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Hello dear blog readers! Abuse of parents is violence against children, both physical and emotional, sometimes even sexual. You will learn more about the signs by which it can be identified from this article.
And today we will talk about how to protect yourself if you are suffering from manipulation, threats and other things from your loved ones. Or vice versa, how to stop using any cruel methods of education in relation to their children.
What to do if you are prone to abuse?
Learn to listen and notice
This is actually quite a difficult task for any person. Agree, it is difficult to listen, for example, about anger or resentment, without at all trying to defend yourself or justify yourself. In order not to feel guilty, not to recognize their own weaknesses and limitations.
But still, come up with some way for yourself that will help slow down the impulses to instantly join the controversy.
For example, count to 100 while listening carefully to the other person. Try to realize that the information that you used to perceive as an attack, an attempt to harm you or overthrow you from a pedestal, will actually help you establish contact with loved ones. As a result, it will improve the quality of life. One has only to listen and understand exactly how you violate other people’s boundaries. First of all, acknowledge this fact.
Nobody needs excuses. At the very least, they do not compensate for the damage that a person inflicts, even if inadvertently, on his victim. Believe me, insisting on being right, you will not cause warm feelings in the interlocutor, in this case the child. You will not win his trust, authority in this way.
So, when he tries to convey to you that he is angry, that he doesn’t like something and wants differently, refrain from aggression, try to hear him. This will bring you closer over time. After all, when a person understands that they do not accept him as he is, and also stop attempts to tell about himself, he closes. That is, he hides his true thoughts, emotions, desires … What kind of closeness can we talk about then?
Also, leave space for others to show up, without trying to reduce all conversations only about yourself and your opinions.
In general, use the recommendations from the article about active listening. It is about how to become a pleasant conversationalist who inspires confidence and a desire to communicate.
Responsibility
It is necessary to admit that you have committed acts that are regarded as violent and harmed your child. That is, it is important to take responsibility for your actions.
For example, when a mother beats her baby for disobedience, she may begin to blame him for driving her to this. But in fact, it was the mother who could not cope with her emotions, did not find another, more constructive way to show anger, convey information that he did something wrong, and so on.
It was not the baby that made her angry, but she was angry with the baby. Feel the difference? Does a child really have such powerful power that it can change the state of an adult personality? Only the person himself decides what and how to react.
So, about responsibility. If it so happened that you harmed your child, your excuses and attempts to blame him for the consequences will not bring anything good. Directly to his psyche and your relationship with him.
One more example. Let’s say someone on the street accidentally pushed you, and you spilled tea or coffee on yourself. Will it help you to know that this person was in a hurry, thought and did not see you, perhaps he did it on purpose to have fun? And what feelings will arise if he prefers to accuse you that you should not drink coffee on the street so as not to disturb anyone?
Most likely, the emotions will not be so strong if he admits his guilt and apologizes. Will offer his help, for example, to pay for dry cleaning or a taxi home to change clothes …
Therefore, no one else is responsible for your actions. Especially for violence against other people. Not the weather, not the one who suffered, not the government, not demons, and so on.
When a person admits his limitations and mistakes, he grows. He has the freedom of choice and the right to do something with it in order to get a different result, or leave it as it is if the changes are of no interest at all.
Work with yourself
Abzer causes suffering to others not because he is happy and joyful. And because he himself experiences pain, from that he has a need to get rid of it at least for a while. And, unfortunately, sometimes there is only one way — to deliver this pain to another.
Therefore, if your soul is tormented by a feeling of loneliness, uselessness, if it seems to you that you are not capable of anything, and so on. Then be sure to try to work on yourself.
If you do not know what to do and where to start, contact a specialist, friends for support. But remember, nothing can justify abuse, especially to children.
In case of depression, you can use the information provided here.
What to do if native people show abuse?
Distance
It means emotional distance. Because if you «turn on» to the reproaches, manipulations or insults of your parents, no distance will help you. Even tens of thousands of kilometers away.
Therefore, first of all, it is important to separate from them. They know where to hit to hurt you and evoke the desired emotions. They nurtured you and know your weaknesses. If only because you react to them, making it clear where to hit.
Work on your vulnerability. Try to understand why you respond emotionally to any action.
For example, with each devaluation, you lose faith in yourself, as you still hope to earn your father’s recognition. From that you climb out of your skin, trying to prove that you are worthy of his love.
But it is unlikely that this moment will come. That one day, even if you become the most powerful figure in the world, he will speak of his pride in having such a son or daughter. It is important to look for something that you are directly proud of. Do what you want, what brings pleasure and joy, and does not give hope.
Bounding
State what you don’t like or like about your feelings and desires. Have the courage to say no if you don’t want to do something.
Just remember that if you start acting differently, not in the way your parents are used to, you will have to withstand the test for some time. They will test the strength of the newly built boundaries
And remember more often that you have already grown up, that you are no longer the defenseless child that you were in childhood. Try not to fall off the position of an adult.
Accordingly, you can set your own rules and determine the interval of communication, so as not to have time to get injured, get hurt. It doesn’t have to be aggressive, as you might think. There are many ways to delicately defend your boundaries. Some of them are listed in this article.
Mindfulness
Learn to distinguish between the manipulations that are applied to you. If you resist them, then your parents will lose some control, power over you.
Also strive to achieve independence, in particular financial. By providing for yourself, you will have every right to manage your life as you want. Although you already have this right. But in this case, you do not have to endure, endure and forgive something in order to receive money for your needs.
Even if you have to live in an apartment without euro renovation and eat only porridge instead of red caviar, your self-esteem will grow. And you will know that you are able to cope with any difficulty on your own.
At the very least, provide for the primary needs for sure. Gradually, developing, you will achieve big goals. And become stronger and more independent.
Learn more about how to achieve financial independence by clicking on this link.
Completion
In any case, no matter what role you find yourself in, a victim or a tyrant, be sure to engage in self-development. Living as usual and not changing your attitude to life, people, or behavior strategies, you will not get any other result.
Therefore, if you want to change something, get out of your comfort zone, muster up the courage to face your weaknesses, vices and limitations.
Strength and patience to you! And, of course, be happy!
We also recommend that you read an article about toxic people and ways to reduce their impact on you.
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina