Contents
The feeling of guilt in psychology is regarded as the most popular in society. And all because it is very easy to manage with it. Yes, to lead the masses of people. Even parents try to call him for educational purposes. And today we will talk about the moments at which it arises, and how to get rid of it in order to live freely and easily, without a heavy burden on the soul.
How does
Those who blame are primarily concerned with the question of what they are doing, or have done wrong. That is, they break the generally accepted rules, from which they suffer later. But they cannot satisfy their need in a different way, for example, in the case of some sexual acts. A person seems to understand that it is impossible to do this, and punishment may follow, but at some point he reaches such a level of tension that he cannot cope with, and then he “breaks down”.
He may be haunted by obsessive thoughts that he is «bad» because he did badly. Even psychosomatically it manifests itself. For example, someone suffers from indigestion, and someone feels heaviness in the chest, as if a stone had been laid.
But in fact, this feeling is valuable to us, as it signals that we have made a mistake. It’s time to change and act differently. In simple terms, it develops sensuality and morality. You will learn more about morality, as well as how to discover it in yourself, from this article.
Causes of Destructive, Toxic Guilt
- The child does not understand the area of his responsibility. Therefore, it is not uncommon that for the divorce of parents or their addiction to alcohol, he blames himself. There is an illusion that if he behaved better and brought good grades from school, his parents would quarrel less and be happy. Why, growing up, they then take responsibility for many things over which they actually have absolutely no control. And this can lead to the development of addictions. Drugs and other things help relieve suffering and anxiety, only for a while. Indeed, in the future, their condition worsens, due to the fact that they could not resist sin.
- Punishment, manipulation. Occurs when a parent or partner deliberately interrupts communication, for example, hangs up to force compliance, change behavior. Such a sharp rejection causes a lot of unpleasant emotions that affect not only self-esteem, but also the psyche and health. And if this method is effective with adults, then imagine how a child can cope with feelings if his mother stops talking to him when he did not obey, or did not finish his porridge? What if you treat him like this all the time? Then he will seek to earn love by submitting and ignoring himself.
- Labels. Since guilt performs the function of correcting behavior, religion and society as a whole often use it for their own purposes. Only then does a person lose his individuality. He has to adapt to the norms and rules of behavior, otherwise accusations will fly against him. For example, that he is not a believer, does not earn enough, is insensitive, and so on. Then, in order not to be considered a bad mother or husband, you have to do something without feeling desire, and blame for your differences from others. Brothers and sisters are obliged to love each other. And it doesn’t matter that they are, in fact, not involved in the appearance of older or younger ones. Now they have a duty, now they need to communicate and help until the end of their days. Otherwise, society will not appreciate, and will look for the reason for such a cold-blooded attitude.
How to get rid?
It takes a long time to work on yourself. This feeling cannot be driven away by a magic pill in the form of technology. It is important to change not only the style of behavior, but also thinking. Investigate in which situations it occurs more often, and in which, on the contrary, it does not occur at all. In which it is simulated and demonstrated to others, because it seems that all decent people should experience it at such a moment, and in which it manifests itself completely sincerely, naturally and consciously?
Reimbursement Process
If a person violates the boundaries of another person, he feels that he is not so good, kind and beautiful. And then he needs to do something to get rid of this unpleasant feeling. Usually this action is called «smoothing». This helps to maintain or establish contact with the one whom he offended. And you also need to get rid of shame for your behavior in order to regain your former freedom of expression.
So, the gestalt, as they say, should be completed. Think about what you can offer to pay for your misconduct? Of course, there are situations when it is impossible to repay a debt, for example, when it concerns the health or life of another person. Then it remains only to come to terms with the deed, and to atone for sin, for example, by helping the destitute and needy. This will allow you to become at least a little involved in good deeds. Then it will be easier on the soul, and self-esteem will be restored a little, and shame will not be so toxic and isolating, limiting.
Restoration of sensitivity
It is important to regain the right to be the way you are. Yes, let’s say something irreparable happened, but then we can’t do anything but accept what happened as a given, drawing appropriate conclusions so that the situation does not happen again in the future. We are not perfect, not ideal, and it is thanks to this that we have the opportunity to develop and move forward, as there is something to work on.
Changing the style of behavior
Stop making excuses, so you yourself put yourself in a position convenient for accusations. You did what you did. Because they wanted to do it. And you yourself will be responsible for this. All. Then they won’t be able to “hang” someone else’s and superfluous on you. Learn to say no to people. Yes, this is directly related to our topic. Let me give you an example: they bought a toy for a child, because the day before they scolded him a lot, and now I want to please him so that he quickly forgets what an evil mother can be. Good moms don’t lose their temper. And they only make their children happy. And they themselves experience every second happiness from understanding what kind of kids they are growing. Even if they are currently lowering the phone into the toilet and scattering porridge. Is that how it’s supposed to be?
Take this article into service, it will help you become more confident in yourself, and encourage you to defend your borders and rights without fawning or trying to please.
close ties
Review the circle of people with whom you communicate closely. And those who seek to control you, take advantage of your kindness, lower position in society, and so on. If there are those next to whom it is not comfortable and not happy — why do you stay in a relationship? You don’t have to break them right away, just be aware of why and why. Then you will be honest with yourself, which means you will be more responsible.
Remember — when you have done something and feel guilty — it means that you did not take responsibility for what you did. And only when you decide how to deal with the consequences, only then get rid of this feeling pressing on your chest.
Completion
Finally, I want to remind you that if your condition has reached a critical point, contact specialists, those whom you trust and respect. Sometimes the usual open and sincere conversation about what is really important helps to relieve the burden from the soul. Be attentive to yourself and loved ones!
I also recommend reading an article about the human value system and methods of its formation.
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina.