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If it seems to you that the partner has cooled off, do not rush to conclusions. A man does not want to make love for various reasons, and it is most likely not about you. Fear of losing control, high expectations, stress at work, medications are just a few of the many possible explanations. So why does desire go away?
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Sexologists and psychotherapists are increasingly hearing from men complaints about the lack of desire. “There are many very young people among them, who are not even thirty,” says family psychologist Inna Shifanova. “They don’t have physiological problems, but they also don’t have arousal: they don’t care about a particular partner or any partner at all.” Where does this decline in interest in sex come from, where do men come from who do not want sex?
Suppressed desire
“Feeling attracted to a woman, I foresee trouble in advance,” admits 43-year-old Mikhail. “My biggest fear is losing control of myself. This has happened before, and every time I made mistakes that cost me too much. The desire to avoid undesirable consequences, such as dependence on a partner, loss of independence, the risk of being a victim of emotional blackmail (“there will be no sex until I receive a gift”) – all this can force one to refuse intimate relationships. This does not mean that a man has no sexual desire.
“It disappears only under the influence of serious hormonal disorders,” emphasizes sexologist Yuri Prokopenko. “However, attraction can be suppressed.” Unlike animals, humans are able to control their instincts. Thus, we can choose to give up the pleasures of the flesh in the name of an idea.
“Those who were brought up in the spirit of rigid morality may perceive sexuality as something threatening, “wrong,” adds sexologist Irina Panyukova. “And then such a person will evaluate complete or partial abstinence as “good” behavior.”
Fear of failure
Gone are the days when only male pleasure mattered in sex. Today, a man knows that his duty is to take care of a woman. Who sometimes believe that, along with the right to pleasure, they have received the right to criticism, sometimes quite bilious. Such remarks can be deadly to male desire. “Sexual criticism is imprinted in the memory of a man indelibly, he will remember it all his life,” says sexologist Irina Panyukova.
Sometimes behind the loss of desire lies the fear of not pleasing your partner.
“Sometimes I hear women complain: “he didn’t give me an orgasm,” says Yuri Prokopenko, “as if his partner hides him and does not share. But it is important to correctly understand the equality of the sexes: it is impossible to lay all the responsibility for pleasure in a couple on only one of the partners. Each should learn to take care of himself, organizing and guiding the other if necessary.”
Dictate of women’s values
Hidden social pressures are also to blame for the decline in male desire, says psychoanalyst Helen Vecchiali.
“Society exalts femininity and “feminine” virtues: gentleness, consensus, the desire to discuss everything … she says. “Men are required to develop these qualities in themselves – as if everything is “right” in women, and everything is wrong in men!” Is it easy to remain a man when what constitutes masculinity is seen as rough, aggressive, cruel? How to express desire in words that are alien to the speaker? And after all, women do not benefit from such a devaluation of male values.
“They need to admire a man in order to love him,” continues the psychoanalyst. And they need to be desired. It turns out that women lose on both sides: they live with men who are no longer admired and who no longer desire them.
Observer error
Sometimes the conclusion that the desire is gone is made by one or both of the partners, not on the basis of facts, but on the basis of assumptions about how “it should be.” “For a year, my friend and I met once a week, and I heard only the most flattering compliments from her,” Pavel, 34, shares his story. “However, as soon as we started living together, I felt her growing discontent and could not understand the reasons until she frankly asked why we had so little sex. But it was no less than before! It turned out that she expected that when living together, every night would be as passionate as during the brief meetings. Unwittingly, I disappointed her and felt terrible.”
Sex drive is like hunger: you can’t satisfy it by watching others eat.
“The notion that a man wants sex all the time and is ready for it whenever, as much as he wants, and with anyone, turns out to be either a myth or a delusion based on the fact that the particular is taken as a general rule. By nature, men have different needs for sex, – continues Yuri Prokopenko. – During the period of falling in love, it increases, but then returns to the usual level. And attempts to artificially increase sexual activity are fraught with health problems, such as heart problems. It is also important to remember that sexual desire decreases with age, and not to demand from yourself or your partner the previous “records”.
“I’m afraid to change him”
Svetlana, 36 years old, married 10 years, three children:
“When I met my future husband, I quickly realized that he was not very interested in sex, but since I myself then got out of relationships in which men only needed sex, I liked it. We had three children in four years, and I was satisfied with the rhythm of our intimate life. Now my youngest daughter is four years old, and I would like my sex life to be richer. We never talked about it, and recently I suggested that my husband should consult a sexologist. To my surprise, he agreed. But since then the problem has only gotten worse: I think he felt that I was expecting something special from him, and now he has problems with erection. It begins to seem to me that he does not want me, because he considers me fat, ugly, and as a result, I myself feel like that! At the same time, he is a nice person, we have everything to be happy. I don’t want to leave him, I’m just afraid that in the end I can cheat on him … “
Is pornography to blame?
Expert opinions differ on how the availability of porn and erotic products affects male desire. Psychoanalyst Jacques Aren believes that “there is a certain satiety of sexuality that fills everything around. But desire is always fed by a lack of what we desire. At the same time, he emphasizes that for the younger generation, the lack of desire does not mean the absence of sexual relations: these relations simply exclude the emotional component, become “technical”.
And Yuri Prokopenko believes that pornography does not reduce desire: “Sexual desire is comparable to hunger: it cannot be quenched by watching others eat.” However, in his opinion, the habit of pornography can affect the degree of satisfaction: “Video lovers may lack visual stimulation, because during real sexual intercourse we do not so much look as we feel, feel, act.” You can make up for this lack with the help of mirrors, and some couples use video equipment to watch themselves from the side, feeling like a creative team of their own erotic film.
Check hormones
In case of loss of desire, men over 50 should consult with doctors, andrologist Ronald Virag advises. Attraction is related to testosterone levels. Its content in the blood is from 3 to 12 nanograms per milliliter. If it falls below this level, there is a marked decrease in desire. Other biological parameters also play a role, in particular the hormones of the pituitary and hypothalamus, as well as neurotransmitters (dopamines, endorphins, oxytocin). In addition, some medications suppress testosterone production. In such cases, hormones may be prescribed.
Yuri Prokopenko clarifies: “And yet, in order for the decrease in desire to be caused precisely by hormonal reasons, they must be very serious (for example, castration (including alcohol). If during puberty the level of male hormones was normal, then their natural fluctuations in the future practically do not affect libido. The reasons for the decrease in desire are primarily psychological.
The economic crisis as a sexual stimulus
Financial hardship increases men’s desire to have sex, social psychologist Omri Gillat found. True, we are talking about “short-term strategies”: this means that in the face of any threat, they involuntarily seek to find as many partners as possible in a short time. “Under survival conditions, men tend to seek sex outside of monogamous relationships in order to spread their genes more widely,” the study says. – When the environment is favorable and there is enough food, they are more likely to take care of the children they already have and stay with their partner or seek a long-term relationship. But if danger reappears and the chances of survival decrease, there is a shortage of food or there are more enemies, men will prefer short-term strategies to increase reproduction.
Overload pressure
“When a man turns to me about the lack of desire, it often turns out that he has difficulties … at work,” notes Inna Shifanova. “Losing confidence in professional competence, he begins to doubt his other abilities.” Sexual desire is just one facet of our libido and desire in general. His absence can be inscribed in the context of depression: a man no longer wants to have sex, but he no longer wants anything else.
Jacques Aren describes the “old tired man syndrome”: “He has a lot of work, children who tire him, problems associated with the “wear and tear” of married life, he is afraid of aging and a decline in vitality, and it is not so easy to give him new strength. to your desire.” Refuse criticism, support – that’s what a woman can do for him. However, it is necessary to discuss the partner’s difficulties with caution, protecting his self-esteem and remembering that “talking on problematic topics can cause concern and anxiety. These feelings lead away from bodily desires,” emphasizes Irina Panyukova. So do not start such a conversation before physical intimacy.
Step towards each other?
How to reconcile female and male desires? “Moving,” replies Helen Vecchiali, “accepting the fact that things have changed. We live in a period of changing roles, and it is too late to regret the patriarchal times. It’s time for women to stop demanding everything from men at the same time. And it will be useful for men to mobilize: women have changed, and today they know what they want. In this sense, men should take an example from them and assert their own desire.