, the worse the consequences. If you demand from them: “Take care of raising your children!”, It seems that there will be more harm than good: when they want the best, they succeed as always. For such parents, if they really want the best for their children (and for themselves), it is better to educate themselves and pester children less. The less ordinary parents bring up children, the better for children. Let the children be supported, let them play and make friends with the children, let them talk to the children: this will be useful.
For ordinary parents who do not know how to educate, it is better to take your hands off the children and just establish normal relations with the children. If you don’t know how to educate, don’t bother. It gets worse
Actually, modern psychologists are already following this path when they give recommendations to parents about children. The traditional advice “try to understand children”, “talk to children”, “learn to listen to children”, “just be friends with children” is quite reasonable, because it distracts such inept parents from the educational process, which they are in fact incapable of, and focuses on quite useful things that help both themselves and their children.
When there are recommendations in books: “Do not rush to tell the children. Listen to children more ”- what is this about? Is listening to children the same as educating them? To a small extent. Listening is not making noise, listening is not swearing, listening is not in a hurry to say something like “think with your head”, “watch what you are doing”. And when a parent stops making noise at children, stops educating, begins to listen to children, after a while the situation is resolved. And, perhaps, the child was not brought up, but the situation in the house became better.
When yesterday’s children, who still cannot manage themselves, become parents, let them practice, first of all, non-directive education. It is, as it were, education, but not through instructions, not through directives, but education by one’s own example, support and prompting, organization of the life situation. You can not say anything to children, but if you yourself do exercises in the morning, it is very likely that children will soon do exercises next to you. Without any directives, requirements and notations, children take the best from us, if we have this good. In non-directive upbringing, there seems to be no upbringing — but it happens in many ways.
Unfortunately, it occurs only “in many ways”, and it is impossible to overestimate the possibilities of non-directive education. The child will like to take something from you, and he will want to take the ability to lie or swear beautifully, becoming interested in other samples.
Actually, the upbringing of the children of such parents should be done only gradually, as their general and psychological-pedagogical culture improves. And you need to start with self-education: accustom yourself to live at home not only with feelings, but turn on your head, stop biting yourself for random mistakes, learn to control your emotions, monitor your speech and, in principle, work on yourself. As you progress and need in life, you can gradually move on to more and more active management of children: understand when demands are appropriate and when requests are appropriate, master the styles of the Silovik, Dushki and Tactics, learn how to competently praise and criticize according to the “plus-help-plus” scheme, do not be led to children’s manipulatives, but confidently formulate their expectations for children and reinforce their desired behavior.
So that if the children are told, then it is still done, and mom and dad must be obeyed. We treat grandmother with love and respect — grandmother is an elderly person. And just solving situational problems is already a great thing. If a child at least doesn’t get on your nerves, at least comes out from behind the TV, does his homework and goes to bed on time, you are already great people: you have learned to control the child.
However, in this case, parents already cease to be average parents. They become advanced parents.
advanced parents
Advanced parents are skillful parents. They are easy to manage with children and consciously, skillfully bring them up. Arising issues with children, they solve for themselves conveniently and joyfully for children. The goals of their actions are thought out, the means are selected, the results are analyzed every time: now it has passed, now it has not passed — next time we will correct it. These parents have emotions under control, these parents do not break down on their children. If they love children, but do not regret, because to regret and love are very different things. These parents can be methodically demanding, and if they make a decision, they will not forget it, they will do it and see it through. They are not supporters of companionship: “Oh, that’s it, now we are tempering the children!” — Immediately the children were undressed and in the cold. No, they prepare any business, and after that they do everything best: for weeks, months, years. They teach their children to learn, teach them to think, and talk to each other: day after day, calmly and attentively. If they said something to the children, then they remember it and do not forget it. And children know that if you said something, then it happened. This is not accidental, this is not a mood, these are not emotions, this is a conscious position. These are conscious people, conscious parents.
And these parents can already raise children.
Parenting is different and more than managing a child. An obedient, controlled child is not yet a fully educated child. He does what his parents expect of him, but only while he is with them, only in a specific situation. And step aside, the child will do his own thing, not yours. He himself is not yet the bearer of your habits and views, not the bearer of the values uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthat you would like the child to have. Raising a child is accustoming to a way of life, attitudes and habits so that it becomes his own for the child. An educated child does not just do what is necessary, he has become different, he has become an adult, caring, thinking, it is internally natural for him to be honest. What is internally important to him is what was previously only demanded of him.
Ordinary parents bring up their children only indirectly and only non-directively, only by their own example and way of life. That’s a lot, but that’s not all. You can educate both directively and demandingly, and this is always a risk. Is it possible for advanced parents? Yes, you can. Everything is possible for advanced parents. Such parents do not need to tie their hands.
Unfortunately, I have to write about it. A.S. Makarenko fought back all his life from the attacks of traditional pedagogy: his methodology worked amazingly effectively, but the teachers argued: “The methods are not the same!” He was accused of authoritarianism, imposing cane discipline, disrespect for the personality of the child — all mortal sins.
We repeat: smart parents can do anything. These are masters. They know their children, their characteristics and their capabilities. If such parents choose directive upbringing, they can do it. If they know how to do it, it is effective, it is as effective as possible, it gives the best results. So, we recommend ordinary parents not to pester their children, and if they are engaged in education, then as non-directively as possible. And we’ll say something else to other parents: “Why are you afraid of your own children? This is whose family, whose territory, whose children? Forward! You are smart, you can! Bolder! The kids will say “thank you” for this!
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.