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Hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of people daily destroy themselves in a merciless war with their own imperfection. They do it with full confidence that this is the way to a brighter future. How else? To rot, harass, punish, shame and blame – the whole arsenal of the usual parental ways to deal with children’s “imperfection” is thrown into battle, because there are no other ways to deal with oneself.
“I hate myself for my cowardice!”, “I urgently need to get rid of my envy, it’s just terrible that I have it. I try to suppress it, but it doesn’t work well.” “I am an insignificant, vile creature, causing only pity.” “No one likes me, it’s not interesting with me”, “I can’t forgive myself for the meanness that I did. And should not forgive”, “I am a complete loser. I am embarrassed in front of my parents…”
Get rid of something in yourself, crush, restrain, control … And all this in the name of overcoming imperfection in yourself, in the name of some ideal that sits firmly in the subconscious and only he has the right to be. One of the basic characteristics of our world – the lack of ideality and completeness of forms – causes a violent protest in a person who, thanks to the presence of consciousness, has come to the idea of perfection, which is absurd in everyday life. Ideal – it is essentially not related to our world. Plato’s “eidos” (idea) is the eternal essence of a thing, a prototype, pale likenesses of which exist in our mortal world. The ideal, derived from “eidos”, in the common sense is defined as “a) the highest degree of value or the best, complete state of any phenomenon, b) an individually accepted standard (recognized model) of something, usually relating to personal qualities or abilities “. In general, perfect, ideal is complete and frozen, because there is nowhere to develop further. And since there is nothing finished and frozen in our Universe, the pursuit of perfection is a struggle for what cannot be achieved.
And here people who deny imperfection – their own, someone else’s or the imperfection of the world – fall into a trap: trying to achieve the unattainable, they fall into the snares of guilt, shame and sometimes even despair. Shame because you are so ridiculous, wrong, worthless. It begins most often with a parental message: “Be different, you shouldn’t be like that.” Guilt is felt for not doing it, not living up to expectations (and should have!). Despair is revealed when, as a result of extreme efforts, you suddenly realize that all this is Sisyphean labor. People list their shortcomings, real and imagined, and often beat themselves up endlessly with a well-whipped mixture of shame and guilt. “You shouldn’t be like that, and if you are like that, then you didn’t put enough effort into becoming different!” Sometimes it comes to the point that without a sense of guilt a person cannot imagine life. As one woman once told me: “If I make mistakes, then how can I correct them without feeling guilty and angry at myself?” In her picture of the world there was no other, caring attitude towards herself, the ability to forgive for mistakes. She completely identified guilt and responsibility, and any attempt to separate them was met with resistance.
Formally, it is easy to separate guilt and responsibility:
- Guilt: I caused the damage, it is bad and terrible, and I must make amends for it or suffer the deserved punishment.
- Responsibility: I did so-and-so, and this led to the consequences that are now observed. I’m sad/happy about this. I’ll figure out what to do with it.
However, when I cited these two phrases in a conversation with a small group, an objection immediately sounded: “In the second case, this is some kind of indifference and shamelessness!” In other words, if something is wrong, then you should wash yourself, and only then you can feel like a real, conscientious person. Responsibility is not about us, what you call it is just shamelessness. As if a moral person differs from an immoral one in that he beats himself with all his might for mistakes, failures and shortcomings.
It is often hard to fit in the mind that it is not necessary to punish oneself for one’s own mistakes and imperfections. That grief from failure or mistake, damage from one’s own not very best character trait is a sufficient “punishment”, and there is no need to add additional sanctions to them. We are imperfect people, and it is good that we are. “Ideal” are boring to the point of yawning and insincere to the point of being false; “ideal” partners are the first to leave. We cling to each other not with polished and smooth edges of the soul, but with burrs and splinters.
The idea of caring for oneself often does not find a response, and this is argued by the fact that “in this case there will be no incentives for development at all, I will just lie down on the couch, and that’s it.” By the way, this is really possible, because the ability to do something only thanks to constant violence against oneself is characteristic of people who do not know what they want, do not understand their own needs and carry out other people’s programs, turning into guardians of themselves, freeing writers from this duty these programs.
There are three ways to deal with our own imperfection (which will always be with us!), When we periodically face it head-on.
Read more:
- Alain Braconnier: “To love yourself again”
1. Aggressive struggle with oneself in the name of eliminating shortcomings.
Suppress, restrain, ignore, re-educate / re-educate … You can also fight with other people’s shortcomings. This struggle is “more successful” if you do not notice in yourself what you are struggling with.
2. Aggressive denial of one’s own imperfection
Among the forms of this phenomenon is a demonstrative “acceptance” – yes, I am like that, and I am not going to change. Be patient and adapt. Another form is gaslighting. Those who have learned to pretend to be perfect are great at blaming others for everything, making them feel that “something is wrong” with them. You are overly emotional … You overreact to everything, and I wish you well (in response to female tears because of his own “you need to take care of yourself – you’ve become a bit fat, I lose interest in you”, and a woman who is used to feeling of his inferiority, he may doubt – or maybe it’s really that I’m somehow inadequate with my tantrums?). A close option is aggressive insistence on one’s own misery – “Yes, I am such a pig, and I won’t do another!” In general, these are two poles of one phenomenon.
3. Recognition of your imperfections, mistakes, absurdity – and the desire to become a little better.
Admitting you’re jealous. That you don’t understand something. What is incompetent in this or that matter. This allows you to get to know yourself better, and not hastily destroy to the ground. Strictly speaking, one of the tasks of psychotherapy is the acquaintance of a person with his own personality, the acquisition of its integrity, along with the rejected parts of the soul. This does not cancel the opportunity for development, only the motivation will be different. Not “I’m a nasty cowardly freak, everyone is afraid of me, and therefore I urgently need to change,” but “I want to improve relations with people, I’m not good at it, and I’m sad about it. I still have a lot to learn.” Make something a little better, not perfect.
In general, not to suppress and fight, but to get acquainted. And take care of yourself.